CDC ALERT! To the parents of white children everywhere (587 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.8 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smoothe (View user info) at 2004-11-10 10:01:25 EST
NEWS ALERT!
The Center for Disease Control has released it's findings from a recent study of gait problems in the young American white male called whiggeritis. It seems that for years, white kids all across the suburbs of the United States have had worsening problems walking straight. Whilst these white children's black counterparts have endured this problem for years, it wasn't until the mid to late 80s that white children began to acquire the disorder.
The problem starts with a troubling trend towards improper grammar use. White children begin replacing the word "yes" with "yeya," and instead of "I understand," the children begin to use "word." It seems that this disorder in some way also affects the vocabulary stores in the brain. The children know that some word is used there, but can only come up with the word "word" as a substitution.
In early studies it was believed that these symptoms could be blamed on infections caused by mass amounts of fake gold worn around a child's neck. It is now believed that it is caused by some compound found in the SouthPole line of clothing intended for urban youths. Or polar bears. The connection is not quite yet understood, as symptoms also seem to appear after a white child dons Tommy Hillfiger, Nautica, FUBU, ECKO, or RoccaWear clothing. A WARNING TO WHITE PARENTS EVERYWHERE: DO NOT LET YOUR WHITE CHILD WEAR THESE CLOTHING LINES. THE AFOREMENTIONED APPAREL WILL CAUSE GAIT INSTABILITY AND VOCAL PROLAPSE IN YOUR CHILD.
Numerous steps have been taken to avoid these problems - the government is subsidizing the purchase of IZOD, Lacoste, GAP, Abercrombie and Fitch, and American Eagle clothing lines. It is thought that the wearing of these garments acts as a crutch on white children everywhere, straightening their gait. Caution must be taken, however, as these garments can be overused and render the small white child unable to comprehend rhythm.
If you should find your white child walking with impaired gait and vocabulary retrieval, call 1-800-STA-WITE immediately. Along with the child's primary care physician, we will work to ensure white children everywhere can walk without a pimplimp. Thank you and god bless.
User Reviews
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I use those words too. I listen to the Beastie's too. I am white too. Now I'm not a racist, but I just don't trust those white kids.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Indeed, I too say Ill and word because I have Beastieitis
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i started saying "word" and "ill" a long time ago because i was into old beasties at the time. and i'm white. and so are they.
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2004-11-10 11:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lunchpail
1) you will notice I did mention "suburban" white kids only
2) I live in fucking Maine for christ sakes, and even though it is in Portland, which is such a huge city, there are no ghettos here. Only trailor parks - white trash ghetto's.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing post man. Very well written. However- it is racist, plain and simple. Now im not gonna get mad or anything like that- I just want to explain a couple things to you.
First off FUBU SUCKS! LOL! I would definately fall into your category of having "whiggeritis". However if you actually said that to my face I would stomp you out. Alot of white kids who grew up in the inner city and went to inner city schools behave this way. I went to inner city schools and Ive seen and done shit that you can only imagine son. I wear timberland, ecko,nautica,. Now I think that yes it is funny to clown but one thing you should understand is that alot of white kids grew up with alot of friends of different races and your friends greatly affect who you become as a person. I just say- dont judge me because Im white and I might not dress like other white people- what the fuck does that mean anyway? NOTHING.
My story is really really wierd, making me just as wierd, LOL. Ill be short. My parents got divorced when I was a kid. My father is very wealthy. When we were kids however he didnt really buy is anything because he was bitter about payin mom child support. Mom didnt spend jack on us- we were extremely lucky to get new school clothes every so often. I went to inner city schools and I have tons of friends of different races and like I said my friends and enviroment "rubbed off" on me. Basically what im tryin to say here is that just because someone dresses differently doesnt mean theyre some suburban kid that wants to be "ghetto" some white kids are actually from the ghetto. How is timberland and ecko ghetto anyway? That shit is expensive! Our whole family grew up alot since I was a kid. I still live in what you might call "the ghetto" however, I got a great job, still have alot of the same friends, and now dad spoils the shit outta me. Sometimes I drive one of his new caddys (escalade or cts) man that shit looks funny parked in my driveway. One thing that has changed alot is Im no longer into all the illegal shit i used to do- something Im very proud of.
Just wanted to offer some insight. I was amused and a little offended- LOL!
Actually a funny story tying into this. Last night I went to our big suburban rich person mall. I was wearing my favorite timberland hoody and fairly baggy jeans (theyre from when I was fat so theyre extra baggy, LOL). I had store employees and undercover shoppers following me everywhere! I was laughin my ass off. All the while thinking- I could buy one of everything in your piece of store! LOL
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was just inspired by some jackass white kid I was walking behind yesterday, moving at the pace of an 92 year old amputee. Kind of like Poo Diddy
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Awwww, yeya, boyeee.
Am I the only person that finds it hilarious when I see some dumb, white, suburban kid wearing FUBU?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-10 10:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh