My animals are revolting (867 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Julia (View user info) at 2004-11-01 16:30:36 EST
I couldn't find one of my shoes. I don't like wearing shoes and kick them off as soon as I am indoors, but wherever I leave them, they're always together. Find one shoe, and there's the other. I may not be neat, but my messes aren't complicated.
Friday, I had an appointment. One shoe. Running late. I'm not sure which angers me more: being late when it's not my fault or when my lack of preparation causes it. I hate being late. Fury was on the horizon. Bad words were said.
I finally found my shoe in the laundry hamper, under a towel. Ah, yes. I had thrown it at the airhead dog, who refused to stop barking at the mailman, even if it meant awakening the sleeping baby in my arms. I missed her and the shoe bounced into the hamper, where some helpful person put a wet towel on top.
I swear to God the dog smirked at me. Karma. Dogma. Whatever. I was ten minutes late.
We also have a cat. A cat with diarrhea. She prefers the dog's food to her own, which works out well because the dog likes hers better anyway, even though eating dog kibble means leaving large, wet, drippy, grainy, stinky puddles of fetid fecal grossness in helpful places like on the children's library books. I have two kids in diapers and an incontinent cat, proof that when you think you have enough shit in your life, God has other plans.
I'd like to make two large signs, "Free to Good Home--She Means Well" and "Free Cat for Ritual Sacrifice, Animal Testing or Chinese Food--No Questions Asked," and leave them outside with the dog and cat, respectively.
The tarantula shouldn't be any problem, right? She just squats in her aquarium and does spider things. (Note: I hate spiders, but tarantulas are so grotesque they are attractive. They are the pet equivalent of picking a scab.) Wrong. At some point, she decided mealworms weren't her thing and buried them. They've hatched, or whatever mealworms do to become black beetles.
If anyone knows a person who deserves to get a package with a big, hairy spider and her beetle cronies inside, please let me know.
User Reviews
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-12-25 13:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, me! Me! All Santa brought me was a giant hamster wheel from another dimension,
and a half-interest in a bag of cookie dough. Plus, once I have the spider I can
get more blow jobs!
But seriously Julia--it almost seems as though you don't post the next installment
of The Promise until I have rated your most recent post. So, this is kind of an experiment.
You do realize the terrible irony of not finishing a story entitled The Promise, right?
I mean, you could have called it The Promise To Finish The Story, and that would be
even worse. But still. And here is a PERFECTLY NOTMAL "Merry Christmas!" to make up
for my bizzaro birthday review.
Hope to see you back on Uber soon. WITH THE REST OF THE STORY!!!
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-11-15 23:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 23:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Based on the title i thought this would be about your pets leading a communist revolt. This was good too...
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-15 23:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ah spider wtf why would you post that
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-15 23:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate tarantulas. My boyfriend's younger brother has one, and I was all fascinated by it and staring at it. So the brother goes, "here, i'll make it move" (yes, he speaks in all lower case) and poked it. It turns out, they release an airborne chemical when annoyed. It also turns out that I'm violently allergic to that chemical. I could hardly breathe for hours afterwards.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-15 23:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even tougher when you have 17 animals.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-11-02 19:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MY ANIMALS REVOLT IN MY PANTS
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-02 11:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Spiders are FUCKING EVIL. I absolutely HATE THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM ALL!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-11-01 20:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tim, it's not a spider. It's a hamster with extra legs.
Toothy, my muse took all her shit and left me. She's threatening me with a restraining order if I don't leave her alone. I slashed her tires, though, so she can't get far.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-01 19:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does it always take twice as long to do simple things when your running late?
I hate being late but what I hate worse is waiting on someone else to get there. I like to show up right as the party is starting.
(i'm a bitch)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-01 19:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it would have been a +2, but spiders freak me out wicked bad, and the picture gave me goosebumps. i hate them.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-01 19:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I detest pets... Life is so much easier when your solve your companionship issues with lesbian porn and a roll of paper towels.
I am with Badlands, stop dicking around with your dog and give me more Promises.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-01 18:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Can I crawl around in your panties?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-11-01 18:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is it true, then? Do Americans really mean waterless dustbowls when they say aquariums? It's just plain wrong!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I was going to go into all of these pet anecdotes, but it wound up taking so long I think I'm just gonna post. Keep an eye out. Heh.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50279
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-11-01 17:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"They are the pet equivalent of picking a scab."
Very Nice.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute.
However, from this point forward, I forbid you from posting anything other than "The Promise" series until it's completed.
Thank you.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
show us your puppies.
Submitted by Mercutio (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Indeed.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can completely relate
1-9 month old baby
1-dog
3-cats
my life is all about the feces
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-11-01 16:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a
bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It saved out marriage!
Treehouse of Horror VII