I Hate Rob (1093 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 2 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Banga3386 <tanzia682.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-12 04:18:57 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51307
I did almost the exact same thing with my friend Rob's bbq sauce, the same sauce that he said he used to try to kill his wife.
Rob has a wonderful talent for making horrible things into wonderful ideas, hence my growing love for whiskey. Because of this redneck bastard and his "don't be a pussy" speeches, I can and now do enjoy drinking it straight. I prefer whiskey over beer even. This may have caused Rob who is 27 to look 42, and why at 18 I didn't get carded at bars.
One particular evening he and a friend, Scott, and I were drinking at his apartment having a merry old time. I was on my last beer before the talent of driving a straight line was lost on me. We had worked in a restaurant together earlier for about 9 hours then hit the beer and whiskey, putting away a case and the better part of a 1/5th. I had kept up with Rob admirably and Scott was on his way to bed when Rob brought out a demon of a concoction he called his "secret recipe." "Try some of this you puffs." He said shoving it in my face. I sniffed it and it smelled good, I knew Rob was a great cook so I thought what the hell.
They dipped a piece of bread into the jar meanwhile I stuck my finger in, only producing a booger sized droplet of the goo on the tip of my finger. With a hearty "down the hatch pussies" we all ate our portions of the malevolent creation.
I put it on my tongue, waited a moment and said "hey that's pretty good," which it was. At that moment in time it had been the most delicious booger of bbq sauce I had ever tasted. Sadly when I spoke, all that came out was, "hey that's pretty goooaaaaahhhhdd! Dear fuck Christ ahhhh!" before grabbing my beer in desperation and inhaling its contents at a speed that The Fox would admire. After one huge swallow I breathed in, which was a horrible foul to do. I should have just kept drinking booze until I passed out from lack of oxygen. When the air moved over the growing burn area known as my mouth it only hurt worse. I started to hyperventilate because breathing in was fine but breathing out hurt like hell from the warmth of my own body. I snatched Rob's beer and downed that too, only temporary comfort, so I drank Scott's beer as well. Same result: more pain. I went to the fridge and downed what little milk he had. While I was trying to stay alive Rob poured us 3 shots of whiskey. "Here, this'll help" down it went, "didn't work asshole!" then back to the beer.
This was the worst pain I've ever felt in my mouth. I've had all kinds of dental surgery and this was worse than any of that as well as the time I accidentally filled my mouth with scalding hot French vanilla coffee after which I had to sleep with a cold pack in my mouth because try as you might, you can't sleep and drink ice water at the same time.
I tore into the loaf of bread trying to get the pain to stop. By this time I've figured out that if I breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose, it hurts less. What I didn't count on was due to my hyperventilation; the sauce had then moved through my throat into my sinuses and was now burning my nose, just as bad as my mouth.
Between gut busting laughs, Rob poured me another shot and lit me a cigarette. "Here the menthol should cool it off." Guess where this one goes children. I took a huge hit off of the stick and once again screamed at Rob. I saw the shot on the table and took it because the fire in my chest took my mind off my nasal passages of brimstone. I yelled out "How many habaneras did you put in this shit?" Scott replied, "All of them." Just before passing out in the hallway.
FINALLY the pain started to subside. Rob still hadn't done the shot he poured for himself, neither had Scott. I grabbed one and said, "Drink up bitch." Slam went the shot, thud went my fist into Rob's chest, BBBBRRRAAAAAAPPP went Rob after he shot his. Feeling "better" I started walking towards the balcony to smoke a cigarette outside. I know I got at least to the sliding glass door because Rob tells me that the crack in the glass was from my head on the way down.
Sure enough I had made it there because I do remember opening the door from the floor and booting all over his 3rd story balcony lying on my chest. I also remember miraculously rising from the floor to the couch and having a dream about throwing up, twice. The funny thing about dreams is that they have a way of mimicking reality. It's a lesson you learn when you wake up in a LARGE pool of your own vomit.
I Hate Rob
User Reviews
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-06-04 20:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in college, some asshole sprayed mace on my Altoids when I was at a party. It took me 7 24 oz. beers in the space of 5 minutes to knock the heat down. I was very very drunk.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-11-12 08:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful, fuckin BEAUTIFUL!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-12 05:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boned.
Submitted by ckoewing (user info) at 2004-11-12 04:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, oh you poor bastard.... so what happened to his wife?