And the Cradle Will Rock (608 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.11 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drone of Industry <venetianeyelid.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-10 14:43:25 EST
I remember pumpin iron in eighth grade and chugging on that exercise bike, riding the tongues of a high pitched solo that squealed thru my earphones. A scrawny little nerd's ticket to masculinity in those days... at least in my mind. I was "standin on top of the world" back then, but little did I know I was "runnin with the devil". No I "ain't talkin bout love", I'm talkin bout Van Halen!
I think i even started playing guitar BECAUSE of Van Halen. although I do remember getting really stoned with Scott in high school... "Runaround" by Van Halen came on the radio and I alerted him to turn it up. After the song was over, our buzz was totally killed. so I've lost faith in the group since then, and was especially skeptic NOW considering they were being led by Sammy Hagar on a 2004 'Greatest Hits Album' Promotion Tour.
Due to company quirks of corporate industry, I was offered a seat in Suite C 40 of Chicago's over rated United Center to finally see my early adolescent heroes wank up a storm of unadulterated cock rock. Yeh, I guess a box seat with refreshments takes a bit of the edge out of rock n roll, but hey, I want the "best of both worlds". It was time to see if Van Halen was gonna "finish what they started". And although the thought that I had passed up the completely over the fucking top Madonna extravaganza for this concert was really urking me, the box seat was equipped with plenty of Miller High Life, so whatever the outcome of the show, I was gonna make it worth my while.
The opening band was horrible. I dunno, Silver Tide or sumthin. Another one of those 'humma hey' bands as I like to call them. You know the type. Sensitive jock music, as they sing about "tears in their eyes as they fly away so high cause love is nigh and time is slippin a way a' humma' heeeeeyyyy" They actually said, "It's good to be in Illinois: the greatest state in America!" My sphincter can sing better songs than these guys. anyway... moving on.
Van Halen "erupted" on stage and boy, "they really got me". For about thirty seconds I was truly excited I was experiencing my eighth grade idols in full throbbing action. After that 30 seconds though, my ruthless analysis of Van Halen began. VAN HALEN, YOU WILL BE JUDGED!
Considering Eddie Van Halen is the second best guitarest EVER according to mainstream resource Guitar Magazine (the first being Jimi Hendrix, of course) I always thought every note he played would be in absolute perfect key. But he was a hell of a sloppy guitarist, which was a pleasant suprise.
Chubby Sammy was all dressed in red and would cuss every other word when he talked to the audience. "Shit, it's fuckin crazy bein in Chicago n shit! Fuck! I AM in fuckin Chicago aren't I? what the fuck! Damn. Is there a fuckin ballgame tomorrow or what? shit!" Through out the entire show he was putting on different Chicago sports memorabilia to suck up to the audience including a Cubs hat, Cubs jersy, Bulls jersy, Blackhawks jersy... He didn't put on ANY Bears merchandise. The moniters showed a montage of lightning bolts, tunnel vision, fire, scandaly clad women, and lame music videos. Sammy's acoustic song "I want to go so high, where eagles fly" was a definite highlight for me. As they crossfaded between dramatic shots of a heartfelt Sammy Hagar beading sweat from his forehead and stock footage of a mountaintop fly through (from the eagle's perspective).
NO, but seriously, for some reason I was truly intrigued when Eddie Van Halen did his 15 minute solo. I guess I usually don't go to see technically good musicians, especially with a camera displaying their guitar work on a 20 ft tall plasma screen moniter. His 14 yr old son, Wolfgang Van Halen came out and did a guitar duet with him. and a tear came to my eye (no, it didn't). The bass solo was much more amazing and only about 2 minutes long. It was just Michael drinking Jack Daniels, hitting his bass guitar really hard, and getting feedback with the amplifier. ...AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
They showed the "Right Now" video, but I don't remember all of the 9/11 references back in the song's Crystal Pepsi days. ANd Sammy was responsible for a bit of a tone def version of "Dreams" (The song the media used to promote the first invasion of Iraq... I think "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was the anthem for the second invasion)
ANyway, if all in all is all we are then all in all Van Halen wasn't half bad (except for maybe Sammy... poor Sammy). It was weird to see a show in an ampitheatre. Every note was spread over a half second period within the cavernous catacombs of the auditorium. A constant delay was playing hookie with my cerebral cortex due to this. It was a weird setting overall. My 2 big bosses were there and the lovely Elizabeth from Reno was there. My BIG BIG BOSS bought her an 85 dollar Van Halen sweatshirt. He had no chance in hell with her though.
When we had exit the building I was "Dancin in the Street" that it was all over, drunk on 7 Miller Lites. I must admit, Sammy gave me the "Runaround", but "I'll Wait" till David Lee Roth comes back with his no holds bar b que with their reunion tour 20 yrs from now.
User Reviews
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-11-10 16:33:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Just because it's STILL VH motherfucker!!
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Yeah.. Van Hagar.. lmao.
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2004-11-10 18:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who the fuck are you!? Fucking NOOB! Go away and never come back!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-11-10 16:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Just because it's STILL VH motherfucker!!
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i saw them when the dude from extreme was frontin' and thats what he did...FRONT like a bitch!
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 always for 'Halen
"gotta love 80's hair metal...one of the m ost underrated genres of music ever."
Tim, can I touch you?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't care who the band is named for, it ain't Van Halen if Diamond Dave ain't frontin'.
Submitted by Luckylacquer (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for VH, -1 for Miller High Life - which miraculously turned to Miller Lite by the end of your story.
And you got drunk on 7 beers? Pussy.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"drunk on 7 Miller Lites"
I have that with my fucking captain crunch in the morning
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-10 15:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
David Lee Roth, we need you!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-10 14:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiiice. Drunk on 7 Miller Lites?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-10 14:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel you...
i felt the exact opposite when i saw what is left of quiet riot a few months ago...they rocked.
gotta love 80's hair metal...one of the m ost underrated genres of music ever.