A Day in the Life (632 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.67 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2004-11-10 20:49:58 EST
I woke up around about 9. I instinctively roll away from the smell of cum and sweat and landing on my floor, where a small mountain of post-its stick themselves to my body. After stumbling around my room in a hungover daze (with 'example of Plato's disparagement of rhetoricians' stuck to my butt), I collapse into my DVD collection, relegating both Hitchock and MctTiernan to an equal placing on my floor. Psycho takes a foot to the cover. Predator gets squished into a mangled plastic mess. My footing evidently has as little cinematic taste as it does aim. I flick my computer on and fall back on my bed, where I sleep for another three hours.
When I wake up, most of my lectures have been and gone, so I spray some deodorant on in absence of a shower and stumble, zombie-style, towards University. Random homeless people shout at me to buy 'TODAY'S big issue'. I am tempted before I realise that my pockets contains approximately 47p, just enough for a sausage roll at Gregg's the Bakers, near the University. After consuming the aforementioned grease-laden snack, I scare at least four pretentious arty types before stopping at Woolworths to pick up some gummy teeth and lips, because stupidly shaped jellotine snacks are unquestionably hardcore. I piss off the acne-scarred teen behind the counter by paying for my 39p snack with a credit card (causing him allow of ten extra seconds labour. Bastard). As I stumble into telephone wire, rubbish bins and random Goths (who, bizarrely, smile at me and invite me to listen to the latest Tool album), I reach the university.
Some stupid postgraduate bitch is mumbling about feminist rhetoric in Wordsworth's Sonnets. I get bored and focus on her boobs instead. They jump about like leprechauns, so I am entertained for a brief while, before I fall asleep. People around me are taking frantic notes. I scrawl 'Wordsworth... flowers... lecturer has nice DD boobies' before falling asleep in a pool of my own drool. Waking up, the lecture is still droning on, so I highlight the word 'boobies' in fluorescent yellow and surround it with smiley faces. The short-haired feminist next to me lets out an audible sigh of disgust, and, in reply, I let out an audible fart of ambivalence. Eventually, the smell gets to me, and I creep out early, where I eat a tub of Salt and Vinegar Pringles before falling asleep again. I decide to go for a swim, where I piss off all the swimmers by doing breast stroke, very slowly, diagonally across the pool. Some short-haired feminist gets annoyed so I piss in the pool and get out with a visible expression of relief on my face.
It's now getting on for 2pm, so I waddle towards my Scottish History tutorial, where I decree to my class that Edward II was an English twat who probably sought to resolve his suppressed homosexual urges by declaring war against the ultra-manly Scots. Some dumb bitch from Iowa or Iona or some dumb backwards shithole decides that Scottish infighting was a more important factor, so I accuse her of being an incestuous whore and fall asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my MILF tutor asking questions to me about the Declaration of Arbroath in relation to the progression of Western Democracy, so I give a lengthy explanation of why the plot to 'Braveheart' was inherently conflicted on several key issues. I eventually come to the conclusion that Robert the Bruce, whilst a less admirable figurehead, was an inherently superior leader to William Wallace, who was only ever regarded as a superior leader due to his ruthless defensive tactics. Before I have time to fall asleep, the tutor calls time and I wander the 30 yards to my Union, the enthusiastically named 'Queen Margaret Union', where I play pool badly before shouting at the bar staff to play the soundtrack to the Blues Brothers. They refuse, pot the 8 ball, I break the cue in a fit of anger, the staff kick me out. I sit for a while, contemplating Platonic theories on the nature of oratory, before the anti-war protestors outside the union start pestering me to take part in their survey- do you agree that the colossal loss off life and indefinite resources committed to the Iraq war is justified? Well, duh. Three hundred odd signatures tick 'no'. I decide to be an asshole and sign 'yes,', signing myself as Draco Malfoy. That'll teach the bastards. I grab an anti-war balloon and stumble towards home, stopping on the way to hand in a worthless philosophy essay- 2000 words about some dead dude called Kant. Poor bastard must've been teased in school.
I get home and play Call of Duty: United Offensive. Even playing on 'hardened' setting, I feel the friendly and enemy AI lacks, leaving me to take out half the Luftwaffe and a sizeable percentage of the German infantry before I get bored. I blow up several hundred Iraqis in Red Alert 2 before I decide to get some food, cooking my speciality dish of fish fingers and waffles. My flatmates look disapproving as they create some Godawful Quorn and vegetable mess. I get so carried away in argument that my glorious creation turns black and inedible. I throw the fish fingers at the crows
outside my window before I wander into my bedroom, admiring the awesomeness of my Big Lebowski poster before downing half a (large) bottle of Jack Daniels.
I somehow manage to entertain a semi-philosophical debate with Stin, whilst simultaneously listening to the Bloodhound Gang. I thus debate the duality of man (with myself) before falling asleep in a pool of my own piss. I eventually fall asleep, cock in hand, waiting for that invisible perfect woman to massage me into a deeply sexual, deeply sensual sleep. I give up and dream of the perfect woman instead, a woman who listens to the Super Furry Animals, has a rural Scottish accent and looks like a combination between Stin and Michelle Pfeiffer. I fall asleep on my floor, a happy man
User Reviews
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-23 19:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Auto +2 for being DREAMY!*
Submitted by dirtyweedjie (user info) at 2004-11-11 09:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ya daft gowk!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God I feel stupid. The amount of times i'v disparaged similar crimes of idiocy. Ignore this, please!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 20:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Thorpe. I know reposting is a sin, but i've done it nonetheless. Don't judge me on this (awful) pic!
Submitted by thorpe87 (user info) at 2004-11-10 20:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't read the post, but the pic pissed me off.
I can't remember what it looks like, because I could only see little bits of it at a time.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 20:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stupidly massive pic. You can see my dandruff. Fuck it.