English, motherfucker! DO YOU SPEAK IT?! (6049 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.26 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DeathJester (View user info) at 2004-11-15 09:20:49 EST
Hi there, reader!
If you have clicked on this post from the Ubersite index page, or from reading my user info and you're "-2 DIE"'ing all my posts, then please, ignore this submission. It is intended as a reference post for all those who cannot seem to grasp the most basic of concepts of the English language, hopefully to build in content as a repository of information for all to view at leisure.
If you have arrived here through a link in a rating on one of your posts, you are a douche. You have been found to be ill educated in the English language, and this is intended specifically to put you right in your ways.
So, to the education.
Chapter 1: Sentence Structure. (Taken from http://homepages.uhwo.hawaii.edu/~writing/sentstructure.htm )
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To be an effective writer, you must follow certain principles of standard written English, the kind of writing used in most public communication. Standard written English follows predictable guidelines that often conflict with your own spoken dialect. If sentences do not follow or conform to these guidelines, they will probably confuse or mislead your reader. In either case, you will have failed in your effort to communicate.
Standard written English requires correct sentence structure and punctuation. To understand sentence structure and to recognize and fix problems correctly, you need to know the definitions of a phrase, an independent clause, a dependent clause, and a sentence.
· A phrase is a group of words that does not have a subject or a verb, or both. It does not make sense by itself.
· An independent clause has a subject and a predicate, and can stand alone as a complete sentence.
· A dependent clause has a subject and a predicate, but depends on an independent clause to be complete. Dependent clauses are introduced by subordinating conjunctions (after, although, because, before, if, though, unless, until, when, where, who, which, that).
· A sentence is a group of words containing at least one independent clause and expressing a complete idea. It has a subject and a verb and can stand alone.
Sentence Fragments
Fragments are common in speech, particularly in informal conversations. A fragment may look like a complete sentence, but it lacks a verb, a subject, or both, or it may be a clause beginning with a subordinating word or phrase. Fragments should be avoided because they distract and confuse the reader.
Revising Sentence Fragments
To revise sentence fragments you must add the missing verb and/or subject, or you must connect the dependent clause with an independent clause. For example:
· Fragment: The telephone with redial capacity. (no verb)
Revised: The telephone has a redial capacity.
· Fragment: Rang loudly for ten minutes. (no subject)
Revised: The telephone rang loudly for ten minutes.
· Fragment: At midnight. (no verb or subject)
Revised: The telephone rang at midnight.
· Fragment: Because the telephone rang loudly. (dependent clause with subordinating conjunction)
Revised: Because the telephone rang loudly, the family was awakened in the middle of the night.
· Fragment: The telephone call that woke the family. (dependent clause with relative pronoun)
Revised: The telephone call that woke the family was a wrong number.
Run-on Sentences and Comma Splices
A run-on sentence results when two independent clauses are joined without a conjunction or without punctuation. A comma splice results when two independent clauses are mistakenly connected with a comma instead of being separated into two sentences or joined with a conjunction or a semicolon. Run-on sentences and comma splices should be avoided for the same reasons that sentence fragments should be avoided: they are hard to read, they confuse the reader, they suggest that you are careless, and they indicate that you do not know what a sentence is.
Revising Run-on Sentences and Comma Splices
There are several ways to revise run-on sentences and comma splices: by using a period between the independent clauses, by inserting a semicolon between the independent clauses, by placing a comma and a coordinating conjunction between the independent clauses, or by using a subordinating word to make an independent clause a dependent clause. For example:
· Use a comma and a coordinating conjunction (and, but, yet, nor, for, or, so) between independent clauses.
Example: The physicist Marie Curie discovered radium, and she won two Nobel Prizes.
· Use a period or a semicolon between the independent clauses.
Example: The physicist Marie Curie discovered radium. She won two Nobel Prizes.
The physicist Marie Curie discovered radium; she won two Nobel Prizes.
· Use a semicolon plus a conjunctive adverb (also, furthermore, however, nevertheless, similarly, therefore, next, finally, indeed, certainly) or a transitional expression (as a result, in fact, at the same time, in conclusion) between the independent clauses.
Example: Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, worked together at first; however, he died at age 47.
· Revise one independent clause into a dependent clause.
Example: Radium, which can cause cancer, is also used to cure cancer.
Chapter 2: Punctuation. (Taken from http://www.grammarbook.com )
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SPACING WITH PUNCTUATION
Rule 1.
Use only one space following periods, commas, semicolons, colons, exclamation points, question marks, and quotation marks.
Rule 2.
Use no spaces on either side of a hyphen.
PERIODS (Full Stops)
Rule 1.
Use a period at the end of a complete sentence that is a statement.
Rule 2.
If the last word in the sentence ends in a period, do not follow it with another period.
Rule 3.
Use the period after an indirect question.
COMMAS
Rule 1.
To avoid confusion, use commas to separate words and word groups with a series of three or more.
Rule 2.
Use a comma to separate two adjectives when the word and can be inserted between them.
Rule 3.
Use a comma when an 'ly' adjective is used with other adjectives.
NOTE: To test if an 'ly' word is an adjective, see if it can be used alone with the noun. If it can, use the comma.
Rule 4.
Use commas before or surrounding the name or title of a person directly addressed.
NOTE: Capitalize a title when directly addressing someone.
Rule 5a.
Use a comma to separate the day of the month from the year and after the year. Some businesses no longer use the comma after the year.
Rule 5b.
If any part of the date is omitted, leave out the comma.
Rule 6.
Use a comma to separate the city from the state and after the state. Some businesses no longer use the comma after the state.
Rule 7.
Use commas to surround degrees or titles used with names.
NOTE: Sometimes people having names with Jr. attached do not use a comma before the Jr. If they do not use the comma, then you should not.
Rule 8.
Use commas to set off expressions that interrupt the flow of the sentence.
Rule 9.
When starting a sentence with a weak clause, use a comma after it. Conversely, do not use a comma when the sentence starts with a strong clause followed by a weak clause.
Rule 10.
Use a comma after phrases of more than three words that begin a sentence.
Rule 11.
If something or someone is sufficiently identified, the description following it is considered nonessential and should be surrounded by commas.
Rule 12.
Use a comma to separate two strong clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction-and, or, but, for, nor. You can omit the comma if the clauses are both short.
Rule 13.
Use the comma to separate two sentences if it will help avoid confusion.
Rule 14.
A comma splice is an error caused by joining two strong clauses with only a comma instead of separating the clauses with a conjunction, a semicolon, or a period. A comma splice creates what is known as a run-on sentence.
Rule 15.
If the subject does not appear in front of the second verb, do not use a comma.
Rule 16.
Use commas to introduce or interrupt direct quotations shorter than three lines.
Rule 17.
Use a comma to separate a statement from a question.
Rule 18.
Use a comma to separate contrasting parts of a sentence.
Rule 19.
Use a comma when beginning sentences with introductory words such as well, now, or yes.
Chapter 3: Paragraphing
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A very important part of ensuring your writing is easy to read, paragraphs are essential to any piece of writing.
Rule 1.
Paragraphs deal with ONE issue. New idea, new paragraph.
Rule 2.
When using speech in a creative piece, new speakers gain their own paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph.
Rule 3.
Paragraphs ensure that your piece is easy to read and follow. If you find yourself cornered into describing a thought over a long period of time, do not fear bending one of these rules to make your work easier to understand. You will benefit for doing so!
Chapter 4: Spelling
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http://www.dictionary.com
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If anybody can think of anything extra to add to this piece, please do so below through rating.
I hope this provides the new, and some old, users of Ubersite with the skills they need to make their literary drivel into something more of a masterpiece.
User Reviews
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry, I can't read that much on a hangover.
Submitted by SuperCrip666 (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear nahnoneofit,
i'm basically about as anal in grammar, etc., as DeathJester is. but i do type casually in e-mails & posts, like this one. YOUR stuff, however, DOES need tweaking for understandability. we can't hear the inflections in your voice. so some clearer wording punctuation ARE in order. we really don't have the time nor inclination to continually have to decipher what you're trying to convey.
example, from your rating here:
"grammar and sentence structure shouldnt be the critieria used to rate a post, the story or idea or whatever is, and is the whole fucking point of the post, and this site for that matter."
the middle of this "statement" breaks-down terribly! try it like this:
"grammar and sentence structure shouldn't be the critieria used to rate a post. the story or idea (or whatever) *should* be. those constitute the whole fucking point of the post, and this site for that matter."
...see???
Smiles, EveryOne, Smiles!.,
SuperCrip666
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Great, now i that i've read this i will be able to write a story!
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Could have been good, but wasn't.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for groundhog day!
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how can someone so educated be so damn petty.
who the fuck cares if a sentence is capilized and porperly puncuated, if i wanted to have my writing graded id wite an essay for my english class, or write a letter to my boss, or something else where shit like that actually matters
yea, its one thing if you cant understand the post, but another if someone simply wasnt anal enough to sit and learn how to type perfectly and doesnt bother with the shift key.
i got your arrogant little link and the only grammatical errors in my post were no capilization.
big motherfuckin deal
and no, my paragraphs dont get shorter at the end of my posts, theyre not meant to be paragrpahs in the first place, i just employ my own style of writing that i think accentuates whatever point there is to the writing.
grammar and sentence structure shouldnt be the critieria used to rate a post, the story or idea or whatever is, and is the whole fucking point of the post, and this site for that matter.
as long as you can understand it, quit lookin down your snotty nose and dont give shit where it isnt due.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I came here expecting something about Sam Jackson or Pulp Fiction. Cat-puke, I was mislead. Cat-puke. It's not a woman! Yes it is, his name is Gail. Yeah man you were getting high with me, you tell that to the cops, and I'll back you up. Cat-puke, I have served on four juries and we did our duty. Four convictions! Heh heh, this post was irrelevent.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-12-16 18:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doosh bag.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-12-14 09:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, I know. My last post was measured and found to be lacking.
And I am a douche.
I'm just fucking tired of writing things out so neatly, and with proper grammar and spelling: that I have fucking hurt my brain or something.
(P.S. I spelled and did bad grammer on purpose, at least on this post.)
Submitted by Happy-Tree-Friend (user info) at 2004-11-18 08:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51865
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-17 07:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I no how two wrote in british
Submitted by immygirl1 (user info) at 2004-11-16 17:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuk u. i can spell how da fuk i want! u aint my moma!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-16 09:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you'd have bothered with just the first few lines, you'd have picked up that there was no point for you to read this.
It's a fair quote concerning the content of the post. It's not an intentional whoring topic.
Thanks for your fair and unbiased opinion, though.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-16 09:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wtf. I'm not reading all that ghey.
-2 for stealing from Samuel Jackson.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-16 08:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You can find the "Shift" keys on your keyboard on the second row up, just above the "Control" keys. Depressing these keys while typing a letter causes capitalisation.
"the last time i checked, you weren't my english professor, who, by the way, gave me almost perfect grades on all my writing and said i was easily one of her best students."
So you're just lazy then? Nice to see you've kept to the standards set for seven year olds.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-16 08:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what a load of bullshit.
the last time i checked, you weren't my english professor, who, by the way, gave me almost perfect grades on all my writing and said i was easily one of her best students.
this is the Internet, not a literature contest or a graded english exam. unless the post is completely unintelligible, for example "dsfgjdfsgkjnsdfghgdfs;kjn", then stop whining. you know you can read it and grasp the meaning of the post even if someone left out a comma, douchebag.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-16 08:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:45:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
There/ their/ they're
Your/ you're
plusswone four peddantree
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Proper use of "There", "Their", and "They're".
There:
adv.
1. At or in that place: sit over there.
2. To, into, or toward that place: wouldn't go there again.
3. At that stage, moment, or point: Stop there before you make any more mistakes.
4. In that matter: I can't agree with him there.
pron.
1. Used to introduce a clause or sentence: There are numerous items. There must be another exit.
2. Used to indicate an unspecified person in direct address: Hello there.
adj.
1. Used especially for emphasis after the demonstrative pronoun that or those, or after a noun modified by the demonstrative adjective that or those: That person there ought to know the directions to town.
2. Nonstandard. Used for emphasis between a demonstrative adjective meaning "that" or "those" and a noun: No one is sitting at that there table. Them there beans ought to be picked.
n.
That place or point: stopped and went on from there.
interj.
Used to express feelings such as relief, satisfaction, sympathy, or anger: There, now I can have some peace!
Their:
adj. The possessive form of they.
1. Used as a modifier before a noun: their accomplishments; their home town.
2. Usage Problem. His, her, or its: "It is fatal for anyone who writes to think of their sex"
They're:
Contraction of they are.
Proper use of "Your" and "You're".
Your:
adj. The possessive form of you.
1. Used as a modifier before a noun: your boots; your accomplishments.
2. A person's; one's: The light switch is on your right.
3. Informal. Used with little or no sense of possession to indicate a type familiar to the listener: your basic three-story frame house.
You're:
Contraction of you are.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-15 13:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"WHAT ain't no country I heard of, do they speak English in What?"
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm ESL so I'm exempted of any critics.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, ok cheers!
That's what the video is, though...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just +2ing you for the "Fart in mouth" comment on the porn blooper post. Fuckin had me in stitches, so here's to you.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"... my zealous display ..."
Hey, everyone makes mistakes.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe if everyone on here would follow HALF of these rules, zealous display would not be required.
Actually, it's the fact that they follow ONLY half of these rules that makes them so unbearable. I was taught English in school from the age of 4, as i'm sure the vast majority of you were. Unless you have a diagnosed medical condition, you have no excuse for not being well articulated individuals.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your participle is dangling.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There/ their/ they're
Your/ you're
plusswone four peddantree
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe, think, should i bookmark This?
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no wonder my posts keep getting reject by the Cambridge Literary Journal. Shut up.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pedantry.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF?!
I'm not reading all of that...
Actually, I did, and it sucked.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good idea.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot to use a full stop, and you shouldn't capitalise past the first word in the sentence unless it is the word "I" (pronoun), or it is a proper noun e.g. A persons name.
You fail.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-11-15 09:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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