I Wish I Were a Woman... (1576 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.23 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2004-11-01 13:01:11 EST
I Wish I were a Woman...
...not really. But it would make a lot of things better if I were.
For example: I could engage in a debate about abortion with out being told, 'You're a man, you don't have any say in the matter.' It would be easier for me to engage in hot lesbian sex with hot lesbians. And if I were a ninja, I could become the stealthiest motherfucking ninja in the world, because you NEVER see female ninjas.
Oh yeah, and I also wouldn't get my dick skin stuck in my zipper.
This past saturday I was in the greatest city in the world, Boston, Massachusetts, helping the greatest baseball team in the world, the Boston Red Sox, celebrate their spectacular World Series Victory at the parade.
Most of you computer nerds don't give a shit about baseball, so I won't bore you with too many of the details. Except one: 3.6 million people in a city of 600,000. About 75 per cent of the celebrators were male, and about half of that 75% were drinking.
Very few business establishments were keen on the letting-drunk-people-in-to-piss-on-our-floor idea, so there was nowhere to pee in the general area of the celebration. Which was pretty much the entire city.
For a while, I was on the Boston side of the Longfellow Bridge, waiting for the Duck Tour boats to go by and cheer on my Red Sox.
I was also drinking backpacked cans of Bud Light for a substantially longer while.
As they usually do, one thing led to another, and I had to pee. My choices were to try to find a legit place to pee (impossible) or pee in a cup. A red keg cup type cup.
The obvious solution presented itself, being that we were up against the bridge, I only had the sideways directions to cover up. Two of my boys got on either side of me, and I held the cup in front, preparing to pee.
Only one thing left...to unzip the zipper and let the ripper rip. However, due to my looking-over-the-shoulder prepensity, I did not pay enough attention to the task in hand.
My cockskin got caught in the zipper on the unzip. Between the teeth and the slider. I quickly throw the zipper into reverse and free the damaged area.
"FUCKING CUNT!," I scream. I inform my buddies what happened, and they laugh histerically, and ask to observe the damage.
Now I come complete with a train-track patterned penis.
I wish I were a woman. I've never heard of vagina flaps getting caught in a zipper. If so, that must suck too.
On a related side note...i was pretty close to getting some sweet costumed blow job action on saturday night, only to have the girl revolt in horror when she saw the 6 inline red marks on my dick. "What the fuck is that?!"
"Oh, I got my dick caught in my zipper this afternoon."
"Fuck that, you probably have herpes...I'm out of here."
Never having seen herpes...I'm pretty sure they don't look like the zipper-induced mark on a penis. What the hell does she know?
<sigh>
To satisfy the Something About Mary fans out there (which should be everyone), it was neither the frank nor the beans, it was more like the frank casing.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-03 02:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-02 02:24:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heres a fuckin +2 for havin my back there on that fucked up thread. You are my new hero.
+2 LIVE
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I only vaguely remember the reason I wrote this.
So foggy, so foggy.
Submitted by Rabies (user info) at 2004-11-04 16:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If your equipment has access to the zipper you probably have your thong on backwards.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-11-02 02:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well damn it man, how'd you get the beans above the franks!
You could just switch to sweatpants.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-02 02:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heres a fuckin +2 for havin my back there on that fucked up thread. You are my new hero.
+2 LIVE
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:23:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
Try having a period. Then see how much you like being a woman.
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it would be worth it to not get one's penis caught in a zipper and to have the chance to participate in a lesbian 6some daisy chain. that'd be freaking crazy awesome.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:03:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
Me, too. Only once in a while...so I can see how much of my arm I could get in my snatch.
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yeah, that'd be interesting to know.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:32:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I were a man, so I could insinuate myself into a heated women's issue, even when I coudn't possible fully understand it from a proper perspective, all the while never really having to worry about how it would affect me, personally."
I wish I were a woman, so I could insinuate myself into a heated man's issue, even when I couldn't possible fully understand why men don't have heated issues, excepting perhaps Yankees versus Red Sox, all the while never really having to worry about how it would affect me, except it does affect me, since they never talk about anything, so I and my girlfriends have to go on and on about why they don't communicate, or listen, or do anything else but fart and belch, and why they should have married that goddam TV since they spend more time with it than me, and blah blah blah...Amen.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've gotten drunk at 4 Yankee parades and passed out on the train ride home - only to miss my stop and end up riding the train back a few stops. One time I passed my stop on the return trip too, and had to go back again. The conductors were sympathetic, I don't think any of them made me pay for the error. Oh yeah I should -2 this but keep that in mind when you read my post tomorrow about the World Series.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I envy men's ability to pee outdoors without stripping from the waist down and removing their shoes. And you don't have to go camping and get naked to pee on some rock while wondering where the hell you're supposed to store used feminine products for four days.
Toss it in the campfire? I think not.
Being female does have its advantages, but public urination is not one of them.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish you were dead
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Try having a period. Then see how much you like being a woman.
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PWNED!!1!11
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the SOX! Goddamnit I wish I had driven up there. BTW Tim, I'm coming home, so after Thanksgiving, Worcester, Massachusetts will once again be able to lay claim to the awesomeness that is me.
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Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:17:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
oh dear
Of course you would end up standing in line forever to get into a bathroom stall and end up making what $.60 on the $1?
On the other hand, you can drink fruity girl drinks in public without people calling you ghey.
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I like Loki a LOT. That kicked ass.
And you know what, sweetie, Guinness comes in cans now too...it may not be as good as straight from the pull (*drool*), but please...have some respect for yourself.
And count your blessings that you CAN pee in public without police-coming-to-arrest-you-for-indecent-exposure and/or a Girls Gone Wild crew showing up. I used to be so jealous of the guys when we'd be on tournament and they'd be able to pee at will while I had to find a potty. Suckitude.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can have my cramps!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Me, too. Only once in a while...so I can see how much of my arm I could get in my snatch.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-01 14:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You crazy Americans!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
bob: "Reading the word Budweiser makes my head pound and my ass convulse as bratwurst sprays from it."
clearly you're not an american. all true americans love the 'bud mud' that pours out ones ass following a night of budweiser drinking.
what a country.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cans of Yuengling Premium are my camping beer. Premium, not that frat-boy Lager stuff. The cans are more portable and can be crushed, so I can see your point there.
But Bud Light? Reading the word Budweiser makes my head pound and my ass convulse as bratwurst sprays from it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks for carrying a grudge over from a separate post loren. glad you tried to see my point, as i tried to see yours. continue headstrong in your one sided feminazi argument without even pausing to consider anyone else's point.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Aww, poor thing. But seriously, girls wouldn't even be able to pee in public (without some significant hide and seek) so count your mixed blessings.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I were a man, so I could insinuate myself into a heated women's issue, even when I coudn't possible fully understand it from a proper perspective, all the while never really having to worry about how it would affect me, personally.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:23:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
You have a penis and drink Bud Light?
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+2 for that
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
congo - i don't see the pun
bob - i do enjoy bud light...i also enjoy harpoon IPA and guiness and other dark beers. bud light comes in cans, which is convenient for drinking in public and pouring into keg cups in the midst of 5 million people.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You have a penis and drink Bud Light?
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
>>Now I come complete with a train-track patterned penis.
No pun intended, eh?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oh dear
Of course you would end up standing in line forever to get into a bathroom stall and end up making what $.60 on the $1?
On the other hand, you can drink fruity girl drinks in public without people calling you ghey.
Submitted by the_mysterious_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh...don't know HOW they do it, but I hear some women can pee standing up.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus!!! I'm cringing right now. I feel for you, friend.
But it's really a Catch-22. Had you been a woman, you would never even have had the option of whipping it out and pissing over the bridge.