Ubercon L.A.: What The Fuck Was I Thinking? (1376 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.9 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-11-12 11:00:05 EST
It took one day. One day for me to book my flight to hang with my buddies
Tinactin and comicbookguy for a day out in the sunny warm concrete fields of
Los Angeles. We had been talking about doing this for close to 3 years but
CBG was too busy setting up terrorists attacks on small cottages for his
gods with funny names. I wanted everyone to come to Ohio so I could show
them this bar with two floors: one drag queens and one metalheads but
Tinactin has legal issues that prevent him from leaving the state. I'm
guessing it was parking tickets or his inability to be sober beyond 7:00
a.m.
On the flight out to L.A. yesterday I watched Shrek 2 without headphones and
laughed my ass off at that donkey. Where do they get this shit? I got some
piece of shit chicken salad and threw it at the movie screen to ruin the
trip for everyone. God I love conflict.
I got off the plane and scanned for Tinactin's description of a man wearing
a green jacket smoking a cigar, blatantly disregarding their no smoking
policy. When I first laid eyes on him I knew that this was gonna be good
times until he totally kills it by asking if I want to talk politics at a
strip bar.
"You must be GLALL!! How the fuck are ya?"
"Jesus Tinactin you're like 55 years old"
"It's the cigars. I'm in my twenties. The gray hair, well, genetics is a
bitch that's all I gotta say"
"Don't blame everything on genetics like you always do. You know that's a
cop-out."
"I need solace in something. Please, let it go."
"We'll get back to it. Where is that bastard CBG?"
No longer than a second after I utter those words does that cow-patty eating
bastard walk through the doors. CBG got the ability to give himself
slow-motion entrances once he hit 100,000 hits so I was literally in awe of
his production.
I wasn't impressed for long as it only lasted five seconds and he actually
had this chicken walk thing going on I didn't notice in slo-mo.
"Hey doochebags! So good to see you! Taking your medicine GLALL while you
were jumping out of helicopters? Tinactin, Jesus Christ man. You're like
60."
"At least I'm not some moose riding Canadian BITCH who wouldn't carry a gun
or smoke a fine Cuban to save his life!"
I couldn't let this cat-fight continue. "Fellas, easy now. Let's pull back
on those fine Clydesdale horses we ride and be civil here okay? Tinactin
put away the fucking gun man."
"We are in my town so we do as I say! I... I want to see some titties so
let's go to a strip club. Everyone will have fun!! Fun all the time
because Tinactin is awesome and I can throw events as well and be
successful! Ah, ha ha ha!
God I LOVED this guy.
We show up to some total skankfest and the boys are ready to rock the joint.
I got up on stage like four times and pushed this dancer for reminding
Tinactin of his ex-girlfriend and making him cry. CBG had that stupid-ass
Canadian money that looks like it should be used for Monopoly so he was
getting all the attention. I was pissed because apparently you can't put
cigarettes out on the strippers foreheads when your fucking out of arms
reach of an ash tray. Tinactin started on this conversation about how one
of the dancers reminded him of one of the Bush twins, then he totally went
off about how awesome Nader and Koffi Annan kick ass. I stared into his
soul and beckoned him to look back at the vagina on display. All was
forgotten.
1,700 dollars later we exited the club with semi-chubs and maybe a little
pre-cum on my part from the 12 lap dances I had. We were outside the bar
licking the chicks on the matinees one after another until our party was
interrupted by these guys who kept bitching about some nothing propaganda.
Believing in something or other...
"Hello you stupid ingrates. We are Nihilists, and we want to possibly talk
to you about joining us."
Tinactin: That sound great! Just let me reach down here in my boot to get
this damn pebble out....GUN!!!
"Shoot us you faggot. We have absolutely no effect on anything. All of our
history vill be erased and nothingness will reign supreme."
CBG: I'm going back into the strip bar.
"You leave because you can't handle the..."
Tinactin had quite enough and shot one of the guys in the shin. Blood
gushed all over my new snakeskin sandles and I was unbelievably pissed off
at them for ruining my game.
"YAAGH You satan fuck! I will stab at you with a car antennae until I
eventually stab you in the mouth and cause you to choke on your teeth!"
Me: Tinactin I gotta rock! Should I throw it at them or eat it?
Tinactin: That's not a rock, all you did was wad your shirt into a ball.
Me: Will it hurt them?
Tinactin: Possibly kill them on impact. Give it a shot.
With that I threw my wadded up tye-dye shirt and hit the leader in the face.
He exploded on impact, the force from the blow knocking his assailants
into buildings and surely crushing their bones.
Me: Kickass.
CBG: Guys get in here! This chick just totally tried to make out with me!
I...I'm so amazing!
Turns out CBG got a blowjob from the chick but was confused as to why she
was kissing his penis as opposed to his face. It's that fucking Monopoly
money I tell ya.
We did some crazy shit after that. I dared CBG to drink a bottle of
Everclear and wear a skirt while Tinactin convinced me eventually to buy a
porn shop two blocks up the street. It was a cool 2 grand and I had to go
to Wal-Mart and buy the guy some granola bars. While we drunkenly stood
inside my new establishment I came up with a stupid ass idea.
Me: Hey! Guh, GGG, let's try to put one of your posts into action! Think
your theories on picking chicks up at bus stops will work? Stop the little
dots that are trying to smother me.
CBG: Motherfucker those are kid-tested, mother approved. Let's do it.
Tinactin: Hey! We could try one of mine! Let's find some crippled chicks
and totally get some ass!
Me: If we have time man. Right now let's go hit the bus stop!
I'm not sure how long we were out there but I'll be damned if we could only
hit on old black ladies or crack heads. This one guy named Bob was pretty
nice so I'm gonna give him a call when I get back but man, late night chick
hunting is rough.
We fell asleep at the bus stop and awoke to a mariachi band playing some
Journey. God, thank you for Steve Perry and the heaven that is that band.
I had to be at work today so I called for my private helicopter to land in
the street right below the Hollywood sign.
Tinactin: Well, there's only one way to finish this whole deal? Ready
fellas?
CBG: This is going to rock! I'm glad we thought of this to kind of cap off
the whole event.
Me: Yeah so, you each owe me 50 bucks to ride in this thing.
...
The thing isn't going to pay for fuel itself people you know this.
We boarded the craft and I looked at my buddies. Man we fucked up some
Nihilist and saw some tits and, hey, never will I rip on Canadians or maple
leafs again without thinking about CBG and his insatiable appetite for sex
or Tinactin's love of anything having to do with artillery. I won't ever
want to do this again, but hey, maybe I might throw some small talk at you
on AIM once in a while alright?
As we stood side by side, we smiled and slowly unzipped our pants and pulled
out our members. We laughed as we urinated all over Hollywood and
everything that it represents. We were the kings of urination even if only
for a short while, and that my friends is something you can never take away
from us.
User Reviews
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-12-13 22:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Lame
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I shamefully love Journey and because that is how I picture Tinactin, too. Which is why I love him.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-14 18:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exploding Nihilists AND CHicken Salad! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-12 20:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good.
So, is this true, or what?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-12 19:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got some piece of shit chicken salad and threw it at the movie screen to ruin the
trip for everyone. God I love conflict.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-12 16:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got some piece of shit chicken salad and threw it at the movie screen to ruin the
trip for everyone. God I love conflict.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is sweet. All 3 you guys did were sweet, and munkey jumping in gave me the push to go ahead and do one as well. These 3 authors are among my favorites on the site... Always quality stuff.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51342>
Tinactin <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51343>
GLALL <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51341>
Munkeypants <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51365>
Stabkill <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51373>
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm Group Sex/Postings.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
niiice
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the huge matinees!
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny stuff as usual...
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG had that stupid-ass
Canadian money that looks like it should be used for Monopoly so he was
getting all the attention. I was pissed because apparently you can't put
cigarettes out on the strippers foreheads when your fucking out of arms
reach of an ash tray.
-------------------------------------------
gold. solid gold.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This one is totally how it went down, I'd bet.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to postwhore the one I did several months ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30916
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best collaboration EVAR.
Genius!
Thought provoking.
The stress on my bladder is unbearable!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate is such a strong word. Unfortunately, this is how I feel about the lot of you. Soon this feeling of hate will be replaced by a strong feeling of ambivalence. Then I'll eat Chinese food. Mmmmmm. Moo Goo Guy Pan.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All three of them kicked ass!! Funny shit guys.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...
you fuckers are pr etty fucking fucktacular.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are fucking hysterical.
"I got some piece of shit chicken salad and threw it at the movie screen to ruin the
trip for everyone. God I love conflict."
I don't know why, but this made me crack up.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:25:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
which one is the real story???
I'm confused...
AHHHHHH.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
which one is the real story???
I'm confused...
AHHHHHH.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:05:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Journey!
----------------------------
fuck yeah
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The REAL story
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51342
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm almost ashamed to link mine now.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51343
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe...awesome...
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing, way to put us to shame
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA...Yours is about 10 times better than mine.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Journey!