I'm Too Dumb To Form My Own Opinions So A Sign Told Me Who To Vote For (1168 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-02 09:45:29 EST
I have no idea who to vote for, somebody please help me.
Somebody tell me what I should think.
Usually, I turn to the media for these sorts of issues. They told me that homosexual people are bad, black people are bad, and anyone that is not like me (a white male) is bad.
Using their logic, I have narrowed my choices down to John Kerry and a young up-and-comer named George W. Bush. Now, W's daddy was President, which means that his son is automatically going to be good at the job, right? That is what used to happen back in the good old days of monarchy and oppression. Maybe I should vote for King George II.
No, there can only be one king in my heart, and that's Elvis Presley.
Why isn't Elvis running? I'm sure he'd win.
To better help me decide who to vote for, I decided to stroll around outside and find what I could find. Before I went out, I prayed to God, asking him to give me some sort of a sign as to whom I should vote for.
Ever so faintly, I heard a voice behind me whisper,
"Bush...Buuuuuuush."
However, it was just a random bum on the street. Even so, I like to go with the crowd. I told him,
"I wasn't voting for Bush before you whispered his name in my ear. I don't know his stances on the issues or even what he looks like. But if a name in ominously whispered like that, the guy HAS to be good."
My roommate and I exchanged high 5s for a few minutes and I departed to find out who I should actually vote for.
Being such a nice day in Ohio, I decided to lie down upon the grass and look up into the sky for an answer.
"The clouds," I said aloud "surely they will give me an answer. Never before have they led me astray. They've shown me so many dogs and cats and blobs that I just know the clouds will be able to show me who to vote for, in cloud form."
I stared up at the clouds for what could've been centuries.
The clouds showed me many things: penises and vaginas mostly. But I also saw about 15 donkeys in the sky. What is that supposed to mean? Are the clouds trying to tell me that I'm an ass?
Screw you, clouds!
Well, if the clouds couldn't help me, I'd have to turn to my last resort: people. I don't like people. They scare me a lot. And since last weekend was Halloween, I was super-scared. I told my imaginary friend about it, but then my imaginary friend turned into Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas which also scared me. I haven't invited my imaginary friend back yet.
Walking around my school, I looked for any sign at all as to who to vote for.
"Vote for me! Vote for me, for no apparent reason!" the signs said.
"No," I answered them. "Just because your sign is pretty doesn't mean I'll vote for you, Michael Turgenson."
I decided to merely look down at my feet as I walked.
Now I knew why only half of the voting-age population actually voted. It was hard.
I continued to walk until I found myself in a part of town that I had never been to before. And it was wonderful. Big, brick buildings were all around me, each perfectly groomed in only the way that a brick building can look in the fall. Trees were lining the avenue I was walking down, and bright, smiling faces greeted me from every angle. Squirrels and chipmunks were frolicking together in a dance that still didn't tell me how to vote.
I kept walking down the avenue.
Then, at my feet, I saw the answer to all my prayers. In bright blue (my favorite color) chalk, the words "Vote for Kerry" were painted onto the ground.
I looked up in the sky. The sky was blue. I looked down at the chalked street. The chalk was the same color. Therefore, the sky wanted me to vote for Kerry.
"Thanks, sky!" I yelled as I ran to the polling station that I had been to so many times before with my mother when I was younger. I still knew exactly where it was.
I ran into the polls, looked the old ladies straight in the eye, and immediately received a glint of recognition.
"Hello there, Chris. How are you today," they asked in slow tones that only old ladies could emulate.
"I wanna vote!" I said. "I wanna vote for Kerry. The sky told me to. Gimme gimme!"
I reached for the ballots, but they were too far away for me to reach.
"Would you like a sticker, Chris?"
What? A sticker? I somehow doubted there would be a dinosaur on it, so I screamed,
"NO! Now listen to me carefully, old lady face. I came here to vote and that's exactly what I'm going to do."
"Fine," the old woman gave in. "Let's see if you're registered here."
She flipped through the pages that must've determined who was cool enough to vote. But I wasn't sweating it. I knew I was ultra-hip.
"Sorry Chris, you're name isn't in here."
"Why's that?"
"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you're 7 years old. Now do you know your mommy's cell phone number or am I going to have to look it up?"
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-05 11:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Copy and paste a billion other statements just like it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-02 18:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Post
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Voter turnout gets any lower, he'll be voting next time around.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since this was actually pertinent to my post, I guess I can't complain about the link whoring.
Well done, lad.
Submitted by genocidic001 (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me going there. +2 all the way.
Submitted by Zavebe (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I voted kerry. Because I figured I needed to balance out my mothers vote. O.o
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xtremecowboy (user info) at 2004-11-02 11:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent post
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Vote? What are we talking about?
Voting for what?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Big hairy cloud-donkey dick.
Submitted by X-File (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best election-related piece yet!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plusstoo
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I approved this message."
After today, I never want to hear those words again.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you described about 65% of the people who are screaming and yelling about the election on this site.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-02 10:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The clouds showed me many things: penises and vaginas mostly. But I also saw about 15 donkeys in the sky. What is that supposed to mean? Are the clouds trying to tell me that I'm an ass?
Screw you, clouds!"
You're so creative. This entire piece cracked me up.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only reason I voted is because the voting booths had free apple juice.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best reason yet to vote. i personally saw a likeness of kerry in a bag of chips.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It deserves nothing less
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha... that's pretty much how it felt, actually...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-02 09:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Solid plus one until the 'somehow I doubted it would have dinosaurs on it' line.