Story Hour: Embrace the Trauma (800 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.71 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-14 10:17:20 EST
I'm used to thinking of myself as a very open minded person. I'm not easily shocked or offended. My sense of humour tends toward the dark, and my taste in books toward the blood spattered and psychotic.
Tonight, though, I was shocked - and damned near offended - by a children's book.
My seven year old son brings home reading books. My job is to sit there and listen to him read them. It's always a nice little snippet of the day. My heart almost burst with pride the first time he finished a book, looked at me, and said "That was pointless. Can we go and read Roald Dahl now?" (Maybe it's just me, but a seven year old who can make the observation on his own that "This writer doesn't like kids much, does he?" might be a little beyond "This is Jimmy. Jimmy can jump.")
The book that set me off tonight, and started me threatening to write letters to his teacher, was called "My Mouse." Spread out over thirteen pages of pictures is this endearing little story:
"I've got a mouse.
Oh! It's not in the box. It's not there.
I've lost my mouse.
It's not on the chair, or on the floor, or in the drawer. It's not in the house.
It's not in the garden, or on the path, or on the lawn.
I've lost my mouse.
Oh! Look at that. It's a black cat, and it's very fat.
I've lost my mouse! It's in the cat!"
I was speechless. This was a traumatic event in the childhood of anybody! This kind of thing could scar a child for life!
(I just remembered that I had a baby rabbit when I was little. My cat got into the cage and oh dear god the screaming I can still hear my Mr Snuggles screaming Mummy WHY make it stop oh please my little rabbit...)
(Well, that explains my reaction to the book.)
Anyway, back to the road before we turned off into Memory Lane. My mother was over for dinner tonight and was listening to Seth read. When he finished that book, I looked at her and said, stunned, "I can't believe that! That is so inappropriate!"
She didn't seem at all fazed. "It's realistic. Cats eat mice. Deal with it." My son didn't seem bothered, either - he thought it was funny - but it just seemed wrong to me. And I was never one to be deterred from the path of righteousness just because nobody agrees with me. Never let it be said that I failed to defend my children just because they didn't need defending.
I have decided that if children's books need realism, I'll give them some. Here is another book he read tonight:
""Mum! Dad! Come for a swim!" the children called.
"Coming!" said Dad, and he ran into the water.
"Coming!" said Mum, and she put on her suntan oil.
"Come on, Mum!" they called.
"Coming!" said Mum, and she lay on the towel.
Dad and the children were waiting. They called to Mum, "Why don't you come in for a swim?"
"I am coming," said Mum, and she shut her eyes.
Dad got a bucket. He filled it with water.
He tipped the water over Mum. Mum yelled.
Mum ran after Dad. "You wait!" she yelled. "I'll get you!"
Dad ran into the water. Mum ran after him.
Mum and Dad splashed each other.
They fell over and laughed and laughed.
Then Mum and Dad and the children had a swim."
Does that seem realistic to you? No, me either. So we'll add some realism, right? I mean, we need to carry on the "slaughtering of little kids' pets" standard of reality. We need some trauma in this motherfucker.
""Mum! Dad! Come for a swim!" the children called.
"Coming!" said Dad, and he ran into the water.
"Coming!" said Mum, and she put on her suntan oil.
"Come on, Mum!" they called.
"Coming!" said Mum, and she lay on the towel.
Dad and the children were waiting. They called to Mum, "Why don't you come in for a swim?"
"I am coming," said Mum, and she shut her eyes.
Mum is a junkie. The heroin makes her sleepy.
Dad doesn't like the heroin. He calls Mum a "Smacked out whore."
Because of the Family Court, if Dad leaves Mum, she will keep the children.
Dad picks up Mum and carries her into the water.
He holds her under until she stops kicking.
He tells the police that she drowned. He tells the children to keep quiet or they will drown like Mum.
Soon the children have a new Mum and you better believe she goes swimming when Dad tells her to.
They all live in a trailer together.
I can't wait for tomorrow night's reading.
User Reviews
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-17 22:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah, nice.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to believe the cat didn't chew down on its prey, but rather killed the mouse slowly over the course of a few hours via its digestive juices.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-15 08:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You evil woman you... that is correct, I hope I don't I hate that day...
Everything is as it should be, quiet... wich leaves me plenty of time to read you're stuff
keep on writing, please
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-15 07:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kopesh! Holy shit, how are you? Everything going well? And thank you for the compliment...
Hope you're having a good Sinterklaas (is that how it's spelt?) far away from home.
Far, far away.
Miles and miles away from your friends and that pretty woman of yours...
Sorry. Heheh. That was my bad.
I hope you're well, sweetheart.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-15 05:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you're work circe, greets from Bosnia...
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-15 03:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-15 02:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-14 23:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh, I have a dead fish story.
We were on a vacation for two weeks, and sometime during that time, the tank thermometer got all screwed up. This thermometer was connected to a heater (which was set to go on when the tank temperature went below some set limit). By the time we got home, there was what ammounted to rotting fish stew in the tank. OH MY GAWD IT SMELLED AWFUL. Suprisingly, one of the fish survived the Great Boiling, and it probably told stories about it to the new fish that we got to replace the stew.
We could publish this story as well, you know.
As a scratch-and-sniff book.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-14 23:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehehehe.
My son is in a reading program at school, and ends up reading books that are above the "level" many kids are at in his age group. I say this not only to be one of "those mothers" who thinks their kid is the smartest shit in the world, but to let you know that this is how my child learned the word nigger. Yes, he was in the car with my mom, who was embarassed after cussing at someone who pulled out in front of her (damn idiot was her choice of words) when my golden boy says "that's ok Grandma, some people would have called him a nigger." ?!?!?! Oh what a long night that was.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-14 23:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go for it. I'd send my kid to your class.
Mainly because ofter having me as a parent, there would be nothing that you could do to frighten/traumatize it further.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-14 23:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lady Plural - HA!
Just wait until next time I'm parent helper. I'm going to bring in an entire food chain, of which the grand finale will be the lion eating an antelope and then becoming lion steaks for lunch.
I'm going to be such a great teacher.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-14 23:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - Your childhood seems as replete with small dead mammals as mine.
And you wonder why I adore you the way I do.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-14 22:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-14 16:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your swimming story, but the mouse story made me laugh.
If you want a really good kids' story, I'll tell you the one
about the cat I had when I was a kid. The one that got trapped
in the crawlspace somehow when my dad was on a business trip
to Columbus and I was staying at my mother's, and froze to death.
Thawing cats smell kinda funky, come March. They leave interesting
stains on the wallboard, too. Rest in peace, Beige kitty (never
let your stepmother name your cats).
Thanks for that memory!
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-14 12:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-14 12:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*flashing back*
"Mommie wake up!" I said this as I shook her violently. I was crying.
"Mommie! Why won't you answer me!?" I pulled myself up onto the bed and felt a tiny prick in my forearm... I swatted the funny-looking plastic thing away...
"Mommy...why won't you answer me!?"
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-14 12:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were wrong, by the way. Your post was so completely better than mine that I shall linkwhore it again. http://www.ubersite.com/m/36936
No, she's not paying me to do this. Well, not much, anyway.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-14 11:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is almost as good as "Horton Hires A Whore". You didn't have your book jacket at the end, which detracted somewhat from the overall experience. In other news, if you haven't already complained about the book/teacher, politely suggest to the teacher that a really excellent activity for the class to do would be to write their own books and illustrate them. Get your son to turn in either HHAW (in anatomically correct detail, of course) or your swimming story. Before you do this, make sure that you will pass any and every scrutinization by the Australian equivalent of Child Protective Services.
Or you could suggest that the children in the class should each pick a book that they read and do a little presentation about it. Show up to 'help' with your son's presentation with a cat and a mouse (or a video of a cat and a mouse re-enacting the little story, because that way the images will be bigger).
Or you could just shoot the teacher and blame it on the book. That's what we do in America, anyways. It mostly works.
Submitted by phredde2 (user info) at 2004-11-14 11:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um, I thought Mom was, uh, doing something else on the towel while repeating that phrase...
Most recent so-called kid-oriented crap that irked me was HBO's cartoon "The Sissy Duck", ostensibly a modern retelling of the Andersen classic, but it's about a gay duck, voiced by Harvey Fierstein, with a Sharon Stone narration. The story was replete with stereotypes, including the drunken, disappointed father duck (complete with wifebeater tee), jock older brother with wedgie delivering jock friends and verbally abusive coach, and softie enabling Mom who teaches the sissyduck girlie home econ things and buys him dolls, while telling him it's okay to be different.
The flock leaves the sissyduck behind when they fly south for the winter, and he is expected to die of exposure ... but he redeems himself by nursing his sick now-sober Daddy duck back to health over the long cold season, and his homemaking skills earn him the undying respect of the flock upon their vernal return.
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am more offended that someone makes money off a 13 pages of bullshit than anything, Who wrote the book?....Madonna?..............J
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Naturally, Stin... big pastel coloured drawings, bright and happy, of Mum lying on the floor next to a rusted spoon in a pool of her own vomit.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. I have to pack tonight and tomorrow, but i didn't realise how much stuff i actually have....
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you could have a career here.
Would the books have appropriate illustrations?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your superlative posts are exceeded only by the inventive quality of your endless insults, fuckface.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-14 10:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Embrace the shit.