Miss Vagina 2004 Beauty Pageant (8108 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mrprickle (View user info) at 2004-11-06 05:22:36 EST
I'm fed up!
So many times a supermodel or a hollywood starlet has used her 'sexy good looks' to lure me into her boudoir, but when the designer panties are pulled down I've been faced with lips that would embarrass a bulldog. Not to mention the bad breath.
Long legs, pert breasts, golden hair, perfect skin, sparkling eyes - sadly, these things tell you nothing about the state of a woman's cunt.
And let's face it, it's her cunt that's really important. All that other stuff is just the superficial trappings of our glamour obsessed society.
So, to avoid future encounters with women whose genitals resemble overflowing oozing muckbuckets of abattoir-rejected offal, I'm starting up the Miss Vagina 2004 Beauty Pageant.
The pageant will work in much the same way as traditional beauty pageants, except the only objects on display will be vaginas.
As in a traditional contest, entrants must display themselves in a number of different ways. Vaginas sporting elaborate pubic hairstyles or merkins could be seen as analogous to the traditional evening gown section, while shaven cunts would I guess be equivalent to the swimsuit section. And as with the traditional beauty pageant, entrants must demonstrate a special skill or hobby. Rather than singing a song or playing the violin, skills on display might involve popping a ping pong ball into a champagne glass, 'smoking' a cigarette or absorbing an eel.
Beyond these classical events, certain special features must also be added. For example, each vagina must be shown in both resting and sexually aroused states. The smell and taste of each vagina must also be judged, as of course must be the moistness and snugness of it's inner embrace. As this is the inaugural event, I will be looking for suggestions from the entrants themselves as to how these areas can best be assessed. This is a modern, progressive competition, and all stakeholders must be empowered.
If you feel you have a beautiful and talented vagina, and you love the spirit of competition, please provide your contact details below. It doesn't matter if you are obese or your face is covered in boils, it's your lovely pink cunt we care about.
Corporate sponsors, celebrity chat programs, charity and community organizations, fashion mags, and any other interested parties would also be best advised to make their overtures sooner rather than later, as Miss Vagina 2004 is sure to be in great demand.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-19 00:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-25 16:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sign me up for Taste Judge #1.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-25 15:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quit using my Merry Christmas message!
Submitted by BrittneyCheers4U (user info) at 2004-12-25 15:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I peed in the snow and spelled out MERRY F'N CHRISTMAS BITCHES just for you
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-25 15:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-06 05:47:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the fact that you are such a fucking weirodo
Submitted by TrickyRicky (user info) at 2004-12-25 14:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-06 09:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If you smelled one, you've smelled them all. Or something.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-11-06 09:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha
that reminds me. i need to find myself a vagina. aint gonna get some sitting here stoned all day
Submitted by prickle at 2004-11-06 07:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that labia blog slut will definitely NOT be a judge in my beautiufl cunt contest
Submitted by prickle at 2004-11-06 07:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
labia blog continued (is there any fucking way to post longer comments???)
Conversely, those men who revel in the vast variety of women's vulvas, who have no fear of the power in the vortex, are the ones I hold dear to my heart; men like Judah McAuley, who wrote such a top-notch ode to labia that the urge to fly Oregon and bed him immediately is nearly overwhelming; men like Stephen Luntz, who sees the political agenda of sexuality and shame with transparent clarity in a wholly admirable way
Submitted by prickle at 2004-11-06 07:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Had I opened my legs and discovered that my labia were actually quite large, I don't think I would have felt any differently about them. As my excessively cool friend Tara says, "big fannies rock" -- fanny, in this case, being the British euphemism for vulvas, not bums.
As Stephen noted in the previous guest entry, "it's as if a woman born with prominent labia is somehow more sexually provocative." I would go so far to say that a woman born with prominent labia is somehow seen as more sexual, and therefore more sexually threatening.
That, I decided, was what my disappointing lover had been saying that afternoon. Not that the actual size of my pussy was large, but that my sexuality as a whole was large: driven, joyous, flowing, desirous, demanding, knowing.
And yet this man tried, in his ineffectual way, to shame that, to shame me, by castigating my labia based on size. Needless to say, I never saw him again, and among my circle of girlfriends at the time, he became the totem for men with bad lovin' issues.
Submitted by prickle at 2004-11-06 07:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
some more labia blog:
Years later, there was another lover, another bed, and another afternoon, and I was gently resting in the after currents of some particularly poor sex.
"I love my pussy," I sighed, idly stroking it, trying to encourage him to come along and love it a bit more, too.
"Yes," he said tentatively. "It's very... big."
"Big?" I said, incredulously.
He could offer no exact explanation, and I never did figure out what he thought he was talking about. Briefly, I became distracted by the dimensions of my nether-regions. My vagina, I knew, was absolutely fine; one can hardly drive a lorry through it. My labia, however, I had never really pondered in isolation.
That afternoon, I left (who wants to waste a sunny day on mediocre sex?) and went home, where I propped a mirror between my legs and intently studied my labia for the first time.
And you know what? It was actually all much smaller than I'd ever thought it was. It was certainly smaller than it felt to my own hands, much smaller than the sensations it channeled under a partner's mouth or fingers, and much smaller than the pleasure it exuded.
"Heh," I thought, "neat." And that was the first and last time I ever doubted that my labia was perfectly, beautifully lovely.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-06 07:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There better be one for the guys to get judged - I want to be declared sexy *somehow*. Aside from that, why not?
Meanwhile, I'd also say (in the interests of keeping transvestites, bisexuals, and sickos happy) that there ought to be a co-ed comp - maybe get paired up and judge your competitors?
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-11-06 07:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the idea for this post came from that nipple thing that was on the uberboard - ie glamourous celebs may actually have nipples that are not to your taste.
this prompted me to wonder about their cunts, and to google 'beautiful cunts' which lead me to the 2003 Labia Blogathon http://www.darlingbri.co.uk/journal/archive.asp?id=216, here is a quote from that:
I've always thought my vulva was a thing of beauty, and I guess I've been lucky through the years in that my partners have, too. My college boyfriend went so far as to open the centerfold of an issue of Penthouse, and then open my own centerfolds to tell me why my pussy was more unique, more beautiful, and more arousing than the airbrushed perfection on the glossy paper.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-06 06:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know much about down there, I just know I stick my D-Ha in it, and its nice.
Submitted by Jillzie <Jillzie.at.CS.com> at 2004-11-06 06:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave my mother an orchid for her mother's day gift but I also thought about it looking like a vainga. She bore 4 children! Oh, GOD, George W and perfect Laura and his black laced daughters will hate me for that thought!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-06 06:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bart is a fairy.
Submitted by bart <bart.at.cilfone.com> at 2004-11-06 06:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'd rather reed about dicks.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-11-06 06:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait for this to start! You will all be amazed by my talent!
Submitted by BlinkSparky (user info) at 2004-11-06 06:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so you'd rather fuck a hippo wif a nice cunt then a mint bitch wif a loose cunt?
thats some whack shit....it's called a headjob dude
Submitted by the_mysterious_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-06 05:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
muy bien
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-06 05:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the fact that you are such a fucking weirodo
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-11-06 05:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love it! great idea! can i be a judge?
i myself hate blown-out meatcurtains flopping in the wind lookin like some chewed-up bubblegum and shit.