Daddy put down those handcuffs! (2132 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2004-11-12 10:26:27 EST
When I was a smiling, optimistic child of 10, my father worked for the US Marshals. Yes, those US Marshals. Tommy Lee Jones chasing down Harrison Ford, or Tommy Lee Jones chasing down Wesley Snipes... what contract in blood did Tommy Lee sign to be the Hollywood face for the United Marshal Service? Now every time a movie is made you can see the casting director at his desk, 'hmmm, I need a grizzled no-nonsense authority figure...'
Anyway, my father could have played those roles equally well. Authoritative conservative idealist that he was I had life's lessons told to me rather than taught, such lectures included:
1) Why Drugs are Bad
'Mike, I don't know how to tell you this... but if I ever if smell marijuana on you... I will throw you in jail myself.'
'Hahaha, sure Dad.'
This response immediately provoked him to grab me by the scruff of my neck, toss me in the back of the car, drive 45 minutes to the Suffolk County detention Center were my Uncle worked, take mug shots of me, finger print me, and throw me (a 13 year old skinny boy with a frock of brown hair and cute dimples) in a cell with three rather large men. Three rather large men who proceeded to scream obscenities at me for an hour while I huddled in the corner of the cell crying.
The result: I never touched a drug while I was in high school... and since a number of my friends smoked, the first thing I'd do when I got home was run into the bathroom and throw my clothes in the laundry... I did this for four years.
(I later found out [When I left for college] the three men were all police officers)
2) Why Crime is Bad
'Mike, I swear, should you ever get arrested, don't even bother calling here for bail. You are going to sit in jail for at least a night.'
'Thanks Dad, love you too... but mom will get me.'
Three days later I was walking along our town's pier with two friends of mine when not one, or two, but four cop cars complete with a canine unit pulled up and surrounded us, hopping out of their cars, guns drawn. 'GET DOWN.' They screamed and three fourteen year olds have never complied so fast in their lives. We hit the ground and they swarmed us. Grabbing me, they tossed me against a squad car as the patted me down and slapped cuffs on my wrists. They read me my rights, while never telling me what I was being arrested for and hauled me off to our local town jail. I sat in the holding cell with a drunk for an hour before they allowed me my phone call. My father picked up on the first ring.
'Dad, some cops jumped me and I'm at the station.'
'Sucks to be you.'
-click-
...Yes, he let me spend the night sleeping sitting up on a hard wooden bench next to a drunk that had defecated on himself.
3) Why Sex could be Bad
I'm sitting on the couch in the basement and my father comes down and towers over me. I can tell he wants to talk about something, as he rarely ventured down there. Rolling his hands around he looks at me, away form me, at me, away from me... this continues for almost a minute.
'Can I help you dad?'
He clears his throat, 'So help me, if you have get some girl pregnant I will kill you.'
With that he turned around and started walking up the stairs, as he neared the landing he called over his shoulder, 'And if you are going to do it, use protection.'
...
I was nineteen and had been dating the same girl for three years.
4) Why not to talk back to my mother
When I was ten, my vocabulary was well developed. At the point where I had called some stupid girl in my kindergarten class who had stolen my crayon a 'stupid bitch.' She cried and I was sent to the principal's office.
As such, one day, after a particularly trying day at the playground, my mother told me to take the trash out, and I obstinately told her to, and I quote, 'Fuck off.' She didn't even slap me, she just starred at me and told me to sit in my room with the lights off and wait for my father to get home.
Anxiously I awaited his wrath.
When his car pulled in at around nine at night, I watched him confer with my mother in the driveway and then watched as she drove off. He entered the house fiddled for a couple of minutes, and then every light in the house went out. Clock lights, night lights, the ones in the hall... the house was plunged into darkness.
As he tromped up the stairs my tiny heart was fluttering. As he entered the room, a darker silhouette against my white walls, I could almost hear his teeth gnashing. 'So you think you can be fresh with your mother? If you ever open your mouth again to her, don't even bother running away... I will hunt you down and kill you. It's my job to track fugitive scum. Don't believe me? Give it a try... I'll give you a minute head start.'
I sat like a scared rabbit.
'RUN!'
And I bolted. Down the stairs, the front door was locked, so was the back. Trapped in the pitch-black house I felt my way around with my feet and hands, blind, knocking over things all over the place. Finally, I settled for hiding inside the fireplace. Trembling, I heard my father's casual footsteps coming down the stairs. He turned away form me at first, glancing into the living room... but turned back and stared at me.
How do I know he was staring me? He was wearing a pair of night vision goggles. The eerie green glow illuminated the smile on his face as he marched directly at me. Grabbing me by my arm he spun me around and proceeded to hog-tie me on the hard wood floor.
That complete he stood and went downstairs, tripping the breakers and restoring power to the house. Returning, he sat on a chair across from me and starred, his chin resting in his hands. 'Mike, remember this moment. Every time you think about doing something stupid... remember what it feels like to be completely vulnerable.'
He prodded me with his foot.
'Cause you're cute... and if you land in jail they will rape you so fast you won't know what happened... but you won't be able to sit for a week.'
I could only tremble helplessly on the floor.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-02 05:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey
Submitted by Fenchurch (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2004-11-25 01:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I don't have your family.
Submitted by Johannafulls (user info) at 2004-11-25 01:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That excited me in the pants.
no not really.
Submitted by Ex_Lux_Astrum (user info) at 2004-11-14 03:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I beleive in a good shot to the head when needed, but your dad sounds like he's a power-tripping bully, and a tad sadistic. Nothing a baseball bat to the kneecap wouldn't cure.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2004-11-13 19:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your dad is awesome.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-13 18:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-13 11:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It occurs to me if your dads that kind of guy is there some risk of him tracing your internet connection somehow and seeing this post then tracking you down and killing you.
Sounds like the perfect father to me, my dad is like a ninja, he did like pretty much every martial art under the sun at some stage of his life; He can cause so much pain with pressure points and stuff. Mum gave me all the love, and Dad kept me in line.
I know he loves me deep down, but I learnt not to fuck with him early on.
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-11-13 10:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2004-11-13 10:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rock
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-13 10:08:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats what i call a loving father
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-13 09:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad once called me "Silly" when i burnt his house down as a dare so i could buy more crack.
I hate him and it scarred me.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-12 20:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad.ass.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be glad you had a father who cared.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear!
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-11-12 18:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad kicks ass. How do you feel about what he did now?
----------------------------------------------------------
I turned out stellar
Submitted by houchimama (user info) at 2004-11-12 17:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NVG's kick ass, that was great stuff!
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Dad is my hero and should be the Poster Dad for all fathers across the US.
LGF
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
geez!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I watched him confer with my mother in the driveway and then watched as she drove off.
Did anyone hear... DUN DUN DUN at this point?
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad kicks ass. How do you feel about what he did now?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:32:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I see our fathers went to the same school of parenting.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha....I think I would really like your dad.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. But do it from a safe distance.
Like, a continent or two.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for your dad.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see our fathers went to the same school of parenting.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest posts you've ever written.
Hilarious stuff.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad kicks ass.
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kinda...scary. but awesome.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad is cool.
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
any comment i could make would only degrade from the rest of the page
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Mom driving off
is the funniest part.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:45:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your father sounds absolutely terrifying. But in a good way. I say that because I'm afraid that if I don't, he'll burst in here and kick my ass.
----------------------------------------------
I should clarify, he's actually a sweet heart, like a big teddy bear, it's not like I was abused. Yeah, I was spanked a couple times... but more often... he knew he was a hulking beast with 30+ years of training on how to kill... the indimidation factor was enough...
I didn't realize my father would come across so well, I have dozens of stories, maybe I'll tell some... the quesiton is do I let him see them?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, good stuff. My dad owns a flat roofing company.
Yeah, it sucks.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I should of mentioned he also volunteered for Vietnam was he was 17 by lying about his age and served two tours in the midst of it.
I think one of the most shocking days of my life was when he told me if Bush reinstituted the Draft eh would pay for me to go to Canada.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have tears in my eyes right now from laughing so hard.
Really.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your father sounds absolutely terrifying. But in a good way. I say that because I'm afraid that if I don't, he'll burst in here and kick my ass.
Oh, the fear.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:36:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really don't think I have every laughed harder at a post in my life. This was fantastic. Reminds me so much of my Dad. Try having a Dad with these creds:
Major in National Guard
Sharpshooter
Former night policeman
Former night sherrif's deputy
Trained to KILL!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dude, his dad is a motha fuckin US marshall....
doing things against the rules in that house is like.... drinking, waving a gun, and smoking pot if your dad is an ATF agent
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got locked in the basement because I ate all of the cookies.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad is badass.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad scares me.
And where the fuck did he get night-vision goggles?!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure fucking gold
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really don't think I have every laughed harder at a post in my life. This was fantastic. Reminds me so much of my Dad. Try having a Dad with these creds:
Major in National Guard
Sharpshooter
Former night policeman
Former night sherrif's deputy
Trained to KILL!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your dad is the reason people hate cops.
Submitted by GK (user info) at 2004-11-12 10:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff