Ubercon Brum - Dervel Tells It Like It Is. (1133 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.69 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dervel (View user info) at 2004-11-03 10:01:18 EST
Get into Birmingham city center with Caine and Fat Paul, find a Weatherspoons pub and order beer and a blue-cheese burger with chips.
Get served a bacon burger and chips. Call waitress a cunt.
More beer.
Change pubs to some pretentious effort with busts of Romans or something around the walls. They don't serve Guinness, call barman a cunt.
Drink couple of pints of some local brew.
Go to the Walkabout pub on Broad Street. Drink beer. Call Stin to find out where Apollo is as the footie is due to start. Apollo isn't coming. Call Apollo a cunt.
More beer.
Call Mikethescottish as he's in Brum by himself. Mike agrees to come down to watch the footie but doesn't show up. Call Mike a cunt.
Go to the Sports Bar next door, drink beer and watch footie. Liverpool fail to beat Blackburn so Norwich slide down to bottom of the league. Call everyone a cunt.
Go to meet Fat Paul's mates at All Bar One. Turns out to be a horrible wine bar, ridicule Paul's taste and call him a cunt.
Order 3 pints of some 6.6% Bulgarian lager, get told by the barmaid that she can only sell if by the half pint. Call her a cunt and order 3 pints of Spartaprague or whatever.
Sat at table. Pauls mates Cosmo and Andy are talking at me. Pretend to read menu in hope that they will stop. Doesn't work so decide to call them both cunts.
Order Chinese chicken with noodles. When it turns up its straight out of the fridge cold. Call waiter a cunt. Get advised that it's supposed to be cold and that one should pay attention to the menu whilst ordering. Call waiter a cunt again.
More beer.
Get phone call from Stin advising that they're on the way to the pub. They sound weird, call them cunts and hang up.
Text weirdo's to tell them we're moving on.
Get another phone call from the odd squad, think that they're being very demanding so decide to call them cunts.
The weirdos don't know where they are so I have to go find them. Call them cunts.
Find them say hello and walk off. Notice that they're following me. Walk faster. They start talking to my mates so I have to stop. Call them all cunts.
Paul tells me off for being rude and not introducing everyone. Call him a cunt.
Get to some pub with a DJ playing rock music. Drink beer, call everyone cunts continuously for a couple of hours.
Try to get Mr-Rock-DJ-Man to play something by Busted. He refuses so I call him a cunt.
More beer.
Pub shuts. Call landlord a cunt. Walk off to some club.
Clubs is miles away. Call everyone a cunt. Get too club, there is a huge queue and nobody can be arsed to wait. Doorman won't let us all jump they queue. Call him a cunt.
We decide to go to Fat Paul's house. Jump in taxi. Call taxi driver a cunt.
Circe rings Stin, get annoyed with irritating woman babble. Grab phone and call Circe a cunt and hang up on her.
Get to Paul's flat. Have a piss. Andy has a paddy as he needs a piss too. Call him a cunt and make him piss in the bath. Paul has a go at Andy for pissing in the bath. Chuckle and call them both cunts.
Drink beer. Notice that everyone else is drinking my fucking beer too. Call them all cunts.
MrWolf plays Paul's guitar to a reasonable level. Get jealous and call him a cunt.
More beer.
Sit in armchair ignoring everyone in the hope that they'll all go away. Get sat on by Stin. Call her a cunt. MrWolf and Mike also decide to sit on me too. Call them cunts.
Decide to regale everyone with my spot-on Sean Connery impression for the rest of the evening. Get accused of being drunk and slurring my words. Call them all cunts.
Everyone goes to there hotels. Think they're a bunch of girls for wossing out so call them all cunts.
Fat Paul and Caine have passed out. Swap Caines pillow for a pizza. Chuckle to myself and call him a cunt.
Caine shouts at me and calls me a cunt. Tell him that he's being terribly rude and that he's hurt my feelings.
Cry myself to sleep.
Cunts.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-31 04:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cunting amusing. A part 2 perhaps?
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-23 23:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-04 11:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Darn right it wasn't me Mikes Moustache!
If it was me I would have said "Cunt" somewhere.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-04 11:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dervel! Ha imposter! Dervel would never mock another mans moustache. It was definitely Soley, either that or I'mn just being pedantic to wind her up, but thats unlikely
Submitted by Mikes Moustache <Yargh> at 2004-11-04 10:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It certainly wasn't Dervel.
<Ahem>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I feel the love.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mrwolf, i can hardly remember what any of you lot look like let alone who had facial hair(me for one)and where. I'm going to point the finger at Stin.... only because i didn't get to touch her secret place.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:26:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, but who signed their Random Joe as 'Mike's Moustache'? Cunt.
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And furthermore hitwhored with my work??? And furthermore again made it look like I'd signed in as Mikes moustache!
I think your moustache is beautiful. My money is that Soley did it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, but who signed their Random Joe as 'Mike's Moustache'? Cunt.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-04 08:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stin, I think the picture of Douglas the Butterman is causing you some confusion.
I was the scary looking guy with arms like tree trunks and the take-no-shit attitude.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-11-04 08:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a cuntfest.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-04 08:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry dude, but you are!
Hard man indeed. Yeah, right.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-04 07:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stin, you're killing my tough guy image. Cuddly indeed.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-04 06:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cunt.
Cuddly cunt!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-04 06:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The real deal?
Are you implying this version is a heavily embellished placebo of a post?
Outrage!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-04 05:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am getting there....
Wait for it: Ubercon Brum, The Real Deal!
Submitted by BlinkSparky (user info) at 2004-11-04 05:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
more cunt then a nunnery
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sat at table. Pauls mates Cosmo and Andy are talking at me. Pretend to read menu in hope that they will stop. Doesn't work so decide to call them both cunts. "
Brilliant
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahha... Cunt.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-03 12:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaaa
Submitted by Mikes Moustache <Yargh> at 2004-11-03 11:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This version of events is much better:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50251
Button your lip you foul mouthed monkey. There be women and children present.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So you did. I'll add that bit now:
Get offered a hotel bed for the night by the weirdo's. Look at them in pure disgust, decline the invitation and call them all cunts.
I think that plugs all the gaps.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We did offer you a bed at the hotel, but you didn't take up the offer.
Cunt.
You have the nicest lap for sitting on though :o)
Submitted by JohnnyACDC (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Guinness makes my stomach hurt....cunt
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try to get Mr-Rock-DJ-Man to play something by Busted. He refuses so I call him a cunt. -1
Caine shouts at me and calls me a cunt. Tell him that he's being terribly rude and that he's hurt my feelings. You get that 1 back.
Awesome.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
100% brilliance.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-03 10:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
This is my new favorite post.
Cunt.