Multi-Tasking Will Be The End Of Me (2113 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2004-11-15 00:21:36 EST
About three weeks ago, my roommate had a family issue that required him to withdraw from my University. This meant that I had a double room as a single. It was awesome, I could walk around naked, enjoy my bestiality porn without fear of anyone walking in, etc.
I mean, I had a quiet place to study, and reflect on my life.
This all changed until 2 weeks ago. UMass would not have me living in a double single. So, they moved someone into the vacant bed. His name is Toby, and he is fat. More than 350 pounds. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but he is messy-fat. Like, I'm-going-to-eat-a-gallon-of-ice-cream-on-your-bed-and-spill-it-everywhere-and-not-tell-you fat.
The only thing this kid does is eat, and play final fantasy on his laptop and Sega genesis games on his desktop. That's right, he owns two computers. He never sleeps. Ever. I have never seen this kid in his bed, except when he's eating and watching movies on his computer. He orders food every night too. This is how the conversations usually go:
Toby: Uh, hi, is this Wings?
Wings: Yes it is.
T: Can I get the U-Boat Special? (35 chicken wings)
W: Sure, that'll be 10.99.
T: And how many people does that feed, on average?
W: Around 7.
T: Thanks.
He will sit there, at 2:30 in the morning, and eat all 35 wings while playing final fantasy on his computer. Mainly, the only thing that annoys me is that he'll sit there playing it for 7 hours at a time, and the only thing that happens is he rapidly hits the spacebar. About 50 or so times, very loudly. This can get annoying when you're trying to sleep, study, or do ANYTHING. Thank god for headphones.
His mom likes to call him every day, but one time he was in the bathroom when she called. I picked up the phone, and the first thing she asked me was if he was eating okay. I almost had a stroke. But anyway, I digress.
Wednesday night rolled around, and I went to bed at 1:00, because I could sleep in for Veteran's Day. Toby is still playing Final Fantasy, smashing the shit out of the spacebar, and making tons of noise. I fell asleep rather quickly, thanks to my in-ear monitor earplugs that I use to play guitar. They block out the sound, and connect to any RCA plug, e.g. a CD player.
Flash to 4AM: I wake up because the room light is on, and there is a strong smell of BBQ sauce and chicken in the air. I move onto my back, and open my eyes.
"WHAT DO YOU SEE, JUSTIN?" You ask. I see the most horrid thing ever. There is my roommate, sitting in his chair. On his desktop computer monitor, there is a girl with a dick in her mouth. On his laptop computer monitor, he's playing final fantasy, and smashing the spacebar repeatedly with his left hand. With his right, he is masturbating, and laughing hysterically. That's Multi-tasking if I've ever seen it.
Apparently, a girl giving head is funny to him. Before I can be shocked, he stops masturbating and grabs a chicken wing, eats it, then goes back to masturbating. With the same hand, no less.
"WHAT THE FUCK! OH GOD, YOU'RE THREE FEET AWAY FROM ME WHEN YOU'RE DOING THAT! GO INTO THE BATHROOM OR SOMETHING!" He just kind of looked at me and then turned off the porn and zipped up. But he continued eating, of course.
I got up from my bed and went into our common room and slept there. I didn't care that I was only in my boxers. I just can't take this kid jacking off three feet from my head. And I will never get that horrible image out of my head.
This kid as ruined chicken for me FOREVER.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 09:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I notice on all American Uni type posts that there's always a kid that will masturbate in company. No one seems to think anything of it.
I guess in Britain masturbation is slightly more private.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-30 11:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He was probably hitting the space bar so many times because in Final Fantasy, all they do is talk, and the spacebar probably speeds up their conversations on the game. Makes sense.
Good story, nonetheless.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-20 17:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should buy him a hooker...with a side order of hot wings
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-12-20 17:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When my roommate got kicked out of school I had a super single, took the extra bed flipped it on it's side and made like a super bed/couch combo. I hate roommates.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-20 16:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss DP Dough
and what's that pizza place? with the shumungous slices of pizza with any topping
you can imagine?
Gosh, i forget the name. It was the best pizza EVAR! and i'm NOT saying that
because i was always stoned.
oh my god ... do they still have sugar jones?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-16 23:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The 'new'(i say new but they've been out for over a year) bose headphones are specially designed to remove background noise. Check em out.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-16 22:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2004-11-16 21:38:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
very kickass mr lechuga
you need to get me a link or a brand of those headphones... i need a nice set, over the crappy sony ones i baught cuz i wasnt guunna wear those crappy white iPod ones
+ 2
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They are the muting earplugs that musicians use onstage. They cost around $300 total, because they were actually a poured mold of my ear. The monitor part is what costs, but they're not meant to be used as headphones, but seriously, it's necessary.
I feel like giving myself a +2 for no reason, Damn it.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-16 22:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the reasons why it's better to be a girl.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2004-11-16 21:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very kickass mr lechuga
you need to get me a link or a brand of those headphones... i need a nice set, over the crappy sony ones i baught cuz i wasnt guunna wear those crappy white iPod ones
+ 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-16 11:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh that is just nasty!!
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2004-11-15 16:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap...thats fucked up. sorry dude.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-15 14:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*barfs*
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hysterically funny and well written.
Oh, and disturbing too.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhhhhhh!
I, too, thought Tons of Fun was getting head. He was just watching it. wooo. ::cough:: Disturbing. Funny. Perfect.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he should be injured for ruining chicken for anybody. to bad they weren't atomic firey wings. chemical burned wang.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This socked my rocks off.
It makes me wanna eat chicken and make out with a fat boy of my own...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should've taken a picture and included it with this post.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-15 07:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha... scary....
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2004-11-15 06:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaaha loved it
+2 Live
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-15 05:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-15 05:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Would you like some BigMac special sauce?"
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-15 04:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
awesome
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-15 03:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll add that to the list of things that I never want to see in my lifetime, ever.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-11-15 03:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
For a minute, I thought that you saw a girl with his dick in her mouth. I was gonna say, "Go, Tubby!" but then I reread it and realized I'm an idiot.
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I thought the same thing.
I have to share a 8 foot wide, 8 foot high, 20 foot long (approx) with a roommate. we don't even get a desk, phone, or computer. But we do have a TV with DVD player and cable. Crappy arab cable.
Submitted by Spf-0 (user info) at 2004-11-15 03:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want desperately to give you a -2 for the mental image you so vividly painted for me.
But I can't break a streak.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-15 01:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAAA
AHHA
AHAH
AHH
ahh..ha.ahaa..
HAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
poor you.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-11-15 01:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could hardly live in the same apartment with my roommate. I would go INSANE if I had to share a tiny, little space with some one. *shudder*
If you ever catch him sleeping, spit in his mouth.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:58:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.. you sure that was ice cream he got all over your bed?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was a PERFECT post
"the first thing she asked me was if he was eating okay. I almost had a stroke."
HAHAHA
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
'For a minute, I thought that you saw a girl with his dick in her mouth. I was gonna say, "Go, Tubby!" but then I reread it and realized I'm an idiot. '
I thought it said he had his dick in his mouth...
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm an idiot.
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good summary.
heh, just kidding man.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-15 00:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For a minute, I thought that you saw a girl with his dick in her mouth. I was gonna say, "Go, Tubby!" but then I reread it and realized I'm an idiot.