Who's That (1208 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.25 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-11-07 19:20:22 EST
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Entry 1
He stumbled as he walked along the edge of the road, lurching from side to side, with a bottle in one hand and a pistol in the other, alternating between putting one in his mouth, then the other. He mumbled incoherently to himself in between sips and sobs. Suddenly he stopped and looked up at the bright morning sky."I was Him." He slurred to no one in particular, waving his arms around wildly. He stopped and took a deep breath, then balanced precariously on one drunken leg, pulling the knee of his other leg up to his chest, his arms straight out and up with his fingers pointing toward the ground. He focused on a point in space about five feet away from his face and with a piercing cry, lashed out with his leg at his imaginary foe. Landing awkwardly, he slipped, rolling down the steep scree-slope to his left, sliding over rocks and small, dry, spiky shrubs. Down and down he continued to slide, a one-man avalanche, finally reaching a point where the slope evened out onto another road, where he slid to a gravelly stop on his belly. Bruised, bloodied and bewildered, he reached out toward the few passing cars desperately with one hand, like a man in the desert reaching for a distant oasis. One of them stopped.
A woman, dressed smartly in a pantsuit and low heels got out and clip-clopped her way over to the man.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" She asked in that helpless way people do. The man merely groaned in response.
"It's okay, I've been training in first aid, I'll help you." She said as she knelt down beside him. Suddenly, the man turned over, grabbing her arm with one hand, drawing her closer to him, and raised the pistol with the other. The woman screamed in surprise and fear.
"Shut up, bitch, if you want to live." He said at her through gritted teeth, his words no longer mumbled and incoherent. Keeping tight hold of her, he struggled to his feet. "Where's your car?" he demanded. She cautiously nodded in the direction. He half-dragged her toward the car. When they reached the car, he made her get in on the passenger side and climb over to the wheel, and followed her in. "Drive." He commanded.
"W- where" the terrified woman stammered.
The man sat there for a moment, staring into space. "We-well, where were you going?" he asked.
The woman looked at him, her eyebrows curled in question. "Um, I was going home. But, don't you have a plan or something?" she asked, forgetting her situation for a moment.
"Do I look like I got a plan, lady?" he replied.
"But don't kidnappers usually have a plan, like you gotta have a reason to do it, don't you?" she waited tensely for a response.
"Just start the fucking car and drive, lady. And besides, I'm not a kidnapper, I'm a movie star." He said, cryptically.
They drove for some time in silence. He sat there fidgeting with the pistol, sometimes putting his feet up on the dash, sometimes not, never quite seeming comfortable. The woman drove, glancing nervously at her captor from time to time. He neither looked at her, nor made any real indication that he knew she was there. After driving big circles in and around the outer suburbs of Los Angeles for almost two hours, she had had enough.
"So," the woman began tentatively, "like, what are we doing? Where are you taking me? Who are you?" she began to spit questions at him rapid-fire, getting a little hysterical. The man just sat there and glowered. "Well? Well? Are you going to kill me? Rob my things? Or... rape... me?"
"What? What, no. I'm not going to do any of that. I haven't quite worked out what I'm doing. This wasn't exactly planned. See, have you heard of Ralph Macchio?" he asked, turning to her.
"Um, no, who's that?" she blanched beneath the baleful glare he cast at her.
"Who's that? Who's fucking that? I'm Ralph Macchio. I'm a movie star. Fuck!" he yelled out to the universe in general.
"Oh. I'm sorry. Wh-what where you in?" she asked meekly.
"What was I in? Wh-." He stopped, and took a deep breath, pinching he skin in between his eyebrows. Calmly, he said, "I was in the Karate Kid; one, two and three."
"Oh! You mean that movie with that little Japanese guy, Mr. Miyagi! I remember that, he was great. What part did you play?" she said, excitedly.
Ralph gripped the dashboard tightly, his knuckles going a deathly white. Through clenched teeth, he said, "I was the karate kid, you know, the title character, the guy THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE IS ABOUT!" screaming the last wildly, foam flying from his mouth. The woman cowered against the door in fear. "I was the star! That little gook was my co-star, MY CO-STAR!"
"Ok, Ok. I'm sorry; I'm sorry, please stop yelling. I'm sorry. I remember you now" She said, her eyes filling with tears in fear. He turned to his window and steamed. Suddenly, he jerked up.
"Wait. Stop. Pull over here - we are going in there." He said, pointing at a building.
"The Jun Chong Tae Kwon Do Dojo? Why are we going there?" the woman asked, craning her neck around to look at the building.
"No, that's not the Jun Kwong whateverwhatever dojo, that's the Cobra Kai Karate dojo. That's where it all began..." Ralph said, his voice drifting off as he reminisced.
"But it says-" the woman began.
"I know what it says, but that's not what it is. Just shut the fuck up and park. We're going in there. I have a plan."
Walking into the dojo, with the woman held tightly in front of him, Ralph yelled: "All right everyone, I'm Ralph Macchio, and I'm taking this place over, now get out! Get the fuck out!"
One of the students turned to another and said, "Who's that?" almost inaudibly. Almost, but not quite.
Ralph turned on him. "What did you just say?" He screeched, waving the pistol wildly at the man.
"What, man, I didn't mean it, I didn't do nothing." He said cowering on the floor.
Ralph fired a shot into the ceiling of the dojo. The fifteen or so people in their white 'karate' outfits and the instructor in his black outfit screamed and bolted for the other exits. "Go sit over in that corner" Ralph told the woman and moved to the middle of the floor, an intense look upon his face as he stood in the middle on one leg, his arms up again in the same pose with his fingers pointing toward the floor. With a shriek he lashed out his leg with deadly precision, kicking that Aryan preppie jerk right square in the nose. The crowd roared, his new, hot girlfriend bounced over to him, everything was right...
"What are you doing?" the woman asked from her corner, a skeptical look upon her face. Ralph snapped out of his reverie and span hastily around.
"Oh. Ah. Nothing. Come help me bar this door. Now!" he said sheepishly, but yelling the last bit, regaining control. She moved over and helped him drag a table over against the door.
"So, ahh, what's your plan?" the woman asked. "Actually, before you answer, I just want you to know that my name is Tasha Valenzuela, and I have two children aged 2 and 4. I'm a decent person; I do good for the community-" she trailed off, starting to sob quietly, but trying to hold it back.
Ralph was bewildered. "What? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't care about that stuff. I mean, cool, you've got kids, congrats, but what's that got to do with me and my plan?"
Tasha looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to kill me?"
Ralph looked at her with a disgusted look on his face. " Didn't I already say that? Jeez, get over yourself; we're talking about me here. Now, my plan is to get he cops and the newspapers here and eventually the T.V. and show everyone that I'm still around and still a great actor." He strutted around, looking for a telephone. "Now I got everyone who was in here's attention, they'll be sure to call the cops, we just gotta sit here and wait."
Tasha just looked at him. "That's your plan?"
Ralph beamed. "Yep"
"You're an imbecile. That's not going to achieve anything."
"Yes it will, you'll see. Everyone will remember who I am and everything will be right again."
"N-" she began as the phone rang. Ralph looked at her triumphantly.
"See?" He said, "Answer it."
Tasha picked up the phone. 'He-Hello?" she asked with a quivering voice. "Yes, I have been abducted, I am the woman. Ralph Macchio has me, and-" she went silent for a moment. "Ah, Ralph Macchio? Um, he says he was a movie star or something."
Ralph seethed and stared white-hot daggers at the woman. "Give me that goddamn phone." He said in a dangerously quiet voice and pushed her away. "Listen you goddamn pig, I'm Ralph Macchio, I'm a goddamn movi- Macchio. Macchio, fucking Macchio! No, I'm not going to spell the godd-. Arrgh, fuck. M-A-C-C-H-I-O. Macchio. I told you I'm a fucking movie star and I expect to be treated as such. Wait. What was that? Did I just hear someone in the background say 'who's that'?" Ralph put his hand over the phone and screamed at the top of his lungs and then stood, perfectly still, with his eyes closed for just a moment. Tasha watched him in terror. Ralph took his hand off the phone and said in an oddly calm voice "Listen, then next time I hear ANYONE say 'who's that', so help me, I'll shoot this woman right here. You got me?"
"Ok, ok, Ralph-" The policeman began
"Make that 'Mr. Macchio'." Ralph interrupted.
"Ok, I'm sorry, Mr. Macchio, fine. Now, Mr. Macchio, what are your demands, what do you want?"
Ralph answered right away, no hesitation "I want to speak to Tarantino. Now."
The policeman answered with stunned silence.
"Well?" Ralph asked tersely.
"Ah, wha-, you wanna speak to Quentin Tarantino? The movie guy? Pulp Fiction?" The officer stammered.
"Yes, get him on the phone ASAP. Or, I'll shoot this poor, innocent mother of two in the head." He said, winking at the woman, and hung up. "Well, I guess now we wait." He said and sat down heavily, all of a sudden he felt really, really tired, he felt that all he really wanted was rest, just to lie on the spot for a while and rest.
They waited. They waited some more. They waited even longer. Ralph and the woman sat there in silence, avoiding one another's glance. Finally, the relieving tone of the telephone ringing broke the oppressive silence. Ralph dashed over to it, and quickly picked up the receiver.
"Hello?" he asked tentatively.
"Yeah? Who's that?" came the irritated, somewhat nasally response.
"Ah, this is Ralph Macchio."
"Who? Oh, yeah, the guy. What the fuck do you want, guy?" The man on the other end demanded.
"Um, is this Quentin Tarantino?" Ralph asked cautiously.
"Who else is it gonna be, the Queen of England?" Quentin replied, his voice thickening with impatience.
"Ok, ok. Well, Mr. Tarantino, you resurrected John Travolta's career with 'Pulp Fiction'. I want you to do the same for me."
"What the fuck? Is there a fucking sign on my fucking head that says 'Dead Career Repairs? Do I look like fucking Santa fucking Claus to you, motherfucker? I'm a busy fucking man, I haven't got time... for this bullshit." Quentin ranted.
"Well, see-" Ralph began.
Quentin interrupted "No, YOU see, jerkoff. Uma comes home in like 30 minutes, and if she catches me talking to some has-been nobody actor then I'm gonna get divorced. And I don't wanna get fucking divorced. I wanna help you out, but I don't wanna lose my wife doing it."
"But Quentin, you aren't married to Uma are you?" Ralph asked, bewildered.
"See, she's gonna come home and she's gonna ram those giant fucking thumbs of hers right up my fucking ass. I'm talking morning, noon, night after night; thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb, thumbthumbthumb. Now, you've got personality, and personality goes a long way, but I ain't taking a shot in the ass for nobody. I just wanna sit here and eat my bacon, 'cos bacon tastes-"
Ralph hung up.
Dejected, he dropped the phone the phone and sat down, listlessly, staring into space, his mind as blank as the expression on his face. Tasha got up and peeked out the window.
She turned around. "TV's here." She said. Ralph got up instantly, and ran to the window. Just outside was a perfectly coiffured woman standing with a mic in her hand in front of a TV news camera. Ralph could just hear what she was saying.
"Here I am at the scene of the hostage situation, where deranged man, Ralph Macchio, apparently formerly of 'Happy Days' fame, where he played 'Chachi'-" she said in her perfectly modulated voice.
Ralph's face went beet-red. A small trickle of blood ran from his nose. Dropping the gun, he took a few steps back and then ran and dived through the window, seamlessly rolling to his feet, oblivious to the cuts from the glass and crash-talked the newswoman. A startled cry went up from the crowd of bystanders, and the deep barks of policemen shouting orders to 'freeze!' and 'get him!' reverberated around the scene. Ralph babbled incoherencies as the woman screamed for help. Suddenly, Ralph got up, pulling the pistol from where it was tucked into his pants where it had miraculously not fallen out or blown off his testicles. He waved it around wildly as the cops' barked orders became much more insistent. All eyes, and firearms that weren't on Ralph, suddenly were. A blond policeman stepped forward cautiously, his hands empty and raised with the palms out. He spoke in a soft, soothing tone, trying to get Ralph to "drop the gun buddy, this isn't worth it, just drop the gun". But Ralph wasn't hearing anything except the crowd. This was his moment, and here was that preppie jerk stepping up to the line, this was the final bout, this was it. They'd cheated and bullied and done everything they could but still he was here, ready to fight. Slowly, gracefully, he lifted his arms up and outward, the fingers pointing down to the ground, one knee pulled up to his chest.
"What the fuck is he doing?" Whispered someone in the crowd.
"I think it's the crane kick, from that movie with the little old Japanese dude." The whispered reply.
The cop approached. Ralph leapt, his foot flashing out toward the man. The crowd screamed as the report of gunfire sounded. It was over.
*******
Months later, Tasha Valenzuela sat at home watching television with her small children, one of those celebrity gossip shows was on.
"And in our 'Who's That?' segment today" A man with teeth so bright you could guide a plane in to land with them said, "we are profiling resurrected star Scott Baio, winner of an Emmy recently for his chilling portrayal of deranged kidnapper, Ralph Macchio in hit telemovie "The Macchio Man". It seems that his performance has gotten the notice of Hollywood, as his name has been linked with everything from Tarantino's new project, to being the next James Bond..."
Tasha flicked the channel, and smiled quietly to herself. "Well, looks like you made it back, Ralph." She said.
One of her children turned to her, the eldest and asked:
"Who's Ralph, Mommy?"
- VS -
Entry 2
I could tell you about how I didn't have the time, or blame illness. But to be completely honest, I've just got nothing.Sorry?
Entry 1:
absolutes
Ainkara
BoxcarChild
cexshun
Circe
corn_nugget
Coyote
Dirtbird
Disektor
engine13
espo
FunnyAsCancer
godking
hummer_please
humor_me
hyprspacd
iddqd
Ingsoc
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
JohnGalt
JonnyX
LadyPlural
munkeypants
mystiamoon
NerfHerder
polyamorousaj
Prodigy
purringbubbles
rad1101
ralphmacchio
redraven
salmonofdoubt
satchel
screamfeeder
Seralena
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Spuds002
Stabkill
stevie_says
thaumaturge
tidalfae
tinactin
tlozoot
Vermin
wazzawazzayo
William_Q_Percy
WillZone
xenon
youarsoghey
zombieZero
38 eligible votes (52 total) *
Entry 2:
10c7c
bigbabylons
bob
darko
GodChicken
will72
3 eligible votes (6 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-11-10 19:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
2... are you sorry or not?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AHHH!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-10 17:00:03 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-10 08:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I smell poo. Is it on my shoe?
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-09 22:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-09 22:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved entry 1.
Author 2, thanks a lot, pussy.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-09 21:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-09 20:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She turned around. "TV's here." She said. Ralph got up instantly, and ran to the window. Just outside was a perfectly coiffured woman standing with a mic in her hand in front of a TV news camera. Ralph could just hear what she was saying.
"Here I am at the scene of the hostage situation, where deranged man, Ralph Macchio, apparently formerly of 'Happy Days' fame, where he played 'Chachi'-" she said in her perfectly modulated voice.
+_+_+_
Even if author 2 wasn't a forfeiting pussy (round four forfeits? jesus fucking christ!), entry 1 would have gotten it for that paragraph. Awesome and hilarious, and having scott baio playing him in a movie--sheer genius. Awesome. Fucking awesome.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-09 18:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-11-09 18:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-09 16:47:44 EST (#)
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I'm in a bad mood.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2004-11-09 16:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-09 14:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahahaha
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-09 09:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow....
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-09 09:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-09 01:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A fucking forfit in round four, what the fuck?
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-11-08 21:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BoxcarChild (user info) at 2004-11-08 21:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-11-08 20:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-08 18:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear jeebus. You had a *great* title. You're in round fucking four. Come the fuck on, people.
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2004-11-08 16:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-08 15:23:53 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-08 14:27:57 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-11-08 13:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-11-08 12:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If do right, no defense. Best just forfeit.
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-11-08 12:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
boooooo!!!
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-11-08 11:45:56 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-11-08 10:39:50 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-11-08 08:30:44 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-08 08:18:09 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-08 06:11:07 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-08 05:51:39 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by Prodigy (user info) at 2004-11-08 05:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-08 03:58:56 EST (#)
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Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-08 03:41:46 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-08 03:16:00 EST (#)
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dammit
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:26:21 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was awesome.
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2004-11-07 21:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actual effort was given
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-11-07 21:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-07 21:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-11-07 21:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-11-07 20:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-07 20:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Gah. Forfeits.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least I don't have to vote against something good.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hummer_please (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Usually things like entry #1 don't work, but we have a skillful operator here folks!
Congrats, author #1, excellent job. Too bad you had no competition.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-07 19:30:15 EST (#)
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No Comment
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like honesty
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-11-07 19:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG WTF A FORFEIT IN ROUND 4! -2 DIE DIE DIE DIE!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH