Ubercon LA: Comicbookguy tags my girlfriend and GLALL knows the guy from the Karate Kid (1512 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2004-11-12 11:01:37 EST
Woo! That was the best Ubercon ever. Like, in the history of Ubercons, this was the one Ubercon to rule them all. My god man, throw a blanket over my balls. They're still shivering after all of that anonymous sex. The testicles feel like they do whenever I'm near a strong electric current.
See, while many of you were off gallivanting in NYC, we had our own little Ubercon here in good old All-American Los Angeles. I was feeling a bit depressed about being unable to attend the other event, as I am unable to leave the state due to legal concerns.
During a recent conversation, Comicbookguy picked up on the distress in my voice. He's a pretty sensitive guy, so he knew to ask me what was wrong. After a few minutes of prodding and pleading, I broke down and told him.
"What? Too bad. I can probably fly out there this weekend if you want to go get drunk. I am pretty sure the family plane is not being used for jihad this week. I think I can fly down, but I'll have to check. GodLovesaLittleLovin will have to come along. He's the only person I know who knows how to land."
"Should we invite anyone else?"
"No."
Well, that seemed slightly definitive, so I chose not to press the issue.
After a bit of careful preparation, it appeared Ubercon: LA was well on its way.
We met up at a local bar, as I had not yet made a final decision on whether or not I would let them know where I lived. I arrived early, secured a decent table, and waited.
Then they strolled through the door. I had never even seen a picture of either of them, but their attire made them both instantly recognizable. CBG pimped what must be the only Milt Palacio Toronto Raptors jersey in existence (I wonder who's jersey Milt's wearing), and GLALL had on a WWI style aviation scarf with "I <heart> Monkeys" engraved in British calligraphy.
After formal introductions were over, we sat back and ordered some drinks. CBG and I both ordered beers, but GLALL asked the waitress to bring him a Zima.
"What the hell," I said to him, "tell me I heard incorrectly. Surely you can come up with a better choice."
"As you'll notice, I have a wonderful complexion. My face belongs to this stuff."
I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. Until CBG clued me in.
"He thinks it's Noxzema."
GLALL grinned. I decided not to press the issue, especially with the drinks arriving. But I certainly wasn't ready for his next surprise.
"Ok, so why are your teeth all red?"
"I keep Jujubees around each of my caps for protection from viscosity and thermal breakdown."
Hmm. Fascinating.
I turned back to CBG only to find him up and picking up on a few ladies. He brought them over to our table, and I introduced myself to one of them.
"Hi, I'm Tinactin."
"Like the foot fungus?"
"No. You are referring to athlete's foot. Tinactin is actually a medicinal spray designed to fight that disease. But I'm not that either. I'm Tinactin, you know, from Ubersite?"
She looked confused. Chalk it up to stupidity, I suppose. CBG walked the one he had his eye on over to the bar. An awkward silence ensued. GLALL quickly put a stop to it.
"Magenta anus."
"Excuse me?"
I had to think fast.
"Sorry, he's from out of town. His comment is in regards to the beauty of the setting sun, which bears a color much like bruised rectum."
They didn't buy it. So a few psssht sounds later, they were gone. A minute brought CBG back to our table. I asked him what happened.
"What happened?"
"It was all going well until I mentioned being Canadian."
"So? What's wrong with Canada?"
"Haha. I never thought you would be so funny in person."
"Incredibly random comment", GLALL interjected.
We hung out a while longer in the bar, but I can't really remember what any of us said. The liquor was starting to get to me.
But I do recall what happened once we got outside. Nihilists tend to have a sobering effect. How do I know they were Nihilists? Simple. I attempted to figure out what they wanted a couple of times, and I only received "we believe in nothing" as a response, which I have to say is very annoying. CBG seemed to know them, though.
"You guys know that believing in nothing is bullshit, right? You don't have any beliefs, but something is motivating you to follow me around."
He said something else, but I was a bit distracted by one of the Nihilists. He was punching me in the face. I was too stunned to do anything about it. And quite frankly, it didn't hurt much. He threw his blows without much conviction. Nevertheless, it was bothersome. Good thing Ralph Macchio arrived to save the day.
Apparently GLALL had some sort of special whistle that only Ralph could hear, and while under normal circumstances I might have mocked him, in this case it certainly came in handy.
I watched as a group of the Nihilists formed a circle around him. Just when I thought Ralph was most certainly done for, his defensive instincts kicked in, and he went into his whooping crane position. All of us were completely paralyzed, mesmerized by the hypnotic power of a leg raised at least a foot and a half vertically. The Nihilists were unable to move as Ralph hopped along from one to another, kicking each of his victims in the chest.
He glanced toward GLALL and said, "I'll leave one for you". And like that, he was gone.
GLALL turned his attention to the remaining Nihilist. With a shaky hand, the man pulled up his chain, revealing a giant cross.
"Back! Stay back," he commanded.
GLALL laughed. "You have to have faith, Mr. Nihilist."
Then he proceeded to devour his soul. Who would have ever thought a soul would be so blue?
Now that we were free and clear of those pesky Nihilists, CBG was free to suggest the idea that had been lingering on the forefront of his mind.
"Do you know any good strip clubs?"
I'm pretty sure we went, although everything seems like a haze now. I think we met somebody famous there. Or maybe we didn't. I have an extremely vague recollection of the events that took place, except to say that I'm pretty sure at some point CBG said "oooahooh hooohooodilly hoooo". Probably during a lap dance.
Anyway after a fashion we ran out of money, so we bailed. We were on our way to a someplace else (I can't remember where), when CBG caught a glimpse of a few ladies at a bus stop.
"Hey, pull over right here. Trust me, I know how to work this situation."
So I drove us right alongside them. I said hello.
"Hey Ladies", GBC greeted.
GLALL chimed in with, "Tally, hoes."
"Huh Guhs, Whuh Annuh uh Stuphunuh."
Obviously retards. Son of a bitch.
CBG didn't seem to mind.
"Where are you headed? Can we give you a lift?"
"Wuh, Shuah."
GLALL suddenly felt like cockblocking.
"You chicks know he's Canadian?"
"Cunuhduhuh?
But CBG was prepared this time.
"Guess who's got your favorite processed fish burger?"
"Duh sumbuduh suh McDunuhs?"
"You're God damn right, bitches."
"Exscuzz muh? Bitchuhs?"
"I mean, here are your sandwiches. Dig in, mami."
Once stuffed with fast food, they followed our very whim. Normally I wouldn't have banged a retard, but what can I say? They were Asian.
After a long and fulfilling evening we finally crashed at my house, and they took off the next day. They left a big mess, but it was all worth it.
I'm kind of concerned that CBG might have dropped the hammer on my crippled girlfriend. Normally I would never accuse a friend of betrayal without some type of evidence, but I have noticed that ever since the day they left, she smells like kebabs.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:09:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Incredibly random comment", GLALL interjected.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-16 02:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure sweetness
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-15 04:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um... What the fuck?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better late than never. +2! Cuz it rocks...
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-12 23:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yurrrrrr.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51342>
Tinactin <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51343>
GLALL <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51341>
Munkeypants <http://www.ubersite.com/m/51365>
Stabkill http://www.ubersite.com/m/51373
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the climax. Nice.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tally, hoes.
I can't wait to use that.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Magenta anus."
"Excuse me?"
I had to think fast.
"Sorry, he's from out of town. His comment is in regards to the beauty of the setting sun, which bears a color much like bruised rectum."
---------------------------------------
BWAHHAAAHHAAAAAHHA
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe this story the most.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to postwhore the one I did several months ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30916
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All three of these were kick fucking ass.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this has me laughing in many places.... magneta anus... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These three posts rule all over the place.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate is such a strong word. Unfortunately, this is how I feel about the lot of you. Soon this feeling of hate will be replaced by a strong feeling of ambivalence. Then I'll eat Chinese food. Mmmmmm. Moo Goo Guy Pan.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well...part 1 out of 3 was awesome.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vuh gud storuh!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best. story. evar.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Special thanks to GLALL and Comicbookguy, without whom this would not be possible.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The REAL story
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51342
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Incredibly random comment", GLALL interjected.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then he proceeded to devour his soul. Who would have ever thought a soul would be so blue?
----------------------------------
I don't remember eating anyone's soul! I must have been trashed!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I keep Jujubees around each of my caps for protection from viscosity and thermal breakdown."
---------------------
damn you and your greatness Tinactin.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the best Ubercon evar!!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51341