A Day in the Life... (1176 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2004-11-10 20:53:53 EST
I woke up around about 9. I instinctively roll away from the smell of cum and sweat and landing on my floor, where a small mountain of post-its stick themselves to my body. After stumbling around my room in a hungover daze (with 'example of Plato's disparagement of rhetoricians' stuck to my butt), I collapse into my DVD collection, relegating both Hitchock and MctTiernan to an equal placing on my floor. Psycho takes a foot to the cover. Predator gets squished into a mangled plastic mess. My footing evidently has as little cinematic taste as it does aim. I flick my computer on and fall back on my bed, where I sleep for another three hours.
When I wake up, most of my lectures have been and gone, so I spray some deodorant on in absence of a shower and stumble, zombie-style, towards University. Random homeless people shout at me to buy 'TODAY'S big issue'. I am tempted before I realise that my pockets contains approximately 47p, just enough for a sausage roll at Gregg's the Bakers, near the University. After consuming the aforementioned grease-laden snack, I scare at least four pretentious arty types before stopping at Woolworths to pick up some gummy teeth and lips, because stupidly shaped jellotine snacks are unquestionably hardcore. I piss off the acne-scarred teen behind the counter by paying for my 39p snack with a credit card (causing him allow of ten extra seconds labour. Bastard). As I stumble into telephone wire, rubbish bins and random Goths (who, bizarrely, smile at me and invite me to listen to the latest Tool album), I reach the university.
Some stupid postgraduate bitch is mumbling about feminist rhetoric in Wordsworth's Sonnets. I get bored and focus on her boobs instead. They jump about like leprechauns, so I am entertained for a brief while, before I fall asleep. People around me are taking frantic notes. I scrawl 'Wordsworth... flowers... lecturer has nice DD boobies' before falling asleep in a pool of my own drool. Waking up, the lecture is still droning on, so I highlight the word 'boobies' in fluorescent yellow and surround it with smiley faces. The short-haired feminist next to me lets out an audible sigh of disgust, and, in reply, I let out an audible fart of ambivalence. Eventually, the smell gets to me, and I creep out early, where I eat a tub of Salt and Vinegar Pringles before falling asleep again. I decide to go for a swim, where I piss off all the swimmers by doing breast stroke, very slowly, diagonally across the pool. Some short-haired feminist gets annoyed so I piss in the pool and get out with a visible expression of relief on my face.
It's now getting on for 2pm, so I waddle towards my Scottish History tutorial, where I decree to my class that Edward II was an English twat who probably sought to resolve his suppressed homosexual urges by declaring war against the ultra-manly Scots. Some dumb bitch from Iowa or Iona or some dumb backwards shithole decides that Scottish infighting was a more important factor, so I accuse her of being an incestuous whore and fall asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my MILF tutor asking questions to me about the Declaration of Arbroath in relation to the progression of Western Democracy, so I give a lengthy explanation of why the plot to 'Braveheart' was inherently conflicted on several key issues. I eventually come to the conclusion that Robert the Bruce, whilst a less admirable figurehead, was an inherently superior leader to William Wallace, who was only ever regarded as a superior leader due to his ruthless defensive tactics. Before I have time to fall asleep, the tutor calls time and I wander the 30 yards to my Union, the enthusiastically named 'Queen Margaret Union', where I play pool badly before shouting at the bar staff to play the soundtrack to the Blues Brothers. They refuse, pot the 8 ball, I break the cue in a fit of anger, the staff kick me out. I sit for a while, contemplating Platonic theories on the nature of oratory, before the anti-war protestors outside the union start pestering me to take part in their survey- do you agree that the colossal loss off life and indefinite resources committed to the Iraq war is justified? Well, duh. Three hundred odd signatures tick 'no'. I decide to be an asshole and sign 'yes,', signing myself as Draco Malfoy. That'll teach the bastards. I grab an anti-war balloon and stumble towards home, stopping on the way to hand in a worthless philosophy essay- 2000 words about some dead dude called Kant. Poor bastard must've been teased in school.
I get home and play Call of Duty: United Offensive. Even playing on 'hardened' setting, I feel the friendly and enemy AI lacks, leaving me to take out half the Luftwaffe and a sizeable percentage of the German infantry before I get bored. I blow up several hundred Iraqis in Red Alert 2 before I decide to get some food, cooking my speciality dish of fish fingers and waffles. My flatmates look disapproving as they create some Godawful Quorn and vegetable mess. I get so carried away in argument that my glorious creation turns black and inedible. I throw the fish fingers at the crows
outside my window before I wander into my bedroom, admiring the awesomeness of my Big Lebowski poster before downing half a (large) bottle of Jack Daniels.
I somehow manage to entertain a semi-philosophical debate with Stin, whilst simultaneously listening to the Bloodhound Gang. I thus debate the duality of man (with myself) before falling asleep in a pool of my own piss. I eventually fall asleep, cock in hand, waiting for that invisible perfect woman to massage me into a deeply sexual, deeply sensual sleep. I give up and dream of the perfect woman instead, a woman who listens to the Super Furry Animals, has a rural Scottish accent and looks like a combination between Stin and Michelle Pfeiffer. I fall asleep on my floor, a happy man.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-21 07:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woke up
Got out of bed
I dragged a comb
across my head...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-21 07:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You haven't got any better at pool!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-23 19:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Auto +2 for being DREAMY!*
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-14 12:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
super furry animals, mogwai, glasgow, waffles
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-13 16:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite frankly, I dont think we got enough of your sort at Culloden.
Heh, ginger twats.
I feel guilty now.
-------------------------
So you should. I'm going to cry into my haggis now.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite frankly, I dont think we got enough of your sort at Culloden.
Heh, ginger twats.
I feel guilty now.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-11 11:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:29:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out. (repeat
---------
Hahahaha, I was wondering if anyone would get the reference.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out. (repeat)
Submitted by Scarlett13 (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because you are not an annoying American
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-11 09:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy, I did- see that cable coming out of the bottom of the gun? It's a playstation light gun. I used to be the master of Time Crisis.
Incidentally, I now have a stonking hangover and my sink is full of vomit. Let the recovery begin!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good old Jack Daniels, a friend to many.
You look like a crazed scotsman in that pic... duh. ;)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 07:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pull the trigger....PULL IT!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-11 07:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man....
I've just woken up (yes, it is the afternoon here) and come back to read this again in a state slightly more conducive to comprehension and it's still great.
My head hurts, need more water. Urgh.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-11 05:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uni rocks.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-11 05:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Tool reference.
Now to read the rest...
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
red alert 2 rules.
oh yeah, and your life sucks.
-Bus
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:09:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
The only Brit I don't -2 automatically. One day, you will be an Ubergod. Not today tho. """
What???
A meisterwerk young michael.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"in reply, I let out an audible fart of ambivalence"
That line was so beautiful that I cried. Good work Mike you strange kilted numptie.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-11-11 02:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I thus debate the duality of man (with myself)"
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-11 02:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe i have 5 years of this to look forward to. Excellent.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-11-11 02:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People should fart in congruence to emotions more often. I feel very passionately about this. Fart if you love life.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only Brit I don't -2 automatically. One day, you will be an Ubergod. Not today tho.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
those were the days... a smelly tee shirt, a pair of gym shorts, 4 alka-seltzer morning reliefs dropped in my mountain dew, and a little black back pack were all i needed to survive a 50 minute 9 am class.
i would arrive at the classroom building (which was up a hill), and realize that i didn't want to go to class. i would turn around, walk back home, and go back to sleep.
+2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A day in the life at school. Them was the days.
P.S. Mike, -2 DIE.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Apologies for the grammar. Direnct all complaints to Mr. Jack Daniels, Lynchburg, Tennesse.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2004-04-28 14:30:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
Go drink some more, idiot
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dad?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*collapses in drunken heap*
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bless you too Stin- anyon else would give this illiterte piece of trash the rating it deserves!
Mike: -2 die, its' for the good of humanity!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-10 21:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you, my son. The Lord is watching over you.
Yes, I'm mildly inebriated.