I was just purchased by Clear Channel (855 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.73 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <xenon> (View user info) at 2004-11-11 14:44:11 EST
Yep, you read it right. Here's how it went down.
I was sitting on my coach eating the greatest snack food ever created, Hot Fries, when there was a knock at my door. I opened the door to find none other than Lowry Mays standing at my doorstep.
Lowry: Hello, Xenon, I've come to claim what's mine.
Me: Oh really, what's that?
Lowry: You.
Me: What?!
Lowry: I just purchased you lock, stock, and barrel.
Me: What the...?! Who do you think you are that you can just waltz right up here and say you bought me?!
Lowry: I'm Lowry Mays, President, founder, and CEO of Clear Channel Communications.
Me: Clear Channel?! You guys suck!
Lowry: Now, now, no need to get nasty. Let's start this long-term relationship off nicely, shall we?
Me: There is no relationship, asshole!
Lowry: Really? What would it take to MAKE a relationship, Xenon?
Me: Your head on a stick and your first-born.
Lowry: How's 40 mill sound?
Me: ...deal.
So that's what happened. Lowry took me to his mansion in Texas via helicopter. Incidentally, his ranch ended up being New Mexico. Who woulda' thunk it?
Upon arriving at his ranch, I saw sights that my eyes had not viewed before. There were elaborate buildings scattered as far as the eye could see. Each of them had diamond-encrusted, solid gold doors. The roofs were made of strongmen with buckets to catch the rain. There was a strange green waterfall that flowed into a mighty river. A closer look revealed that it was a river flowing with one-hundred dollar bills.
My gawking was interrupted by a sharp pain to my neck. I felt cold metal wrapped around it and instinctively grabbed at the object. I was wearing a collar. Lowry was standing there with an evil grin on his face.
Lowry: Welcome to your new home, Xenon. Here you will live out your days as a servant for me. Your job is to keep on top of all of the local advertising markets in the US. If a new media outlet opens up, you buy it. Your funding is unlimited, and you will have plenty of time to acquire plenty of companies.
So I went to work in a little shack seeking out any and all new media companies throughout the US. Each time I saw one pop up on the little map on my screen, I would simply drag and drop the cash icon onto it until it turned into a big, blue "C".
Now, I sit here, a drained soul. I have wasted my life away in service to a media gargantuan for what? Sure, I got 40 million dollars, but I couldn't use it for anything. I just blew it all on pay-per-view wrestling over the years.
I hope Mr. Mays develops time travel soon.
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The intent of this post was to debase Clear Channel. If you don't know about Clear Channel, go here-->http://www.clearchannelsucks.org/
Clear Channel is currently the largest media conglomerate in the US. Perhaps you've noticed that one day you turn on your radio and the DJs are different, the name is different, and the format is different. All of this happened overnight without warning or explanation. You're mad! It's perfectly understandable. Chances are, it was Clear Channel's doing.
I won't go into detail because the aforementioned website will explain all of the nasty details of this despicable media giant. Fight the power and support your local TV, radio, and advertising companies.
X
User Reviews
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-13 11:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-21 19:24:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess that is why you haven't posted in 10 days or so.
Clear Channel mother fuckers won't let you surf at work.
Those bastards. They are all friends of George W you know.
I miss Stern and Bubba. And NOW XENON...fuckers!!!!
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I don't miss any of those numbskulls, but I still hate Clear Channel.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-21 19:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hear hear!
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-21 19:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess that is why you haven't posted in 10 days or so.
Clear Channel mother fuckers won't let you surf at work.
Those bastards. They are all friends of George W you know.
I miss Stern and Bubba. And NOW XENON...fuckers!!!!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 08:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-11 16:46:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sitting on my coach
?
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ARGH! I even proofread it. Thanks for catching it.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-11 17:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Because Clear Channel does indeed suck balls.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-11 16:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sitting on my coach
?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess it would help if I did it right.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just had to pop in and give a +2 for the best post title of the day.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Harper's did a piece *ON* Clear Channel that was pretty good.
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damn typos...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Harper's did a piece of Clear Channel that was pretty good.
FUCK Clear Channel.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:15:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Look what Clear Channel did to my dog!
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?
Submitted by mykey3 (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
XM RADIO IS THE WAY TO GO!!! The O&A Virus is spreading!!!
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look what Clear Channel did to my dog!
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clear Channel monkeyed with two of our more popular stations, but I still listen to the Fly92.7, oh yeah, corporate radio sucks. Go Fly!
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-11-11 15:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yep
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
corporate media will be the end of our "democracy"
fuck clearchannel
fuck news corp.
fuck viacom
fuck walt disney
fuck aol/time warner
fuck GE
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope my company one day grows so big that people write hate websites about how I'm an uncontrolled monopoly. That would rule.
-Bus
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearchannel tried to hire me about 4 times when I was still part of the working class.
Every time, I would let them buy me dinners and drinks...take me golfing...then say..."No fucking thanks".
Fuck conglomerates. I left Time Warner after 7 years back in '97 because I got sick of that whole culture.
PS. Radio, with the exception of a few college radio stations, sucks caca.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearchannel does indeed suck.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-11 14:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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So that's what happened. Lowry took me to his mansion in Texas via helicopter. Incidentally, his ranch ended up being New Mexico. Who woulda' thunk it?
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Dont bring my state in this mess. Fuck Texans and their trashing our totally kickass state.