Stabbing a redneck with an alligator's jaw. (818 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.25 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thrice Palermo (View user info) at 2004-11-02 00:18:57 EST
So my shoes were really killing me. I was canvasing for Kerry votes among the tourists on Sunset when I saw them. They looked like Idaho, or maybe Utah. Kackis and loose tees on the women, cargo shorts and tanks on the men. One of the women was kinda cute in a Sissy Spacek sort of way and she was holding a plastic bag from that place on Melrose calloed Necromance that sells macabre stuff like preserved fetuses and old bones and strange dried bugs. Nancy, or NecroNancy as she is known to her friends, is the owner of Necromance and is a really nice tatood woman who in my mind sorta smells like a small preserved animal because of all the weird taxidermy stuff she handles.
Anyway, this girl with the bag from Necromance, she couldnt have been more than 95 lbs and this big galoot who is walking behind her, I think maybe its her brother, sort of trips her and pushes her at the same time so she falls down on top of her bag. I can see that he didnt really mean to cause all of this rukus but, he did it, so I suppose he will have to pay in some way.
Im watching all of this from where I have stopped to get the wrinkles out of the cheap socks that my granny Gladys game me for christmas. They keep sagging down into my shoes and ballin up under my heel which really bugs me on a hot day like this one is. When I get everything situated in my sockage area I walk up to the group of tourists and I can see that the girl is really upset about what happened to her bag when she fell on it and she is sort of crying around the edges if you know what I mean. The big galoot is sort of acting ashamed about the whole deal and I can see that he is sorry about what he did but I keep coming anyway. Like my dad would have said if he had stuck around long enough to know I existed "if something is worth starting, its worth finishing goddammit" so I walk right up to the girl and look into the bag and I see a small dried alligators head that she had bought from Nancy now has the lower jaw broken away.
People usually buy these things as a sort of wierd place to keep business cards on a desk or maybe as a gift for a 10 year old boy from Utah where they dont have big ass lizards to kill and dismember. Whatever the case, the Sissy Spacek looking girl is upset and my feet hurt and I am feeling like an avenger today.
Now I am not a big guy... but I am mean. Ive been poor, small, and ugly, my whole life and early on I learned that I really have an advantage in a fight because I got nothing to loose. You take your average redneck asshole and look close and you find a guy with a job and a mortgage and a girlfriend. He probably showers every day like some millionaire and probably cares what people seee when they look at him. I dont have any of those sort of handicaps and that gives me an edge.
So I reach down into the bag, the whole time looking into Sissy Spaceks eyes so I can keep focused on what I have to do, and as I take the jaw bone from the bag the girl doesnt say or do anything. Shes kind of frozen like. Everyone is sort of frozen, just looking at me like I'm some sort of big bug that they would love to step on but they dont have the nerve or their shoes are too new to muck up. Anyway, Considering what I know she sees when she looks at me, I dont blame her for being scared out of her skin.
Anyway, like I said, I take the jawbone out of the bag and then I walk over to the big redfaced galoot and I say with almost no stutter "what do you say?" and he just looks at me and then at all of the other paople who are sort of clumped around and he doesnt say shit. So I say again, but lounder this time, "WHAT DO YOU SAY?". I can still remember the guys jaw working as he is trying to figure out what this freaky dude with the stringy hair and the shiny suit that doesnt fit right wants him to say. His eyes sort of roll like a scared cow and finally he says in a shaky froggy sort of voice "what do you want me to say" and so I say "YOU SAY HOW ARE YOU SIR" and so he does...he says "How are you sir" just like that and I stab him in the neck with the jaw. Then I say "my fucking feet hurt" and I drop the jaw. As usual, no one moves. Its like these tourists think I am part of some goddamn show and that Hoss and Little Joe are going to step out of the Korean guys pizza shack up the street and gun me down. Its like they are waiting for the men in blue to come on down and arrest the maniac like they give a shit. So I give them all a nice big rotten toothed smile and I step through the little smokeshop where Mr. Roberson from Lousiana has been selling cancer for 58 years and then out into the back alley. I take my jacket off and pull a truckers cap from my pants and walk into the crowd where the alley hits Cahuenga. I suppose I should go down to Beverly and try to get some votes from the Jews and Armenians. Maybe Ill stop in at NecroNancy's and say hey.
User Reviews
Submitted by thricepalermo (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I do type fast.
Submitted by action_man (user info) at 2004-11-03 02:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Or maybe you type really fast?
Submitted by action_man (user info) at 2004-11-03 02:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You went through a great deal of effort but took it back. I am amazed.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-02 03:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title alone.
Submitted by thricepalermo (user info) at 2004-11-02 01:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey prefessor.
You made me laugh outloud.
I think I should have had him working on Bush votes instead of Kerry.
Maybe then I would have at least gotten a 0
Later
TP
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-02 01:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're that fuckhead with the fatass fetish.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-11-02 00:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
way to go, sleuth.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-11-02 00:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You didn't even get him to say sorry? Also, you didn't get him to vote fo Kerry? What the fuck? No wonder we are losing the south, way to go asshole. Oh yeah...
I smell something...
BULLSHIT!!