Dear New York....Fuck You. Love, Tim (871 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2004-11-14 13:27:00 EST
Note: The following is a rantish series of anecdotes from my weekend in New Jersey and New York. Its pretty long, and moderately entertaining. If you don't want to read it, don't. if you do, please review it, because I like getting reviews. Begin rant:
The following things can eat the smegma from under my foreskin:
New York City
New York City cab drivers
New Jersey.
That is all.
Why? you ask...
Well, the story starts here:
I found out a month ago that my company is moving the Syracuse office (where I am now) down to New Jersey to merge with that office, so all of the engineers can be together. Which sucks. I just get all settled into Syracuse, make some decent friends, get to know the area, and now I have to move. Which is in general pretty spectacular...everyone wants to be in America's Armpit, aka "the dirty Jerz" as all the [insert derogitory eye-talian slang here] motherfuckers call the worst state.
So I leave for Jersey Friday right after work. They even let me leave early! Sweet! So I'm utilizing all the utility of my sport utility vehicle, thankful for the safety and security of full time all wheel drive as I push my bald ass Firestones to the limit through the cold rain, and eventually freezing rain.
*Note: At rest stops in PA, they sell fireworks. At the rest stop I stopped at in PA, they had a sale - 75% off all fireworks. Sweet.
So I drive to the first apartment I was scheduled to look at -- some girl and some guy living together in a small town in Jersey. I find my way there, (Mapquest comes through again in the clutch) and give the girl a call to let her know i was there.
I make my way up stairs that are barely wide enough for the 110 pound Puertorriquena in front of me to fit up, never mine my widebody frame or a couch. I turn sideways and make it up. I see a tiny ass living room, the size of most people's bathrooms, a bathroom and a ktichen about the same size, with 2 small bedrooms attach. And when I say small, I mean incredibly fucking tiny -- a fullsize bed would not have fit.
But since I'm a good person, I thank Marguerita for her time, and tell her I'll let her know tomorrow after I check out my other places. I make it out of there, and would have burnt rubber leaving the street. (We all know I didn't, thanks to the safety and security of full time all wheel drive.)
I get to my hotel friday night around 9:30, take a shower, and decide to go looking for some food. There is a cool looking mexican place across the street from my hotel called Jose Tejas. I figure what the hell - I havn't had enough of the latin culture for one night, so I head over there.
I order a Dos Equis and a shot of 1800, and ask for a menu.
In retrospect, I figure I could have asked the bartender to hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat 74 times and shove an electric mixer up my ass, but instead I ordered the blackened catfish with jambalya on the side. It was delicious and spicy, but I woke up 5 times during the night to take fiery shits and wipe with the cardboardesque hotel toilet paper.
So that sucked.
I woke up the next day to continue my aparment search. Thanks to roommates.com, I was connected with another guy in some city in Jersey. Thanks to Mapquest again, which this time turned out to be completely wrong, I end up doing concentric circles around the city.
I can't find where I'm supposed to be. So I violate the guy code, and begin to ask for directions. Let me first say that the city I'm driving in, Paterson, NJ, is ALL black and hispanic. I don't have a problem with that, I can connect with the urban culture just fine. The first 3 people I ask dont' know where it is, the next 3 people I ask don't speak english, and pretend not to speak spanish after I wow them with my knowledge of the language.
Finally, I see an older, well dressed black man, and ask him. He proceeds to give me excellent, detailed directions. I follow them to the proverbial t, and end up in the hardest ghetto I have seen in a while. 95% of the windows are boarded up, there are thuggish looking young black males standing in groups, looking at the out-of-place white boy crusin in their 'hood.
So it turns out the old black guy was just fucking with me. Good joke, really...very funny.
So I bust a Uey across a sidewalk, almost mowing down some ghetto children playing hopscotch, and continue with my aimless wandering. Next, yo pregunto a poor, smelly older spanish dude where 5th ave is (in spanish). You may wonder how do I know that he smells? Well, i ask him how to get there, and he responds, "thats where i'm going, can I get a ride?"
Sure, what the fuck. Hop in you smelly asshole, as long as I get where i'm trying to go, i'll give you a lift. Knowing that I would destroy him if he tried any trickery, he hops in, and shows me to where I'm trying to go.
I get to my next potential home, and this white, dreadlocked, wanna-be rastafarian guy comes out and shows me upstairs. It turns out all of my predjuces and preconceived notions about this guy were true. He was a huge stoner, a vegetarian hippie, and a musician. His crib is a 5000 square foot loft above a factory, and its not heated. He needs a roommate to make some money back after he spent all of his on a lawyer and bail after getting arrested on drug charges.
He was a good guy, but thats not exactly the kind of lifestyle i'm after. So I respectfully decline to live with him, and move on to my next place.
The next place was 3 sweet guys, in a sweet house, in a nice neighborhood. Being the first normal people I ran into, I jumped on the opportunity like Grandpa Simpson onto a grenade in the Hellfish episode.
So now, I'm going to drive into NYC to meet a friend for a late lunch / early dinner.
Do you know how much it costs to drive over a bridge into NY? 6 dollars. What the fuck is up with that? I should have swam across the Hudson, it would have been more economical. Sure, I would have come out with leprocy, but what the fuck - i'd have saved 6 dollars.
So I turn onto what I assume is the West Side Highway, and turn the mp3 changer to JayZ's Bonnie and Clyde, for the sole purpose of listening to the line, "Young, B, cruisin down the west side high, way." That was cool.
But theres traffic lights on the west side highway? What kind of fucked up city puts traffic lights on a highway? New York fucking blows.
After making 3 U turns to get where I needed to be (Houston st, pronounced 'howstun,' whats the deal with that?) I finally turn into the maze that is the trangle-blocked, one-way streeted, pea-coat wearing faggot infested clusterfuck that is the NYU area.
I pull the world's greatest parallel parking job ever, with less than 4 inches of light on either end of my car, and go to dinner with my friend. (more funny shit happened along the way, but its not that good, and this is getting long, so i'll skip it) I get back in my car, and expertly navigate my way back to the west side highwya.
At this point, my road rage is kicking into 6th gear. I came within one centimeter of being put into the wall by a cab driver, who I didn't let in, since momentarily before I didn't let him in. Why? Fuck him..thats why.
Apparently after 5:00, cars in NY do not go above 10 mph - since thats the speeed that everyone was doing on the west side. It takes me an hour to get to the GWB again, and I'm all "FUCK YOU FAGGOT CUNT LICKER BITCH MOTHERFUCKER"ing everyone, trying to get across the two lanes I need to get across.
I cannot explain how terrible everybody who was driving in NY is. Fuck those fuckers.
On a good note, once I got into PA on rt 80, there was no traffic, and me and this porche cayanne were cruising side by side at 100 mph for about 25 miles side by side. When we finally reach the point where we head in separate directions, we both give each other the guy nod, as if to say, 'nice driving' and head on our way.
Fuck New York City, Fuck New York City cab drivers, Fuck New Jersey.
That is all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Da_Blonde_Cajun (user info) at 2004-12-07 13:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious story! I live down here in big ole Texas, and no, the drive is no better. I live in a suburban city turned big city--Spring (right outside of Houston), and lemme tell ya'...these assholes down here almost get my foot in their ass daily. Geez, road rage, thy name is Charley (my name).
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-02 15:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
NYC hate post! woot!
this has been done before, me thinks.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-12-02 15:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't get a two becuase you didn't stay with the hippie. imagine all the free weed.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, that sucks. I try to stay as far away from that general area as I can (read: Florida)
Anyone who's gone shopping for room-mates can appreciate these hi-jinks.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no. it was definately not me...and i need to find out who is using my patented name. thats just gross.
the only place i have MyNameIsTim is here, on some roommate websites, and on www.eroticstories.com
really
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um... so I was perusing bash.org, and I found this:
---
#418770 +(-304)- [X]
MynameisTim <Joins>
MynameisTim: Oh my fucking god, I was just whacking off and I have these crazy lumps on my coozer I think they are warts, anyway I'm sitting there ALMOST at climax when BOOM! one pops and coats my face with pus
MynameisTim: so what are you guys up to?
---
Please god tell me that wasn't you...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-15 19:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well ranted.
Submitted by UrfTheWog (user info) at 2004-11-14 17:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Why don't you move to CT instead...oh wait...there's no fucking good paying jobs in CT and all the insurance companies have become "Little India" because they layed off all the skilled American workers to hire cheap foreign labor!!! Welcome to the North-Fucking-East. Now I know why you moved - you have very little choices for a good paying job. Good luck and be prepared to smoke and drink like there's no tomorrow. Happy Happy Joy Joy.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-14 16:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
because i have just gotten used to sryacuse..and moving sucks
new jersey eats smegma.
Submitted by Lazarus (user info) at 2004-11-14 16:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How could you complain about leaving the shithole that is Syracuse, NY?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-14 16:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dear youaresogay:
i did not say i appreciate paterson's culture, i said i appreciate the urban culture. big difference.
other than that, i agree with you that paterson is a crack infested shithole. i havn't been to the other fine cities you mentioned, but i take your word for the fact that they are crack infested shitholes also.
new jersey sucks, in my humble opinion, because of a number of reasons: a) there's too many people...too many cars...too many houses packed in too close together. b) there are too many cities like paterson. one is too many
but from what i saw of western jersey driving on rt 80, the rest of it may very well be nice.
i just like to assume.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-14 14:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Problem with New Jersey? Go fuck yourself.
The fact that you can drive through Paterson and say that you appreciate its "culture" just because black and hispanic people live there proves that you are an idiot.
It is a crack-infested shit-hole that besmirches my state's name. 99.99% of New Jersey is nothing like Newark, East Orange, Paterson, Camden, and a few other towns.
Submitted by R.P.McMurphy (user info) at 2004-11-14 14:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
firefly.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-14 14:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kickbumadge.
Submitted by Don_Megga (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" So I turn onto what I assume is the West Side Highway, and turn the mp3 changer to JayZ's Bonnie and Clyde, for the sole purpose of listening to the line, "Young, B, cruisin down the west side high, way." That was cool. "
That made me laugh, literally, out loud.
Cool story, Hansel. If I could post about the shitty assfuck NH drivers I interact with on a day-to-day basis, my keyboard would explode...or just the keys required to spell the swear words. I'm sure if I had to deal with all the shit you did while driving, I would most likely be arrested for vehicular homicide for driving on the sidewalk and running over old people.
</sarcasim>
Also, why not live with a vegitarian hippie who is probably a shitty musician? Who doesnt like hearing stoned assholes try to play Stairway to Heaven at 3am on a Tuesday. You are missin out on some good times, bro.
</end>
But yeah, interesting story. I had a real swell time reading it.
Also, I fucking hate mapquest. It always gets me lost, or tells me to take roads that dont exsist. Fuck you, MapQuest. :(
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a sucker for anything containing the phrase pea-coat wearing faggot infested clusterfuck.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm so glad I live in a small city. Rush hour is a lineup of maybe 5 cars at most.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-11-14 13:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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