Letter from My Future Self (2297 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.39 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2004-11-02 12:56:35 EST
I walked into the foyer of my dorm today, past the service counter where a pretty RA sat chatting on her cell phone, past my mailbox which was always empty...but wait! Today, I actually have a letter!
I've only been a freshman here at State for two months now, who could possibly mail something to me? I opened the box with my key, and extracted the letter. It was silvery-white in color, and it felt like it was made from some kind of plastic or paper, I couldn't tell which. And the stamp! It was the correct postage, but looked ancient! I noted that the postmark was 3 days old, and that there was no return address.
"What the hell," I thought to myself. I opened the letter, and unfolded several thin sheets and began to read.
April 6th, 2042
"Jonny,
Look, I'll get right to the point. Yes, this is a letter from the future. And yes, this letter is from me. I mean, you. The 'you' that is 38 years in the future, that is. Don't ask how this got to you, I'm not allowed to explain it to you and I'm just lucky that they let me send this little note to you.
Before you start seeing dollar signs, I'm not going to tell you anything of the future. No Super Bowl winners. Nothing. We can't take a chance on changing things. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
Trust me, you will come to understand later.
Now, how do you know this is me? Let me tell you..."
At this point, the letter began to list the story of my life, including several details that no one ever could possibly have known about me. Except for myself. It hit me like a ton of bricks - this letter really was from the future!
"So, why am I writing to you? Women, of course. I've finally figured them out, and I thought to myself, why put myself through years of suffering, when I can pass on my knowledge to you? So listen up.
You already understand the inherent dichotomy of the single female psyche. They say they want a nice guy, but they always go out with these total losers. Then, what's worse, they complain to you about what a jerk LoserBoy is, and wish that they could find a 'good man'. Well, I've figured out the secret. What those chicks want is really a good guy, but they don't want the ones that are already good (at least, not yet. When they get past 30, their tune will change. But I know you can't wait that long.) Nice guys are too easy. What chicks want is a bad guy, who they can turn into a good guy through the power of THEIR LOVE. You see, if she can get him to change, that must mean that he really loves her. If you don't believe me, check out some of those romance novels. They always feature some guy who is really a swine, but Miss Paula Perfect changes him into a devoted father and husband. Word up, es verdad, hermano! Most of those 'bad guys' who are jerks, they shape up for a bit so that they can get some, but after a while, she gets boring/whiny, so he slacks off and goes back to his evil ways. This, of course, irritates the female to no end. Now,you would think that she would say, "Later, dude!" But no! She continues to hang in there, hoping that she can change him again. But of course by this time, it's too late, 'cause he's got her wrapped. So, what to do?
First, it's too hard to learn how to be a jerk.
There's just no way you can play that game, so don't bother trying. Instead, increase your marketability. Think of it as going for a job interview. Don't come across as being too much of a nice guy, 'cause chicks will think you're a doormat, or worse, you will hear the dreaded "You know, I just think of you as a friend..." AAAAIGH! That's the kiss of death, my man! Instead, maintain that cool exterior, like James Dean. You ever hear any body say "James Dean is such a nice boy..." Hell no, chicks dig that aloof shit. And, he wasn't really a 'bad guy', he just had that _appearance_ , you dig what I'm saying? Now, I'm not saying to be an asshole poser-boy, what I'm saying is do your own thing, with confidence, and it will go down as Allah wills it. Don't show desperation. Females have a genetic sensing ability for desperation, and they will automatically despise you for it.
Another thing, find a female friend and enlist her aid. And I mean, this person is to be a friend and NOTHING MORE. Like a fishing lure. It also helps if she's better than average looking. This will take time to develop, and you have to develop trust with this girl, but it will pay off, believe me. Most chicks love to do the match-maker thing, if you play your cards right, she can help a great deal with the preliminary set-up stuff and find out all the detail that you would never get in a million years. Then what you do is go to the mall with your female friend. Now this may be painful for some men (shopping, that is), but concentrate on the goal! The mall is where all the females are, right? One thing that I have noticed in my years is that when you walk around the mall by yourself, babes won't give you a second glance. But if you walk around with some babe on your arm (remember, THEY don't know she's just a friend), you will get more second glances than you will know what to do with. Do you know why that is? I will tell you. Because when you walk around with some other chick, babes look at the two of you and say to themselves "Hmm, what she got that I ain't got?" I have independent confirmation of this fact from many of my female friends. And that's all the lead-in you need, baby. You see, the fact that you are walking around with another female means: A) you must be safe and B) some chick finds you attractive to been seen with, so you must got something going on. You got your female friend with you, running interference, so by they time baby realizes that your friend is just a friend, you got your foot in the door.
This leads me to another thing: the 30-Second Rule. The 30-Second Rule is this: When you meet some hot babe for the first time and she meets you, the female will automatically decide within the first 30 seconds whether she could ever sleep with you or not. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how. Just trust me, they all do it. Now, if they decide that you could be acceptable, that's just the first hurdle, you've still got a long race to run. However, if they decide no...no amount of attention, clothes, jewelry, ski trips, etc, will EVER make them decide to fuck you. I believe that this behavior comes from some hard-wired genetic impulse that females have to help them find appropriate mates. Back in caveman days, there weren't a lot of malt shoppes to go to dates on, so females had to be able to quickly size up prospective males for their ability to provide for their children (which, by the way, is the overall, comsuming urge of all females). So, the sooner you realize you don't pass the test, the better off you'll be. Then you can move on to better prospects. Well, I've rambled on enough for a while. I hope you'll put this to good use. And forget about taking that Art class, take the Advanced Trig instead.
Peace,
Jonny"
I stared at the letter blankly, hoping for more wisdom, but there was no more.
I looked over at the girl behind the counter, and smiling inwardly, strode towards her, and the future...
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure the real letter said:
"Hey Jonny,
Stop being such a fucking retard.
love,
Jonny."
"ps. eat lots of bran."
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, Jonny.. Do I smell just a touch of naivety? Of hope, perchance? Where did it go?
When did you lose your desire to create?
_________________________________________________________________
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam, thanks for the -1 to start me off here at Uber! I didn't want to make it any longer, I know people freak when that happens.
I'll listen to any serious advice about Uber - I'm working on a serial story, to be posted soon...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Old idea, nicely executed.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-12 12:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-12 12:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:07:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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hmmm....
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-04-15 14:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing for a first post.
And it's true.. if I meet a guy, that night I'll tell my friends if I'd do him or not.
"Oh, yeah.. I'm gonna fuck him"
It usually happens. Or, it's happened the few times I've found someone like that.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-04-14 16:54:45 (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is this post getting the shit -2'd out of it? Its not half bad.
___
because I had a bunch of alters spam-2 all my posts...
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-04-15 07:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job... It IS true, I thought guys figured that out already... That's why I laugh when my husband says:"I'm married, they see the ring. No one will try to pick me up." WRONG! Girls want what they can't get. Bitches...
oh wait, I'm a girl...
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-04-14 16:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is this post getting the shit -2'd out of it? Its not half bad.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-04-14 15:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, this really is the answer.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whats with all the -2's??
This was very good
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
MUGUHATUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-04-04 21:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Word up, es verdad, hermano!"
Liked that line, the rest is kinda meh. I wish I could send letters to the former me.
I'll echo Darko, and tell you to check this out (feels like I do this a lot): http://www.intellectualwhores.com
Submitted by Gollman (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I said latest post, but I DID already -2 that one, so to be fair, I will give you a +2 here.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-14 19:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and this was not based on a different story - never heard of the ladder theory.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-01-04 13:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-20 14:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than my first post.
My 30-second rule theory is something similar, but I think instead of "sleep with" it's "marry". Egads...
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2004-12-09 16:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
articulate and melodic... two promising signs. Keep em coming.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-18 11:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was pretty enlightning.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-03 01:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
welcome. But this wasn't really anything too enlightening. Some of it seemed taken form the ladder theory too.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-03 01:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:14:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
first post?
awesome.
awesome first post.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-02 18:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Only problem is that the letter was about something that has been beaten into the ground.
Good execution though.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
needs more cowbell.
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more killing
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-02 16:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam, thanks for the -1 to start me off here at Uber! I didn't want to make it any longer, I know people freak when that happens.
I'll listen to any serious advice about Uber - I'm working on a serial story, to be posted soon...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good first post.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice but lacking the killer edge.
Submitted by Darshiscool <Darshman5000.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-11-02 13:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yayse, eet vos very goot for first time post.
I give yoo plus two, you deet goot.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, nice job for your first time.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good work
keep it up, dudey
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
first post?
awesome.
awesome first post.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed this as well
Submitted by Zavebe (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a female, i find that to be perfectly true. lmao. Oh, I'm in love with this *hugs it and pets it*. Why can't more men play this game WITH us? even if you're playing us, at least we're happy. come on.. Happy rocks. Happy games.. Happy sex. Lets get on with it. lol
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was good.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Not bad for a first post, but it just really lacks "something"