I Think My School Janitor Is Stalking Me (1020 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SG The Platypus Master (View user info) at 2004-11-04 16:57:52 EST
It all started the day before yesterday. I went to the school bathroom to take a piss; I needed to really badly. I let out a sigh as I relieved myself.
Me: "Aahhhhhhhhhh."
My Brain: "Hey, watch where you're aiming that thing. You're gonna get it all over your pants."
As I shifted my head back down, I caught something in the corner of my eye. Quickly, I turned to my left.
There he was. His glass eyeball that would spin out of place, and his eyepatch over his other eye, making him look like a pirate with a slight touch of down-syndrome. His half shaven beard, making him look like a retarded wizard/hobo on crack. His colorful smile (he lost all his teeth, so he put crayons in to replace them). It looked pretty normal to me.
My Brain: "DUDE! HE'S FUCKING LOOKING AT YOU TAKING A PISS!"
Me: "................."
Me: ".........SHIT!"
I looked down and zipped up, but when I turned around, he was gone.
Me: "W-was I just...imagining that...?"
My Brain: "Uh, I would hope not. If you're imagining things like that, I'm done with you."
Me: "No! I uh...wasn't........I think I'll lay off the weed for a while."
My Brain: "Oh really?!?! Why, I wonder why you didn't think of that earlier??? I mean, you're only killing the last intelligent thing remaining in your useless body."
I washed my hands and left. The entire day, I was thinking about that. I was afraid. Very afraid. I'm telling you, I haven't been that afraid since that time I accidentally found the Bat Cave and Batman said he would kill me but then Alfred cut off his dick, and made a sanwich out of it for me, but I said I wasn't hungry, so I left and he ate it.
It was when I was going to my bus when I saw him again (the janitor, not Alfred). This time I KNOW he was looking at me.
Me: "I must face him."
My Brain: "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HE'S GONNA FUCKING RAPE YOU!"
Me: "Transformers, more than meets the eye!"
My Brain: "............" (shuts off)
I walked up to the janitor; he didn't flinch one bit. Standing face to face with him, I breathed heavily.
Me: "What do you want?"
Janitor: "...Your soul."
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After sporadically pissing my pants, I jumped over the fence by our school, and ran into the nearby woods. Sure, it sounded crazy that he wanted my soul, but, come on. This was the guy that had a ham sanwich fetish (he would put ham sanwiches in his pants and do a dance). So I hid in the woods, never to return...until the next day.
But that was the longest day of my life.
You don't know what it's like, being stalked. Constantly looking behind you, especially when you think this guy is going to molest you. But I managed. For a day, I became a vagrant. I was one with nature. I traveled through this forest and found wood nymphs, elves, and Mr. Bean. But sadly, I knew I couldn't stay. I knew I had to return to my home. Titty Cat was waiting for me.
So I walked home, constantly checking behind me. After about a 5 hours of walking for two feet, resting, walking for another two feet, eating some Cheez-Itz, and then walking another two feet, I reached home. Immediately, I went to bed, and my thoughts of the day were lost.
It was around 3:00 AM when I was awoken. Awoken by a sound, and evil sound. Standing in front of my bed, I saw a dark figure...and a shiny glass eyeball.
Me: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
The Janitor turned the light on.
Me: "W-why...Why are you doing this to me?"
Janitor: "............"
Before my eyes, he pulled off his face, a mask. And there he was.
Alfred.
Alfred: "Dick sandwich?"
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
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THE END
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-05 11:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick sandwich?
hahaha
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-11-04 22:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So funny. I like the part where you die. Hilarious. I like goats.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-11-04 20:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me laugh like a girl.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-04 20:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why I haven't read your stuff before.
Probably because I was banging your mom. The slut. Tell her I still love her and her and she can pick up her panites anytime.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-11-04 18:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Krog and Rabies. 3501 and 3502. Registered about 10 minutes from each other. Both gave me -1's. NOTE: -1's, NOT -2's, as most people would rate. Both act like they've been here for a while.
Coincidence? I think not.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coming soon - SG's brain posts about the passion of the Platypus.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: "I must face him."
My Brain: "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HE'S GONNA FUCKING RAPE YOU!"
Me: "Transformers, more than meets the eye!"
My Brain: "............" (shuts off)
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+2 purely for that.
Submitted by Rabies (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Is it just me - or is stuff listed under "Humor" almost never funny?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:09:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Krog (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:02:49 (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on dude, next time don't try so hard...
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Everything you ever wanted to know about Krog
User id: 13502
Registered on or around: 2004-11-04 14:19:47
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 0
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Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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Tell me when you've actually written something.
Submitted by JohnnyACDC (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
retarded and hilarious. googly glass eyeballs are extra funny
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha. These other people are weird, this was awesome.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm confused... is this supposed to suck so hard?
If so, well done.
Submitted by Krog (user info) at 2004-11-04 17:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on dude, next time don't try so hard...