Adventures in Wizard World (402 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.2 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drone of Industry <venetianeyelid.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-11 12:18:09 EST
I don't know why it seemed like such an adventure, but I really, really, really wanted to get into Wizard World (the Chicago comic book convention) for FREE! It was a mission soon to be tossed to a wayside of underwhelming memories but a mission nonetheless. I was so excited! The night before I was telling everyone all about my plan! ...and though no one seemed amused AT ALL, and though I was sure to prove NOTHING to them, and though you prolly don't GIVE A RIP as I try to entertain you with my experiences...... um... anyway my plan was simple.
Once again I was to abuse my power as a white collar, business casual male. I would condescendingly strut up to the registration booth, announce myself as a company professional: an experienced scout on the look out for bright-eyed, naive, young talent, and outright DEMAND that I be let into the Comic Con free of charge! A little flash of my business card and I'd be in... cleeean sweep. The night before I had furiously concocted a stack of business cards for myself and my Comic Con comrade, Professor Aaron Strong. Together we would break into the Suburbanites headquarters and walk among the Damned.
We got thrown for a bit of a loop at first, making circles that is, being pointed at where to register. I was afraid that the mismatched tie, wrinkled sports coat, and hole in my comrade's dress shoes had given us away. BUT ALAS... we signed 'here', told them where to fax us (the same place the sun doesn't shine), asked em not to put our professional emails on any weird mailing list, and we were in!
Perched in front of the entrance gate to Wizard World with some sort of gargantuated handgun was HELLBOY. A total Kodak moment! Phase 2 of our mission was now underway! I pulled out my disposable camera, told Aaron to read the directions, and then taunted Hellboy to blow my fucking head off. I locked myself into an expression of inexplicable fear as he pressed his gun directly onto my forehead, finger on the trigger, and.... snap... an invigorating photo of absolute adolescent charm is born into this world. Born Saturday August 14, 2004, 1:36 pm, at the Donald E Stephens Convention Center, Rosemont, Illinois.
So we're gonna take as many stupid pictures with dumb characters and second rate stars as we can. We entered full vibrato, singing our praises to Wizard World! Basking in it's air conditioning, with the smell of odorless freon and the stench of moist acne wafting into our synapses. It lifted us with an invigorating high at the get go. We were taking pictures left and right. The Green Lantern hit me on the head with his green lantern, Aaron worshiped some alien guy, a big furry tiger choked me, Aaron looked under the loincloth of some blue Mongoloid brute, I nudged uncomfortably in between the rocket breasts of some rocket breasted girl, i dunno, all sorts o stuff. And in a mid snapshot of being shot in the gut, I was surprised by an unexpected interruption from my first college roommate ever... in a fucking storm trooper outfit!!! David FUCKING Cross!
I hadn't seen this guy in like 5 years or sumthin. I had convinced myself that he was actually some sort of hallucination that I had figmented from my LSD days at the Art Institute. But there he was! ...the cocky mutherfucker! He was sort of this conceited fake hippie in a tie dye Grateful Dead shirt, patch pants from the mall, and a baseball hat. I bulged my chest at him and glared into his eyes my hot pink badge that gloated "PROFESSIONAL." In defense he pulled out his stainless steel business card dispenser. It made a loud POP when he opened it. And he granted me the pleasure of his contact information. digitaldiety.at.technologicaltranscendence.net. yup. Sounds like the same old David. He always thought he was a god. We proved we were worthwhile members of society by talking about our work history a bit, which happens a lot when I see ol college buds. AND I TOTALLY OUT DID HIM! WHAM! He asked how the heck I found a job movin back to my small home town in Kentucky. I told him MY COOL ASS MOVED TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN BIG CITY, BITCH!!! I asked if he had been animating for any companies since graduation. He was currently executing a website for some bank he hooked up through his parents. "WELL I'M ANIMATING THE THIRD DIMENSION FOR THE BIGGEST SLOT MACHINE DISTRIBUTER IN THE WHOLE GODDAMNED USA, YOU FUCKIN 2 BIT HONKY!" I was obviously the dominant male here. He told me to contact him sometime, put on his storm trooper mask of shame, and departed from my presence. ok. that's enough of me dissing my old roomate. Where were we. uuuh... oh yeah.
SO THERE WE WERE!... the constant, dizzying, circulation of merchandise swirled around us, thwarting us into a downward spiral of plain disgust. The simple intrigue of the Comic Con had left me, and I had no money. It became more and more pointless as we continued to walk the grid of tables. I didn't even want to take pictures anymore. The mission had no goal. My comrade and I had been swallowed whole in this gluttonous bloodbath of consumerism. "Who will feed the starving children in Africa?" I wondered. Sure as hell not these guys.
As we made our way towards the back of the convention hall we began to approach the long lines for the superstars of this convention. Hot teen stars from WB's Alias. Big breasted bimbos from playboy sellin pictures of themselves (I guess porn and comic books go hand in hand, one hand to hold the cartoon anime porn and the other hand to... well, you know), and finally, the superhero tv actors of yesteryear. I didn't really know who any of these guys were except for the fat guy from Beetlejuice and Lou Ferrigno, otherwise famed as THE HULK. and when I saw those giant pecks, his leather tan skin, his throbbing, masculine biceps, I knew what my mission was again. TO FUCK LOU FERRIGNO IN THE ASSHOLE! er.. uh.. no, rather to shake the hand of Lou Ferrigno and capture the celestial magic of his touch on film forever. AND ever. So we approached our Greek god with sting in our step, and with a trembling voice I passively muttered, "could I please take a picture of you shaking my friend's hand." ........"You gotta buy some of my merchandise if you want to take my picture," he oafs. With Lou Ferrigno portraits starting at 20 dollars we knew we had been beaten. We walked away in silence straight for the exit door. The one thing that could have blown our wad after such prolonged dry humping, turned us down. My friend commented that the act of paying to shake his hand was the difference between a one night stand and a prostitute. We left nauseated, empty-handed, and completely unsatisfied.
That Monday a few of my coworkers walked into the office bright and chipper. One of them had been at the Comic Con all weekend. He bought a fake light saber for over 200 dollars, an Indiana Jones Kermit collectors doll for god knows how much, dumb Jay and Silent Bob dolls, and a bunch of other expensive junk. "How can something make someone so happy and someone else so revolted?" I asked myself. Another coworker actually had some photos of Lou Ferrigno. One that he had bought for 20 dollars and another blurry polaroid he had taken with Lou and the family in which Lou's face didn't even come out! yup yup yup.
So what did we learn from all this...
Lou Ferrigno is a polaroid vampire.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-11 16:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THis post deserves way better than this.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Really? Thats so..
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-11-11 13:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh lord.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another day in the commercial universe for you!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is how I talk about myself all the time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-11 12:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, what?