The Adventures of Tim and Dr. Atkins (1188 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2004-11-10 22:14:21 EST
Alternate Title: "Timmy, stop funneling so much wine... you'll get sick."
Senior year in college, I was a bit on the heavy side. OK, maybe overweight would be what you would call it. That or 'Chronically Obsese." Either way, it was the beginning of January, and I had less than 2 months until that most glorious of college rituals, SPING BREAK.
Five of my closest friends and I were to head to South Beach. Miami. aka The Greatest Place on Earth. (Maybe some other day I'll talk about what makes this true.)
I had some weight to lose.
It was the peak of the carb-cutting-craze, and i needed to lose weight fast. I already watched what I ate, and I already exercised 5 times a week (cardio, plus 4 times a week with weights) but I was still a fat ass. I needed to lose weight with a quickness.
Dr Atkins to the rescue.
I never purchased a book, read the website, or anything. I decided I was going to stop eating carbohydrates. 10 a day. For 2 months. And take Rip Fuel (the kind with the ephedra in it, not the other faggoty pussy kind).
I was going to be a lean, [friendly, not]mean, South-Beach-Supermodel-Fucking machine.
It went well. And by "well," I mean terrible. I stuck to it, I didn't even eat bacon and eggs daily like those other pussies. All I ate was peppers, onions, chicken, lettuce, and turkey. Some cheese sometimes. I dieted like a motherfucker. I was the best dieter ever.
Then the second day rolled around, and I noticed a side effect to Dr Atkins' miracle diet.
You can't poop.
The first 5 days of my diet, I pooped once. And that was a faggoty string-bean sized poop.
Then friday came. I had heard that you're not allowed to drink on the Atkins diet, but fuck that. First things First. If i want to drink, I fucking drink. Atkins diet, driving, nothing was going to hold me back. So i went into the liquor store, and found a bottle or two with nutritional labels on them.
As it turns out, no hard booze (whiskey, vodka, scotch, rum, teq, etc) has carbs in it, and white wine doesn't have carbs in it.
I pick up a bottle of smirnoff green apple, a big ass jug of white wine, and proceed to Molly & Michelle's house, where some sweet pregaming action was going on.
Now let me tell you about michelle's house. Any time i went there, it was usually with my boys wess & elbag with a 30 pack in tow. We then proceeded to all funnel a fuckload of beers, and got on with going wherever we were going.
But now i'm on the atkins diet. Wess, Elbag, & Michelle are all funneling away. I'm drinking my sugar free red bull and vodka, and feeling like a pussy.
"come on Timmy, just do one." Wess taunts.
"Fuck you, I'm on the Atkins Diet."
Lightbulb: I'll funnel wine.
So I funneled wine. And liked it. And I continued to funnel wine, as everyone else was funneling beer. And it was great.
By the time Feb 29 came around, I had lost a total of 35 pounds in about 7 weeks. For an astounding average of (want a calculator?) 5 pounds a week.
The keys to the diet are the following: Dont' eat fat. Don't eat carbs. Drink one handle of Dewars every other week. Alternate with one handle of Vodka. Funnel as much wine as possible.
Tim's recipe for success.
As soon as I came off the diet, and went back to eating normally, I gained back the 35 pounds in 7 weeks.
But i was down to a svelt 260 for spring break, and it was incredible. Even though I was skinny and beautiful, I still had no game, and succeeded in banging zero supermodels from south beach.
life sure can be a cunt.
look at the 260 pound tim in south beach: only one chin.
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thought i'd rated this.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-11-13 02:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when you find the wonder cure let me know. I like food and beer too much. I am 6' 5" and bout 290 so I know what it's like to be lugging some extra baggage and it sucks.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Even though I was skinny and beautiful, I still had no game, and succeeded in banging zero supermodels from south beach."
That blows. I only get some on vacation when I'm fat and just dont give a fuck about women.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm six feet four, and 300 lbs. Fat, yet huge.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd be happy if I were down to 240.
thats my long term goal weight, but in the meantime, i'm still hanging around 280-290.
i'm about to hit the atkins diet again shortly.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
60 LBS to go???? Thats non sense!! What you want him to be a twig? You know its actually healthier to maintain some body fat (especially here in the north, LOL). I would like to lose a lil more myself but if I weighed 200lbs I would not be too happy. i like bein a lil beefy- makes pounding people that much easier.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-11 09:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Usually I give auto -2's for the dorks who camwhore but in your case, since you made a dietary effort, plus, you didn't lie about striking out at Spring Break, I'll cut you some slack.
But you still have about 60lbs to go, son...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the shirt!!
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-11 01:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Props to you tim!! I did the same exact shit for like 5 months and lost 80 lbs. I posted about it somewhere around here. The key to shitting is to eat some spinach or salad. Or get some fiber pills or somethin. I weighed 320- I would walk down the street and people would say god damn that is one fat ass. LOL. Now im a lean, somewhat muscular 240 (6'3")- still big but I like bein big makes stomping people easier! And the best part is now I eat a grip of fat (not many carbs maybe 50 a day averege) and I dont gain shit- I still lift also.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-10 23:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. If you want to find out how you can shit on Atkins, check this out:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42961
Sorry for linkwhoring on your excellent post, but it's actually relevant.
This was an awesome post.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
The reason you gained the weight back is the ephedra, it does shit for you if you want to keep the weight off. Nothing wrong w/ the low carb diet i went on one, lost 20 pounds in three weeks and havent seen any of the weight since, which is 4 months later
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim's my new friend.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-10 22:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go Irish!