Ten items or less ASSHOLE (736 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.25 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rick (View user info) at 2004-11-07 16:07:26 EST
It was a boring, dull Sunday afternoon. My friends decided they wanted to get groceries. I said what the hell, and went with them. We went to the good 'ol "Can't afford" Hannaford grocery store that is right near our campus. I grabbed a red hand basket thing, and ran through the aisles, grabbing whatever looked good at the time. Slow old people repeatedly blocked my path. At their pace it would take several hours to complete their grocery gathering objective. Most could tell from my facial expressions and movement that they should make way for me. But some elderly were just too mentally incapacitated. I had to bash one over the head with a jar of peanuts so I could get to the food I wanted without wasting time.
I want to be on some kind of Supermarket Sweep type game show, where the competitor and I are assigned specific items to gather, and we both go at the same time in a race for the finish. I'd sneak up on them, tip over their cart, slam them down to the ground, and force expired milk down their throats until they give up, and let me win the game.
Anyways within a minute, I had gathered 4 essential items, and they fit under my budget of $21. I browsed the various "10 items or less" lines. FUCK! All three registers were full of stupid, slow old people. They haunted me everywhere I went in the grocery store... I watched one old lady as she was writing a check. She clearly suffered from arthritis. It was obvious she had given hundreds of thousands of hand jobs in her skanky lifetime as her hands quaked. She looked dazed and confused as she wrote the check. If I somehow manage to surpass the age of 65, please, some one kill me. I don't want to be a pathetic waste of space and resources, such as the people that were surrounding me. Meanwhile I watched the man in front of me load his items. Right away, I knew he must have more then the limit. I quickly counted in my head. One, two, threefourfiv... sixevnatenine... carry the two... ELLEVEN! GAHHH! There's nothing I hate more when I go to the line then fuckers who have more than ten items. It clearly states TEN ITEMS OR LESS in a large sign. The fucker thought he could get by with one measly extra can of nasty vegetables. He looked around him, as he waited for the ugly miserable cashier to bag his ELEVEN items. He thought he could get away with it. I had an expression of fury and rage on my face. We made eye contact, and I started to smell his fear. I held back my anger. "Let him go Rick... let him go. You're better than this. You don't have to attack him. Just let him get his stupid fucking eleven items, pay for your groceries, and go." I tried thinking of happy thoughts, aka sex, and my fist slowly unclenched.
I had obviously picked the wrong line. My friends had already paid for their groceries, and were at the car. We also had to take a trip to Rite aid. We walked in, and right away, I noticed a hot blonde cashier. I imagined myself fucking her over that counter, while forcing her to solve complicated algebraic questions before I climax. I didn't need to purchase any items, so I just looked around while talking to my friends. I said something, and they laughed. A fat ugly woman wearing tight clothing from behind an aisle said, "You guys need to stop having so much fun." WHAT THE FUCK?! I hate it when random ugly people talk to me, but I hate it even more when they say stupid things such as "stop having so much fun." Honestly, who the hell says those kinds of things? Anyways, I branched off from my friends and looked around more, when I saw, who else, but the man who bought eleven items at the grocery store just a couple of minutes ago. He caught glimpse of me, and dashed off. I couldn't control myself this time. I had to seek vengeance. I grabbed a nearby frying pan that was on sale, and ran after him. I have no fucking idea how, but he managed to disappear. After a while of running around the store, I gave up. Moments later, I saw him run out the entrance, and go into his car. I was too far away, and he had escaped my grasp. My attention shifted as I looked at the mildly attractive blonde woman at the counter. I imagined myself ramming her behind. As I was thrusting she moaned, and with hesitation she said, "X equals negative five?" I screamed, "NO DAMMIT. X equals ZERO" and donkey punched her as hard as I could.
User Reviews
Submitted by smurf_master (user info) at 2004-11-07 17:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in a book store once reading the back of cheesy porn movies when I asked out loud "what's a nymphomaniac?" I knew the answer of course, I was just being a stupid ass, but little did I know that an ugly fat woman was standing right behind me. "There's a dictionary over there why don't you go look it up?" she said in an ugly fat kind of way.
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-11-07 17:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You try to hard to force humor. Over dramatic. Oh no, not one extra item. Kill all the old people! They always take up two seconds of my time with that one goddamn item! Ya I know, you were just trying to be funny. But funny you were not.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, in a sort of drunken, vitriolic kind of way.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Besides a few forced parts where you're trying to hard for the laugh, this wasn't too bad.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
b ahah
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
working on <ten items is the shittiest thing. i served some bell-end with 42 items the other week. 42!! it took the retailic piss
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If that part about the man in the line is true, I love you.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title. Now, I'm going to read it.