I Beat Up A Homeless Guy and All I Got Was An iPod (1467 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.89 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2004-11-12 11:17:48 EST
This past weekend, I decided to get away from the cold, depressing monotony of New Hampshire and make the two hour drive to the great city of Boston to visit some friends and imbibe until I could no longer pronounce my name.
But that is neither here nor there...
Or is it?
Who the hell says "neither here nor there" anyways?
If it's not here and it's not there, then where the fuck is it? Huh? Huh?
That's what I thought. It's up your ass, that's where it is, you sick fuck.
Anyway, I finally reach my destination (Boston, for all of you who weren't paying attention before) and the drinking commences.
Good times are had by all. Liquor, beer, rubbing alcohol, Pepto Bismol, maple syrup - we're drinking anything and everything that might remotely fuck us up.
It was just about this time that we decide it's a good idea to go bar hopping, apparently the thing to do in Boston. So as my BAC is rising faster than a NAMBLA member's hopes during pre-school recess, we depart and head out into the night.
We stop at some Chinese restaurant/bar and order a few "fag drinks" - the ones with little fluorescent colored umbrellas sticking out of them. Don't ask, it wasn't my choice...
Our visit ended quite abruptly after I threatened to shove the sharp end of my mini pink umbrella in our waiter's eye if he didn't pronounce the letter "R" correctly for the 20th time. Oh well, the place sucked anyways.
We were "escorted" out of the Chinese restaurant and back into the night we went.
While on our way to the next bar on the list, we happened upon a sad, grimy old man sitting on a street corner. He was obviously homeless, the poor guy. In my drunken haze my emotions momentarily took control and I was overcome with sympathy.
I reached into my wallet and was just about to give the guy five bucks, until I saw the little white wires sticking out of the homeless guy's grimy, smelly jacket.
I thought that perhaps I was hallucinating, or that I was suffering from alcohol poisoning...but no - my friends confirmed the presence of the white wires.
Indeed, this "homeless guy" was sitting on a street corner in Boston begging for money...WHILE LISTENING TO HIS iPOD.
"Holy sweet mother of Christ. This fucking homeless dude has a fucking iPod!"
"No way man, he's homeless, and iPod's are mad expensive."
"Dude, look. I can see it. He's got those stupid white earphones that hurt your ears..."
"HOLY SHIT - HE DOES HAVE AN iPOD!"
"Let's fuck him up, the homeless faker!"
A word of advice to all the homeless out there - don't go begging for money while you're listening to your $400 iPod - you'll get punched in the face by drunken college students and wake up in a dark alley covered in urine and feces.
User Reviews
Submitted by Karsh (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, did you end up with the Ipod?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-12 22:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno, this was just missing that little *thing* that makes a kicker of ass. The content was there, but... i dont know.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-12 22:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Medium.
That's right...LOUUUUUUUUUUUU's....Love Lou's.
I used to spend lots of time in that bookstore, too.
And head on up to Lebanon once in a while for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 21:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy, the way the basketball team did last year, they could use an old coach. Hopefully this season won't be as disappointing or demoralizing as the last.
As for the diner, I actually stopped in today and had a lovely breakfast. It's called Lou's. I'm from Jersey and it's one of the best diner's I've been to outside the Garden State.
I'll work on that sweatshirt for ya.
Espo
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-12 21:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
An added tidbit of info to note...George Blaney, former hoops coach at Dartmouth and Holy Cross, lived across the street at I believe, 8 Carter Street (or 10).
He gave me my first lacrosse stick.
No hood...
What the name of the diner on Main Street? I drove from NY to Hanover one last time about 6 years ago before I migrated down south...and of course, stopped in for lunch.
I do miss that area...so small...homespun...peaceful.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 21:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally I got close to it and realized that it wasn't an Octopus but rather
a Midget with 8 stubby legs.
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Possibly the most random sentence I've ever read.
+2 for randomness
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 21:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And buy me a new Dartmouth sweatshirt- white with green lettering- from Campions.
---------------
I'll get right on that Schlongy. Would you like a hoodie or a regular sweatshirt?
Also, I'll head over to 5 Carter and ask if anyone has heard of "Schlongy" - now that would be an Uberstory if I've ever heard one...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-12 20:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait...I just saw...You a Dartmouth boy?
Right nest to the school...next to the Co-op...check out 5 Carter Street.
My late grandmas house. Where I lived when I was first borned.
And buy me a new Dartmouth sweatshirt- white with green lettering- from Campions.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-12 20:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where in New Hampshire?
I was born in Hanover. Folks are both UNH-ers.
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-11-12 15:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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well then you should come to a "holy shit, lets get wasted at dans house...without a firepit Con".
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sounds good to me.
espo.at.dartmouth.edu
let me know what's up.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, I know...Ubercon Boston, where the fuck was I...
My transportation situation was great at the time (aka I had no car), but all that has changed now and I'm ready for the next Ubercon Boston or Ubercon Bubmblefuck, VT.
Donitsu - I'm in Hanover.
Espo
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well then you should come to a "holy shit, lets get wasted at dans house...without a firepit Con".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-12 14:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's wasn't a homeless bum! That was Jebus. And he said you are in BIG BIG trouble!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a dream last night that I was chasing an Octopus that would fly from
one national monument to another and leave a clue as to its next
destination.
Finally I got close to it and realized that it wasn't an Octopus but rather
a Midget with 8 stubby legs.
Then I was arrested by the FBI for missing work.
I don't know why I needed to share that.
This post rocks!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:31:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in NH? And you didn't fucking come to Ubercon "Boston" which was in Hooksett? You bitch.
where do you live? Donkeyonedge, ToxicNarcotic, creepfirebombing, HLB, and I all live in the manchester area.
And munkeypants and nicole are in boston.
-------------------
I know, I know...Ubercon Boston, where the fuck was I...
My transportation situation was great at the time (aka I had no car), but all that has changed now and I'm ready for the next Ubercon Boston or Ubercon Bubmblefuck, VT.
Donitsu - I'm in Hanover.
Espo
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-11-12 13:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sombody probably gave that iPOD to him earlier that day in a huge burst of generosity and he was just listening to it until he could pawn it next day.
- If that were true, this story would be even funnier.
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You know, the same thought crossed my mind - but the temptation to beat up a homeless guy took over and I just punched him in the face.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sombody probably gave that iPOD to him earlier that day in a huge burst of generosity and he was just listening to it until he could pawn it next day.
- If that were true, this story would be even funnier.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
most tramps are fakers.
Submitted by cheesedick (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
would have scraped a 1 except that i have seen that picture a million times.... oh fuck it.. OK then +1.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy sucks.. even more than the kids who beg with their tiny shivering puppy (replaced monthly) and their freshly pierced quivering lip.
This is a whole world of anger for me.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"A word of advice to all the homeless out there - don't go begging for money while you're listening to your $400 iPod - you'll get punched in the face by drunken college students and wake up in a dark alley covered in urine and feces."
So that's why they always look disheveled and stink...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-11-12 12:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How would he put music on his iPod? Oh, right...his notebook or PDA.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want an ipod.
Submitted by FleetEnemaBadas (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just glad you didn't steal my Ipod... fuckin drunk college students.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah man people think I'm homeless all the time just cause I'm scruffy... I'm staying out of your way asshole!
:)
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it was some guy just trying to enjoy listening to his I-pod and not a homeless guy.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweeeeet
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in NH? And you didn't fucking come to Ubercon "Boston" which was in Hooksett? You bitch.
where do you live? Donkeyonedge, ToxicNarcotic, creepfirebombing, HLB, and I all live in the manchester area.
And munkeypants and nicole are in boston.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.
Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
of ya.
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-12 11:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.