The New Underground Railroad (969 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansLabels: ETS_Short_Stories
Rating: 1.67 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-11-05 16:17:41 EST
It was a usual day in the heart of the American redland, deep behind enemy lines in the territory known as the Bible belt, in the Commonwealth known as Kentucky, in the town known as Dekoven. I awoke early before dawn and ventured outside to the mailbox in full camo, skipping from tree to tree along the way for cover, keeping a sharp eye out for the Christian Fundamentalists who could be anywhere at any moment. They were, after all, my neighbors. I had hoped that my clandestine mission would be swift and without incident, but it wasn't long before Charlie ambushed me.
"Hello there, bruther! How are you this mornin'?" He looked at my full camouflage, but thought nothing of it. "Goin' huntin'?"
"Yessir, I was a-thinkin' 'bout it." I responded quickly in the same down-home, wholesome vocal drawl I'd learned from my father in my youth.
"If you have a minute, son, I would like to tell you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Have you accepted Jesus into your heart this mornin', bruther?"
"You're damn right I have, bruther! Praise the Lord AMEN!"
"Well Glory Hallelujah! Glad to hear it bruther..."
Then we proceeded with the secret handshake I'd been taught by one of the insiders into their strange and ancient stupidity, which caused the situation to stretch out a little more than I would have liked. I couldn't show any signs of discomfort though, or the bastards would be onto me, and the refugees currently kept in my home would surely be stoned to death...
(Maybe at this juncture it would be appropriate to offer a little background on who I am and what's going on in my story here. You see, my name is Darrell, and I am a stationmaster on the Underground Railroad. Founded in the late 1700's, the Underground Railroad was once a means of getting slaves away from the oppression on their southern slave owners, but now it serves a different purpose. Ever since the Bush era when intelligence and homosexuality were outlawed and church attendance became mandatory in the southern and midwestern states, violators of the maximum intelligence quotients then imposed have been rewarded with a gruesome public death. I have since successfully helped over 500 families with proper pronunciation and multi-syllabic vocabularies across the border into the blue state of Illinois, and the freedom that lay beyond in Canada.)
"Ok, then, I'll see you in church, bruther," I said mockingly. It didn't matter though, he would never have picked up on my thinly masked contempt anyway, and I took my mail back into my house, grabbed my secret Ovaltine decoder pen, and proceeded to decode the day's correspondence from my contact on the other side of the Ohio.
The message topically read: "Hope you have a happy Sabbath bruther! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! Save the children! Kill a queer for Christ! - Jimbob"
But decoded it read: "Meet me Sunday at 1:00PM at the rendezvous point. There will be the usual blue boat waiting there to ferry the refugees across. All the fucktards will still be in church at that time, so there shouldn't be a problem. Sorry about the timing, but it's the best I can do. The heat is getting pretty tight here lately. - Jerome"
I stared at the page in disbelief...
How was I going to lead these people to safety and save my own hide by attending church on Sunday? The penalty for missing church was usually death by stoning. I couldn't very well just draw them a map...what if they got lost? What if they were spotted? There was a very specific way to get to the rendezvous point that was the safe way. It involved walking many miles of woods and farmlands with few distinguishable landmarks. Any deviation from the safe way could mean getting caught by one of the state line patrols. I knew then what I must do. There was no turning back now. It would be time for me to join them and escape to the North myself. I knew there were thousands of people I would be leaving behind, but they would just have to find their way on their own.
---
Sunday had finally come, and with minimal personal possessions to weigh down our journey, I and about 15 other refugees set out across the countryside toward the rendezvous point in an epic escape from religious persecution. The irony of that idea had not escaped any of us...
I hastily but cautiously lead them through a patch of woods and across a flat open field, which was always the most dangerous part of the journey. It was surreal though, having to traverse it in broad daylight. It seemed like a thousand eyes were upon us, and the clouds hovered above us like enemy spies. Needless to say, we ran through that part. I had a piece with me. It was an oldie but goodie - a .357 Magnum. It had belonged to my dad, but he had passed away sometime back, leaving it to me. He had also been 'one of them', and I eventually grew to loathe him for it.
I had always assumed that any totalitarian regime came with the instant revocation of the right to bear arms, but this had been different. In fact, citizens were encouraged to bear arms. They were told it was one of their most fundamental rights - to protect themselves against what was perceived to be a common enemy...evil. Funny how they tout this right as a sign of the moral benevolence of their leaders, while their other rights were eroded around them in the interest of their own 'protection'.
Evil had many forms too, according to 'them'...homosexuals, liberals, pro-choice proponents, secular media, and pretty much any other group that was viewed as a threat to the self-righteous bible-punchers' way of life. If a man or woman was found guilty of being any of these, I'll leave it to the reader to assume what the punishment was.
We finally reached the river, where I and my interstate accomplice instructed everyone to lie down inside the boat. I then walked back up the steep embankment to get a good view up and down river, making sure there were no patrol boats around, when I spotted an approaching vehicle. I instantly knew they were state line patrol...and I knew they had spotted me.
There was no way I could make it back down in time. It would only slow their escape. I yelled down to them to go. I pulled out my pistol. I turned to see the vehicle had stopped and two men were now running toward me, yelling. They pulled their pistols. I fired my gun. Two bullets entered the water a few meters from the boat that was now speeding away.
"They're gettin' away!" I yelled.
The men ran over and met me at the edge of the embankment just in time to see the boat safely out of range. We would all live to see another day.
"Damnit ya'll! Where the hell were ye?" I said mockingly. It didn't matter though, they would never have picked up on my thinly masked contempt anyway...
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=2978&art_id=qw1099511641511B242
User Reviews
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-09 12:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The future is bleak for Kentucky.
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2004-11-06 13:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-06 12:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-11-06 09:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a self-righteous homosexual, liberal, pro-choice proponent. Haha, just teasing, +2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-06 09:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead, but I love it anyway.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-11-06 08:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-06 07:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-06 01:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-06 00:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seeing as noone seems to have caught the William S. Burroughs reference here yet, I thought I'd enlighten you. http://www.ubersite.com/m/50765
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-05 22:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. Try not to mention the sarcasm so much- pointing it out specifically and repeatedly drags the reader down to the redneck's mental level, and that is insulting. Otherwise, good stuff.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-05 22:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad you like it Fetish...
I am suprised to take all the time you do to read my stuff. You have to be my #1 fan. You are always there when I write something to let me know how much you appreciate what I do, and for that I am grateful. Can we be homos together, Fetish? I LOVE YOU! Call me...you have my #.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Best post I ever read.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jesus_Loves_TwEE (user info) at 2004-11-05 19:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-05 18:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative. I enjoyed it.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A tad extream and improbable look into the future but an A for effort and a nice read.
Submitted by IamNotTheWorldTradeCenter (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS MUTHAFUCKIN TWO.
errrrr, I mean. Blasphemer! God will strike down with vengence to stop your wicked ways!
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-11-05 16:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the accents.