I'm dating a cripple, and it feels so right. (57381 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 101 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2004-11-05 17:02:00 EST
I know, I know. It's supposed to be "physically challenged", right? Where I come from, to be physically challenged is to be surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves. If you cannot walk, you are a cripple.
With that in mind, I have no reservations about labeling my girlfriend as such. It seems that the demands of birthing an alien baby _______________have rendered her lower appendages completely useless. It's a little strange, because they were working fine when we left the hospital, but completely lost any ability to function while she was watching The Swan later that evening.
So, back to the hospital we went. Medical professionals could not discover the direct cause of her troubles, except to inform us that indeed, her legs were not working. Prognosis: wheelchair.
Now the title of this post might mislead you into thinking I embraced her condition. Trust me, it's been a long, hard road. Who wants to waste time pushing some wheelchair around? Not me, that's who.
I was already preparing the usual excuses for bailing out on the relationship. Nothing fancy, as I find the classics are classics for a reason. "A dog ate my penis" or "I'm going to be a roadie for the Skorpions" would suffice.
But while rehearsing my speech in the mirror, my mind unraveled a key revelation. That revelation being "this is a pretty nice fucking mirror". It caused me to stop for a second and look around the room. Come to think of it, the plasma screen TV wasn't too shabby either. Or the furniture. Or essentially everything in her apartment. Or her car, which she couldn't drive anyway, since her legs don't work.
"Son of a bitch," I said to myself. "If I walk out on her now, I'll be walking around on all of this wonderful stuff. These are a few of my favorite things."
After many hours of consideration, I decided to stick with it. If I'm about anything, it's perseverance. Unfortunately dealing with her handicap was even worse than I could have ever imagined. I'm quite a lazy fellow, and I didn't appreciate the fact that taking her anywhere amounted to some form of exercise. At sporting events and concerts, I had to let her sit on my shoulders so she could see. And the sex, don't even get me started on that. Her long, lifeless legs constantly got in my way. I had to take an Origami class just to learn how to fold them properly.
I was at my wits end. So, I decided to turn to the one person I knew who could help. Jesus. I got down on my knees and prayed for guidance, searching for some way to embrace her possessions without having to deal with an inconvenient handicap.
Soon, my prayers were answered. The Lord worked his miracle through a telephone call from my girlfriend. It was a call in which she said those two words, those two wonderful words that have since changed my life forever.
Double amputation.
Extensive blood clotting in both legs meant that they needed to go, and I was the first at the dock to see them off. After surgery and a few short weeks of recovery, she was as good as new and better than ever.
So what is so great about having no legs, you wonder? For starters, how about everything? The sex became infinitely more satisfying and unique, as I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ. I can alternate between the wheelchair and stuffing her into a backpack. In case of emergencies, she becomes a handy weapon. I can plant my stash in her pocket, and ditch her out the window in case the cops start following me. There are hundreds of advantages lying right at my fingertips.
But perhaps the greatest thing about it is the freak factor. When you're carrying around someone like that, people who walk or drive past cannot help but be drawn to you. I feel like we're the king and queen of the Disturbance Ball.
Although this is usually a positive, it developed into somewhat of a problem when citizens did it at restaurants. It turns out that I hate it when people watch me eat.
So I devised a simple solution. I sawed the legs off of my niece's life-size Pinocchio doll. Then I superglued Velcro strips to the top of each one, and the corresponding strips to the inside portion of each of her thighs, right above the stump. Results were better than I could have possibly expected. It appeared as if she had the body of an adult, with the legs of a child. She looked like some type of mutant. I felt like a member of the X-men. Shave my head and I would be Professor X. Throw a clock around her and I would be Professor Griff.
This has served me well, for the most part, with the exception of one unfortunate encounter at a restaurant recently. We were trying to enjoy a quiet dinner when our table was approached by some pseudo-suave white guy with emo glasses. I had her upper legs covered with a blanket, so only her wooden shoes were exposed.
"Hi, I'm Todd." He interrupted our conversation. "And you are?"
"Alicia."
I volunteered my name even though he never asked.
"My name is Tinactin. Did you need anything?"
"Well, I was just wondering why this lovely lady was having dinner with you, when she could be at a better table with me. I've got a lovely view, although all I need to see is you."
"Tee-hee", she giggled.
"Look, we're trying to eat. You're ruining the taste of my Fettuccini. I am going to have to kindly ask you to step aside."
"I wasn't talking to you. You can only speak when I allow you."
"Ok, that's the final straw. I tried to be nice, but you forced my hand. The kid legs are coming off."
RIPPPPPPPPP.
The sound of Velcro tearing pierced the air and silenced the entire room.
Todd looked down at Alicia, first with confusion, then with what appeared to be a vague sense of terror.
"Wha...what is that? That thing?"
I quietly resumed eating my pasta. I wanted to let him stew for a moment in the pot of his own design. After a few seconds of seeing him in that catatonic state, I calmly responded.
"What do you mean? Oh, you mean those stumps? Those are just the fractured remains of what were formerly a normal pair of legs. Nothing to be worried about."
I could not decipher whether Todd's response was "good" or "God", for the sound of vomit gurgling into his mouth obscured all speech. He turned away from us and released it all over the floor.
Needless to say the waiters were pretty upset. On the bright side, we didn't have to pay for our meal. So once again her handicap became my advantage. Things are going well for us now, except I accidentally broke her wheelchair. I can't afford to buy her a new one, so she is going to have to settle for the cheapest viable alternative.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How come Berty hasn't rated this? What a fickle cripple that boy is
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wrong in so many levels
Submitted by NAKEDMAMMAL (user info) at 2008-07-31 00:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2006-11-06 19:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a bastard. xD
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by hael (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shallow...but yet oh so enlightning...i couldn't draw myself away from you harrowing tale all the while thinking that you are one sick guy
Submitted by bizzy (user info) at 2005-07-08 09:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt like a member of the X-men. Shave my head and I would be Professor X.
So what is so great about having no legs, you wonder? For starters, how about everything?
those two wonderful words that have since changed my life forever.
Double amputation.
These lines made it for me...fucking hilarious.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-22 11:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man oh man
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i read this before- still funny as shit though! especially the dj line!
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I weren't a man, I would offer you my womb so that we could procreate as many offspring as humanly possible.
Submitted by TheStitch (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...as I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ."
Gold. Pure gold.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-01-12 17:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-14 14:13:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserved B@W, no question.
congrats.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-12-02 16:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good godadamn that's some funny shit.
Submitted by Jeriko2k3 (user info) at 2004-11-16 15:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-15 21:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W wooo!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-14 14:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserved B@W, no question.
congrats.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
7009 hits?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So disturbing it's awesome.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How could you not give this +2. Thank god for BAW, or I would've never found this.
Hope you got insurance on her, in case things go south.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-14 00:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man what the fuck is with this post
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-13 14:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2004-11-13 08:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is possibly the sickest thing I have ever read. What is wrong with you? Did you ever think that there may be some cripple/vegetable/gimp who would read this. You are going top burn in hell for this. i loved it...........J
Submitted by Holoman (user info) at 2004-11-13 00:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha, nothing like laughing at those damn crips!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on B@W. Great stuff.
Submitted by lilgothbaby (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny but wrong...but funny. Awww I wish I knew someone I could put little toy legs on, that would be the best. You are a great person. I give you much WOOOOOT. You are a bread, I am love you.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome job.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on B@W!!!
Submitted by Deak <carleton.daniel.at.ic.gc.ca> at 2004-11-10 14:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was magic seriously...I thought when I announced at the bar that fat people didn't have feelings I was being spicy....this, however, is one spicy meatball!!!!!!!
Submitted by tubby at 2004-11-10 13:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
why is it the funny things always give me a little twinge like im going to hell?
Submitted by Jesus at 2004-11-10 12:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loled
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-11-10 12:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta try that.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for my birthday buddy!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is it that most of my negative ratings come from complete idiots, usually with terrible ratings on their posts? Do you think you know what's funny?
Submitted by degree451 (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not really sure why this is supposed to be funny. I'm not offended by it, I just don't get the humor. Obviously the problem is with me, because it made B at W.
Submitted by sempboy (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this really wasn't that great at all...i didn't even smirk, definitely not front page material at any rate
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-11-10 05:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So insensitive. So funny.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-10 03:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-10 02:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
and thank g-d you made this up.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-09 20:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-09 20:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA...some people think this actually happened.
Submitted by BT (user info) at 2004-11-09 20:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should beat that Todd mofo with the leg.
Submitted by geeohcities (user info) at 2004-11-09 19:49:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-09 19:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for B@W.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-09 19:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If I walk out on her now, I'll be walking around on all of this wonderful stuff. These are a few of my favorite things."
Brilliant. This one made my night.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-09 19:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what a fucking ass
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-09 19:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Timski <nah> at 2004-11-09 18:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold... Long live the nub style
Submitted by TheEvilleprechaun (user info) at 2004-11-09 18:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I usually am not horribly politically correct in ANY sense, but I very much hope you made that up. Really. I'm serious. Not kidding.
Submitted by Mummbles (user info) at 2004-11-09 17:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh My God! I never thought to use the excuse "I'm going to be a roadie for Scorpion".....thats fuckin' brilliant. Did anyone see them on Insomniac? there is alot of blatent homesexual tendencies in those Germans.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-11-09 16:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
"Ahem, Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes."
Submitted by Zoe <littlerayofsunshine65@hotmail.> at 2004-11-09 16:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
It was fuuny but you are a sick sick person to write about that i hope you get shot in the street by a nun. Thats how horrible you are a nun would shoot you.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-09 15:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well bite me in the nads, Tinactin has done it again! B@W!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-11-09 14:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So wrong and yet so right
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-09 13:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should start your own Casanova school, you devil you.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-11-09 13:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love handi-bitches...so insecure, you never have to worry about them cheating on you.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-11-09 13:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're really sick, man!
Submitted by Skorocel <skorocel.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-11-09 13:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Disgusting, disturbing, disturbed. I hope you just made it up, because it's too sick to be true.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-09 11:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wooooooooooooo B@W!
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2004-11-09 10:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. i cant seem to believe this is true though. hehe
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-09 04:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
B@W! Hell yes!
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-09 03:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing. Just amazing.
P.S. You're going to hell. Seeya there.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-09 03:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good boy.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-09 03:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart, put this on b@w or I'm leaving Ubersite.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-11-09 03:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why, but this line made me laugh out loud:
"I had her upper legs covered with a blanket, so only her wooden shoes were exposed."
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, where the fuck does greatness like yours come from? is it in the genes?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This fucking sucked ass.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-08 18:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so you like the chicks with nubs, eh?
<pulls out chain saw>
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The sex became infinitely more satisfying and unique, as I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ."
Awesome.
Simply Awesome.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-11-08 06:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-08 06:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahaha
Had to contribute a positive rating to this. 'twas all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-08 06:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way,
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50317#928313
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48997#891285
So there.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-11-08 03:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-08 02:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-06 14:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-06 04:16:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
My credit card number is
3432 8891 8823 5534
Name is Reynold S Peters
Security code is; 189
------------------------------------
Damn you, you didn't give me the expiration date!!!
Oh yeah, good story. Bad, but good.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-06 14:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahah! Killer...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-06 12:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome tough actin!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-06 04:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My credit card number is
3432 8891 8823 5534
Name is Reynold S Peters
Security code is; 189
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-11-06 02:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-06 01:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i say unto you pie
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-06 00:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"The sex became infinitely more satisfying and unique, as I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ"
sounds like something i wouldve said in conversation
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-06 00:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sick man. If only everyone in the world was like you, there'd be no need for earth, since we'd have blown it up already.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-05 23:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, I love you...
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-05 22:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A dog ate my penis
!!!!!
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-11-05 20:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
which idiot rated this a +1? this is the funniest thing ive read in a long time!
Great post
+2 LIVE
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-05 19:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
GO GO GO GO GO
spin that bitch!
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-11-05 19:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-11-05 18:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass.
Submitted by Adam2127 at 2004-11-05 18:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to hell, but I love you anyway
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-05 18:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-11-05 18:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly kicker of all ass. After a satisfying day at work berating all the vermin around me, there is nothing better than coming home to this.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very incorrect...I loved it. +2 for you.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Radio Flyer
Submitted by action_man (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Action.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by Banned_Slapshot99 <Suck_my_Pendulous_Sweetbreads_> at 2004-11-05 17:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so I'm guessing she's more like a really huge, more fun throw pillow with a few wet spots now?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:13:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ"
Now I have beer and snot on my keyboard!
*********************************************
An old roommate of mine used to make a point of dating little tiny(but legal)chicks. He used to call them 'spinners.'
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should buy her bigger boobs for Christmas.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So cruel, and yet so funny.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've mastered the art of spinning her from side to side as if I was a DJ"
Now I have beer and snot on my keyboard!
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have way too much time on your hands.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A man.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. Nice, clean, solid +2.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha yes!
Submitted by IamNotTheWorldTradeCenter (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my brother's GF had a stroke at 33yrs, she's a veggie & he stuck with her. Go figure!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it. I meant to link this.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/49805