The Rollerskate Challenge-- Two 12 Year Old Boys Prove Once And For All Who's The Fruitiest Of Them All (3813 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-11-11 02:52:22 EST
Whenever I'm in the mall, I see all sorts of 12 to 16 year olds with skateboards and roller-blades. These days, the term for these types of people are 'skaters' or 'punk-rockers'. Here they are thinking they've made up this cool new genre. I've got news for you.
I was a skater-boy before these kids were walking.
When I was 12 years old, I lived on an military base with my father. Since all of the military moms and dads want the weekends to themselves, the base had its own skating rink that the parents usually dumped us all off at on Saturday nights. From 7 to 10, I was the skating king. Around this time, half of the kids were adapting to this new thing called "rollerblades".
I could never get the grasp of "rollerblades". "Rollerblades" will never catch on, I thought to myself, it's just some stupid fad that will pass. Roller skates will always be better than "rollerblades", and don't ask me why I keep putting "rollerblades" in quotations.
I was the ultimate skater. I was practically the only one who could skate backwards, forward, sideways, and do the Sideburns patented "leg crissy crossy thingy" when I turn corners. Most of the kids were barely able to stand on their skates while I weaved between them, skating laps.
I took it serious, too. I brought my own towel and stopwatch, trying to improve my times each week. Nobody could touch me. I know what you're thinking-- "Sideburns, you were a fucking fag."
Yes, you're right. I was awesome. Wait, what'd you say?
I'll be the first to admit that at that age, skating was the only athletic thing I was into. My dad tried enrolling me into the youth basketball competition, but I soon learned that I couldn't hang with the other kids when I kept catching the ball with my face.
My dad would come outside and purposely make me stop skating so we could shoot some hoops. I wasn't the most coordinated kid, so when he tossed the ball to me, I'd catch it with my nose everytime. As I lay on the ground cringing in pain, he'd say "You're not supposed to catch it with your face!"
I gained revenge on him when I was 18 and we were lifting weights together.
"Justin, can you pass me the barbell?"
"Sure, catch!"
BAM! Right in the face.
"You're not supposed to catch it with your face, dad!"
Getting back on track--
An hour or two into the skating, the adults would sit us all down on the bleachers and have races. I was in the 11 to 15 age group. Every week was no different-- I'd win all my races and PWN in the finals. The 10 year old kids were afraid of their upcoming birthdays because they knew their days of winning were over. I was so good, that I'd skate backwards while the kid behind me struggled to skate forward. I taunted him all the way to the finish line.
Being the best of at least 100 kids every weekend, I managed quite the fanbase of girls and guys that just wanted to be around me. One night in particular, I was lacing up my skates when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
"What'd I tell you about touching me while I'm strapping up? I'm in the zone, bitch!"
"No, Justin! Look! That guy walking through the door-- That's Josh Smith. He moved here from Texas. I heard he's the best rollerblader in the world."
"Pshhhh. Nothing's better than these babies", I said as I slipped the ankle velcro over my old school roller skates.
I jumped up on my skates, executing a perfect front flip. I started skating the designated direction around the cones just like I do everyweek, gliding through the kids that can't hang with me. A few minutes into my skating routine, someone glided by me. I turned my head and saw that it was the new kid, Josh-- and his rollerblades.
Time to show this kid how we do it. Durrty south style, fo' real.
With Josh were a group of about 10 of his friends who skated in a big group together. I had my faithful friends by my side. I skated up to him and spun to a cool stop.
"Sup, that's what I call my spinny stoppy thingy. What you got?"
"You must be Justin. I've heard alot about you."
"Yeah, I'm the best skater around these here parts."
I highfived my friends. I just said the coolest thing ever.
"Not anymore", Josh blurted out. He high-fived his friends. He just said the coolest thing ever.
"Is that a challenge, skippy?"
"It's on, Justin."
I started spinning around and around, not stopping. Josh did the same. After several minutes, we both came to a synchronized stop. This kid's not bad. Time to bust out the big guns. I hopped up and down on one skate, then speed-skated to the end of the arena and back, coming to a sliding stop on my knees in front of him.
He did the same, only better. Then he challenged me to the ultimate duel. "Death spin?"
"It's the only way to see who's better."
I grabbed his hands and we started twirling around really fast. Eyeing each other. The first person to fall or let go as the pace picked up was the loser.
All of the kids saw this as the ultimate challenge between the two coolest kids in the skating arena.
I'm assuming the adults were wondering who those two faggot kids were holding hands and spinning around.
What seemed like hours passed and neither of us budged, we kept spinning. Then finally, we both came to a stop. There was no winner. The only way to prove who was the better skater was in the races. We were in the same age group, so I had to defend my title.
My age group was called up. I won my first two with ease, anticipating facing Josh in the finals. When it came down to it, there were two left. Me and him.
"Hey, you two boys that like to spin together. Get on the line, you're both in the finals."
Two left. One must win. Who will claim the title of 'skater-boy' for the next week? This race would decide.
"Ready, set, GO!"
Josh, being the first to get on the line, had the advantage with the inside line. So obviously, he took the early lead. He led the first lap, I was right behind him on the second. Shit, one more lap to go and I'm far behind. He was starting to gain a lead on me.
When he rounded the final turn, he lost his balance and landed flat on his back. I saw this as not only an opportunity to win, but the chance to win gracefully while making him look bad. I was going to attempt to jump over him and glide over the finish line. I lifted my skates and flew through the air. I didn't exactly jump over him. Actually, from someone elses' view, it looked like I purposely jumped in the air and came down to squash him with my skates.
"OW! MY ARM! MY ARM! AHHHHHHHHH!"
His screams echoed through the arena. I laid beside him, the wind knocked out of me from the fall. Looking at his arm, it was obvious that I broke it. He screamed in agony as two or three adults ran over to him to check him out. The kids all stayed seated on the bleachers.
"Justin, what the heck did you just do? Why'd you try to kill him?"
I just laid there, looking on in horror at what I'd done. I did what any self-respecting human being would have done.
I got up and skated to the finish line, then celebrated with my routine Safety Dance as everyone stared on in disgust.
They're just jealous because I'm the ultimate skater.
-Sideburns
![rollerskates_sm[1].jpg (32 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/110015954244509884/1/rollerskates_sm[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-22 13:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On vacation and readin all of Burns' catalouge.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-22 13:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-11-19 05:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm assuming the adults were wondering who those two faggot kids were holding hands and spinning around.
----------
Hahahahaha brilliant!
Submitted by neeping (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never forget my pair of Rainbow Bright(R) rollerskates. They ruled overy any pair of blades I've owned.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-11-14 16:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to have the coolest "whale board" skateboard with a picture of Bruce Lee on it. WAAHTAAAAOOOHHHH
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly exceptional
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurry up and post some more sideburns. I only come on ubersite now to read your posts.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-11-14 04:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn good
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-14 03:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
_2 vecause i m talking to your drnk.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I get the feeling you must get more hits from people who google incest and pedophile porn with these titles of yours. You're a mastermind.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, you owned that kid.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-11-12 17:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:10:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Superbowl parties were the best. You'd pick your team and every time that team scored you did a line of coke. My brothers and I would come home so hopped up, it is a wonder our parents kept on letting us go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hehehe.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody could touch me. I know what you're thinking-- "Sideburns, you were a fucking fag."
Yes, you're right. I was awesome. Wait, what'd you say?
***
I love you.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story side burns.
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Enkiel (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
seen much better before from you
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated when people started wearing "rollerblades" to the rink.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fell while skating at a rink. Some skater boy flew by and caught square on the temple with his skate, hard. I got up, walked to a side bench, took off my skates, put on my sneakers, waited for skater boy to come around again, ran out, tackled him and bashed his fucking nose to bloody mush. Got in three got shots before my friends pulled me off. Never went skating again.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome writing. (It was way gay--I think you mentioned this-- but not gay considering your age.)
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-12 00:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God, that was funny.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-11 20:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-11 20:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
definite comment
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-11-11 19:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass story = +1
Living in Texas = +1
Me being good friends with someone named Josh Smith in Texas = paranoia
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-11 17:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:48:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wanna know my favorite line?
"Getting back on track--"
LOL ITZ FUNNY CUZ I GOT OFF TRACK FOR ALIL BIT BUT NOW I GOT BACK ON TRACK AND ITZ SOOO FUNNY LOL!!!1
-----
you got a +2 from me for that comment.
story was ok.
oh, who am i kidding? the story was good.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2004-11-11 17:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn right.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You keep coming up with the goods.
-Davros
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+11 for the Safety Dance
it would have been +1011 if it was the Humpty Dance
hilarious shit...and I'm a hitwhore:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51245
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Fantasy. A Musical. A Place Where Dreams Come Drue.
XANADU!
"XAAAAANADUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuUUUuuuuUUUuuUUU"
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-11-11 13:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious per usual.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Roller skating kicked ass. Superbowl parties were the best. You'd pick your team and every time that team scored you got a coke. My brothers and I would come home so hopped up on sugar it is a wonder our parents kept on letting us go.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2004-11-11 11:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-11-11 11:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-11 11:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that all I can think of is hotpants?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been inspired.
Look for a post from me with a tip of the cap to you.
- RAMJETMAX
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sideburns, you were a fucking fag."
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-11 09:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to roller skate naked
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-11 09:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ice skating's better.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going rollerskating at Sparkles tomorrow now!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck yes
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yummyummu popcorn with sugar and fabreeze.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He got served.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ghey... but in a straight kinda way
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 08:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Remember, you can't roller skate, in a Buffalo herd. You can't roller skate in a Buffalo herd. You can't roller skate in a Byffalo herd.
Submitted by Random_Ho (user info) at 2004-11-11 07:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made me wet.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-11 07:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are truly the master my dear. Truly.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-11 07:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-11-11 06:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Old skool four-wheelers.... feel the white-trashiness.......
Submitted by HardK0re (user info) at 2004-11-11 06:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What up in south kakilaki, homeboy?
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-11 06:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pure gold... with some dimonds mixed in.
so not pure gold really, but somthing better.
Maybe pure gold alloy.
stronger and lighter than gold, better in every way.
Anyways, who didn't have a little gang of rollersketer friends when those things came out.
prayer of the rollerboys was the best movie ever.
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the king of cheesey stories, it's great.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns = Legend
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold as usual
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-11 04:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm assuming the adults were wondering who those two faggot kids were holding hands and spinning around"
Vanilla. Coke. Everywhere.
I really need to learn not to eat or drink while reading these...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wanna know my favorite line?
"Getting back on track--"
LOL ITZ FUNNY CUZ I GOT OFF TRACK FOR ALIL BIT BUT NOW I GOT BACK ON TRACK AND ITZ SOOO FUNNY LOL!!!1
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would quote my favorite line, but there are just too damn many to single one out.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lollerskates you gheywad.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah!
I'm all about the roller skates
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Safety Dance
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm assuming the adults were wondering who those two faggot kids were holding hands and spinning around."
Making me laugh out loud = automatic +2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am fucked.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-11-11 03:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sup, that's what I call my spinny stoppy thingy. What you got?"
Hahahahahahaha. I think I woke up my roomates from laughing. This post is max power.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-11 02:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay.