The gestatory period of an essay, or, two weeks in the life of... (802 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.71 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Iago (View user info) at 2004-11-12 03:06:52 EST
In order to achieve complete mastery of the form, one must never underestimate the importance of organising one's time properly. Make a chart, if necessary. But most importantly, never, ever leave it to the last minute.
Here follows a template for how you will undoubtedly meet your deadline:
Day One:
You are given the essay, "Discuss Samuel Beckett's play 'Endgame' and its influence on post-war theatre, with particular reference to the works of Pinter, Osborne and Albee." - Due in two weeks.
Spend the rest of the day in the bar.
Day Two
Wake up feeling hung over and lie in bed all day watching daytime TV, eating 'Nice N' Spicy' Nick Nacks and smoking ashtray dog-ends.
Spend all evening in the bar.
Day Three
Arise with a sense of purpose and resolve that you will definitely start work on your essay. Eat a hearty breakfast of toast and Marmite, pack pens, paper etc. and make for campus. Regect friends' suggestion for a 'couple of drinks' and proceed to the library. Grab a handful of books and sit. Stare out of window at happy students frolicking in the sunlight. Sigh. Doodle funny face on paper. Listlessly flick through first book. Doodle your genitals on paper. Begin to feel hard-done-by. Mutter 'fucking Beckett' under breath. Give up, resolving to work later on in your room where there won't be any distractions. Join friends in bar in time for second pint, feeling vaguely virtuous because at least you have checked out the books. Feel slight stabbing of guilt at 9:30 while downing another pint, but determine to start afresh tomorrow.
Spend all evening in the bar.
Day Four
Awake feeling slightly worse for wear. Drink enormous quantities of black coffee. Arrange books on desk and turn computer on. Become distracted by Mark Radcliffe on the radio. Type title of essay. Begin to feel slightly sick and drink pint glass of water. Open first book. Begin to feel really sick. Reason with yourself that your never going to get any work done feeling like this and go back to bed. Sleep for thirteen hours awaking at four in the morning. Turn on the video and watch the whole of Series One of 'Buffy'
Go back to sleep again.
Day Five
Still feeling shaky. Convalesce by drinking tea, eating an entire bar of Dairy Milk, and watching daytime TV in your dressing gown.
Day Six
Feeling better. First slight tremor of panic over essay. Make copious notes from books which, when viewed later are entirely incomprehensible. Jack it in at 10pm and repair to the bar, allowing yourself to a frugal pint.
Day Seven
Just about to start essay when interrupted by Dodgy Martin from next door, who has just scored some 'amaaazing stuff.' Decide to take just one puff to help your creativity. Spend next 6 hours laughing, eating Snickers bars, Wine Gums and singing the theme from Bananaman.
Day Eight
Dodgy Martin round again. Bongs and pipes. Nod wisely when Dodgy Martin opines that 'essays are shit, man'. More theme tunes - this time Scooby Doo, Art Attack and The A Team. Have insight into Beckett at 1.45 am, but fail to write it down and forget it four minutes later. Fall asleep in front of 'Buffy- Series Two'.
Day Nine
Realise that Dodgy Martin is detrimental (nay, fatal) to essay writing, sneak out of room before he wakes up and repair to the library. Struggle for four hours before coming up with the opening sentence of essay - 'The influence of Samuel Beckett on post-war drama cannot be underestimated.' Feeling rather pleased with this, decamp to bar to continue work. Feel rather raffish as you sit in the bar with notes and a pint of lager. Interrupted by friend with news of a 'fantastic party tonight.' Secretly resolve not to go and feel warm glow of self-congratulation. More drinks in bar. Realise your still in your first scentence. Drink more. Words swimming in front of eyes. Go to party. Meet rather attractive art-history student. Repair to his/her bed.
Day Ten
Still in his/her bed
Day Eleven
Still in his/her bed. Knackered.
Day Twelve
Finally leave, your conscience telling you it's to write the essay but really its because you've run out of condoms and pot noodles. Resolve to work like hell, but instead meet friends at bar whom you can't help spilling the beans about your last 3 days of sexual bliss. Retire to own bed at about 1.30am, having entirely forgotten about essay.
Day Thirteen
Awake at four in the morning in icy cold sweat. Leap out of bed and switch on computer. Stare aghast at drug-induced notes which read 'Yoda perspired like Beckett into postmodern Boy George figure of theatre Britain.'
Have vision of self being thrown out. Have vision of self as a tramp living on street dying lonely death. Have panic attack, in which you can't breathe. Calm down slightly and start typing at random - '...indeed, to underestimate the contribution of Beckett would be to close one's eyes to all the innovations in theatre, from Shakespeare to Andrew Lloyd Webber.' Do four pages and then lie down. Awake at 2pm and re-read essay. Realise it doesn't make any sense at all. Rip it up. Go down the bar and drown your sorrows.
Day Fourteen
Awake at 10am. Four and a half hours until the essay must be handed in. Cry, panic, chainsmoke. Try to read five books in four hours. Re-type abandoned essay opening and continue typing randomly. Garnish with meaningless quotations culled from irrelevant books. Essay still only five pages long. Reformat, with triple-spacing and ENOUMOUS typeface. Twelve pages. Fantastic. Run to tutorial and arrive five minutes late and hand in essay.
Receive another essay title, 'N.F. Simpson's oeuvre -the end to a cultural phenomenon or the beginning of one? Discuss.' Hand in in two weeks.
Spend the rest of the day in the bar...
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WINNER! http://www.ubersite.com/m/84913
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-02 23:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dammit, this makes me feel like having a few beers
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-28 05:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lying sack of shit stealing material bastard.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-11-13 17:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TO quote cutieprincess8234, "OMG LOL"
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-13 16:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling well. That being said, I tend to be most eloquent when drunk, so I suppose I have good reason to be in the Student Union for days at a time. That's what I tell the lecturers, anyway.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, basically ... what? Me in a couple of years?
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers, RyuFu. Much appreciated. What do you mean by my references? Anything you want to know about England feel free to ask, as I practically own this island anyway. Or put give me Msn address and ill message you. And my name here in Uber isn't my real name. It's a pretentious reference to an awesome Machiavellian Shakespearian character in the play Othello. Its 'i-a-g-o'.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Fucking, fucking, fucking GREAT!
2. I just graduated in May, so I'm not gonna pretend that college is so long ago, but:
2a. Being a CompSci major, I did most of my essay-writing in the first two years in my hyper-liberal arts Honors Program. So I guess it really has been a while.
3. My best friend and I would wait until the night before to start our papers and race each other. Even though I'm the faster typer and a pretty damn good writer (if I may) he was a REALLY damn good writer and more prolific. And we would take long, frequent breaks of Unreal Tournament.
4. You're British, right? I couldn't make out a bunch of your references, but as I plan on going there one day, I'd like to know some stuff.
5. Is your name Iago as in "ee-yah-go" or lago as in "Lah-go"? Okay, I'm done.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-12 09:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ARGH! FLASHBACK!
How come everything is automatically funnier if an English person says/writes it? Not fair.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-12 06:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't know, but funny.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-12 05:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh so true.
It also applies to free lab projects.
You get the bright idea to go and play in the radioactivity lab at 3am, but you can't get in because the nice technician has locked to prevent drunken students eating Uranium samples. Next thing you know, it's 9am and the head of faculty has just stood on your hand where you passed out at his office door.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny because it's true.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well put.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-12 03:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dear sir, look at the world, and look----AT MY TROUSERS
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2004-11-12 03:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop living my life.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-11-12 03:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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