The Anchovy Is A Fish? You Could Have Fooled Me. I Thought It Was Just A Pizza Topping (476 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.33 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <RCChristi.at.msn.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-07 19:40:57 EST
Who's ever gone fishing for anchovies? Is anchovy really a fish?
Anchovies allegedly are "fish" on a pizza. But if they aren't found
anywhere else than on a pizza, then they are just a fish out of water.
For who has ever frequented the docks of the longshoremen in Gloucester
and peered into their ruddy boats while their weather-beaten rugged faces
with mouths like fried onion rings proudly announce that their morning's
catch has included the usurping of 75 two-foot-long three-and-a-half pound
anchovies?
I tend to doubt that your ancient grandfather from that quaint little
seaside village of Speonk ever shortened up on his midnight curfew to hit
the sack stone sober at nine in order to wake up at 3 a.m. and take to his
friend's boat for the purpose of motoring on out to a lucrative spot along
the inlet and dropping his line, drooping with an inch-thick night crawler,
and settling on back in that rusty captain's chair in the pre-dawn chill with
his mind filled with thoughts of reeling in some big anchovy from the
mysterious fathoms.
And then there's his wife, your white-haired paternal grandmother, waiting
at home with a skillet the size of Poland and a wad of lard. She reads in the
lamplight the pages of a Betty Crocker cook book featuring a thousand-and-one
recipes on preparing deep-sea anchovies. She prefers the one where you
leave the head on the fish and jam an apple in its mouth. She won't even
bother to scrape the scales off any of them; she'll just take the whole
school of 'em and plop 'em into a pool of grease and let 'em fry on the
stove until all the grease has abandoned the skillet and leaped up to the
ceiling, where it belongs anyway, according to the looks of your kitchen.
What the hell does that woman do all day in that house anyway? Sit idly
by in her rocker and read from that anthology of collected anchovy stories
written by forerunners in the field such as Robert Louis Stevenson, Herman
Melville and Jimmy Breslin?
Then after fishin' you count your catch and keel haul it back into town,
park the truck in the dusty lot outside the Salt 'n' Pepper Gin Mill, duck
inside and let the bullshitting begin.
Man, no anchovy in the back of that pickup can compare to the one that
got away. There was Jed, by your side, trying to help you bring 'im in,
but mostly chattering banter about skinning that sucker, deboning it,
chopping it up and spreading it out on top of a deep dish sixteen-inch
pizza. He's just this jag-off guy who's too lazy to go out and pick up
his own pizza when he phones one in. He's an old fart now who used to
hang out in pizza holes like Nancy's in Chicago and pig out on buckets
on anchovies, hold the pizza.
So you spread your arms as far apart as possible and lie without remorse
when you give those astronomical dimensions of the alleged anchovy of
impossible weight, height, girth and length. Man, forget trying to pull
this one off anymore because you've gone too far. UPS couldn't accept
your stinkin' made-up lie of a fish even if it actually existed and you
had it packaged perfectly. You and your old Speonkian buddy from Chicago
should just pack it in, go home to your wives and help them clean the
ceilings.
User Reviews
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, no anchovy in the back of that pickup can compare to the one that
got away.
-------------------
You get another +2 for this line right here.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit is funny.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-08 11:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I THOUGHT THEY WERE SOME TYPE OF VEGETABLE.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-07 20:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I have 2 problems with you, sir. Number 1 is that the way you set your text. It is immensely irritating, and annoying to read. The way to fix this is to type to the end of the text box that you find conviently through the "submit" link. The reason it scrolled so much on your first post was that you had a massive picture at the bottom. The text conforms to the size of the picture.
My second problem is that you are 42, work for an insurance company, and have yet to post anything interesting or worth reading, and most likely never will. I'm going to leave this as a -1, in case you do end up posting something better. This was better than half the drivel posted on a daily basis, but that's REALLY not saying much. At least you spell check.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-07 19:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...quaint little seaside village of Spelunk? I think I've been there.