The Baddest Man In The Whole Damned Town (997 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.89 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2004-11-07 22:22:51 EST
"And it's bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog."
Leroy Brown stood in the doorway of a dingy bar on a rainy day in the South of Chicago. His imposing figure barely squeezed into the doorway, and it looked as he could make the slightest move and easily reduce the surrounding doorframe to splinters.
His fat gold chains and diamond pinky rings glittered in between the raindrops, giving him a shiny quality that seemed to light up the whole block.
He winked as the scantily clad women slinked by the bar door. He knew all the girls in this neighborhood - hell, half of them worked for him. Leroy was one of those people that oozed sexuality - pheromones poured out of his veins and into the loins of every woman he was near.
That was probably why he was such a successful pimp - all his girls loved him.
Out of the corner of his eye, Leroy caught sight of something that he liked. It was a girl he had never seen before. She wasn't from around this part of town - Leroy would have noticed her before. She was the kind of girl that you didn't forget.
She glowed in her red dress and gave him a coy smile as she slinked past his massive frame and into the bar. At first his head, and then the rest of his body followed her into the dilapidated, ill-lit watering hole.
But Leroy was a smart man. He knew he couldn't just walk up to a girl like this and start talking.
Signals needed to be made.
Eyes needed to meet.
Looks needed to be exchanged.
He needed to get the pleasantries out of the way. After all, he wasn't an animal.
Leroy threw up his hand on the way to the dice table in the back. The bar tender, an old friend, was quick to pour him a fresh beer.
Leroy threw down a few hundred on the dice table.
Six and one. Seven.
Four and three. Seven.
Two and five. Seven.
Leroy let out a yelp as his rolled his fourth seven in a row. He was up big. He glanced over at the end of the bar and their eyes met.
He was lucky today.
After excusing himself from the table, he sauntered over to the bar, right next to the red goddess, and ordered a drink.
"Hey, sweet cakes. What's your name?"
She turned her head slightly, her silky hair falling down over her right eye, and said, "Well hello there big boy. I'm Doris. And you are...?"
"The ladies 'round here call me 'Treetop Lover.' The guys, they just call me 'sir.' But you can call me Leroy."
"Well, Leroy, it's nice to meet you." Doris said as she extended her head.
Instead of taking her hand and gently shaking it, Leroy took it and brought it to his lips.
Doris' gasp quickly turned into a smile as Leroy began to work his kisses up her arm and to her neck.
He was almost to her lips when he felt a dead weight on his left shoulder.
"What the fuck?" Leroy said as he turned.
He left jaw was met his a rather large, black fist.
"'What the fuck' is right, motherfucker! What the hell do you think you doing here? You tryin' to fuck my WIFE, you dirty pimp fuck?!" the large black man behind Leroy spat at him.
"Why...you...stupid...motherfucker!" Leroy gritted as he got back to his feet.
"Do you know who I am?! I'm Leroy-fucking-Brown, son, and I'll FUCK WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT in this part of town!"
"I know who you is, and you can fuck whoever you want, as long as it ain't MY FUCKING WIFE!"
And with that, Doris' husband whipped out a switchblade from his back pocket and slashed Leroy across the face. Leroy lunged at him and soon both men were on the floor. Doris stood above both of them yelling at the top of her lungs for them to stop as the rest of the bar closed in around them.
A few of the men in the bar managed to pull both of the fighters from the ground, but that was only after it was already slippery with blood. Only one of them got to his feet by himself.
They had to pull poor Leroy up off the floor. He looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a few of the pieces missing. An ear here, a slice of nose there, blood everywhere. A mess.
Doris was crumpled in the corner like a cheap suit, sobbing her eyes out. Her husband, covered in blood, bent over and helped her up and out of the bar. No one ever saw them in that part of town again.
Then again, no one ever saw Leroy Brown after that either.
"Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
Cause Leroy Brown learned a lesson
Bout messin' with the wife of a jealous man." - Jim Croce, "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"
User Reviews
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.....nice
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 20:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Operator...oh would you help me place this call....see the number on the match book is old and faded...Thank you for your time...well you've been so much more than kind....you can keep the dime...."
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-11 19:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 18:33:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck it...it's a good story. Mrs. Shlongy can tongue my shaft.
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Awww...thanks schlongy. and give Mrs. Schlongy a dirty sanchez for me.
Espo
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 18:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck it...it's a good story. Mrs. Shlongy can tongue my shaft.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 18:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm gonna have to minus this because Mrs. Shlongy hates Jim Croce...even "Operator".
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-11 18:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-08 09:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-08 08:01:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like BigMike's version better.
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BigMike did a version?
Fuck.
Oh well, I suck.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-08 08:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like BigMike's version better.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-11-08 07:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-08 07:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:41:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, Leroy, it's nice to meet you." Doris said as she extended her head. "
She gave in that fast, huh?
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I reread it and still didn't catch that one. Geez, talk about a Freudian slip, haha.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck yeah
Submitted by Thadder (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-11-08 00:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, Leroy, it's nice to meet you." Doris said as she extended her head. "
She gave in that fast, huh?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME.
Plus you have the same birthday as me. Except you're my bro's age. Hmm. It's okay, you still rock.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoooa
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, badass.
I was gonna say Leroy Brown when i saw this post..... unfortunately you beat me to it.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-07 22:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bad.ass.