Man vs. Woman vs. God vs. Homosexuality (with a camwhore) (1181 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.07 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (View user info) at 2004-11-15 10:32:58 EST
There I was, eating a strawberry poptart and furiously masturbating to internet porn, same as I do every morning. It's important to start your day off right. Just as I was bookmarking the nazi midget bondage page, I heard a knock on my front door.
"Just a minute" I called out as I wiped the sweat from my forehead. It seems that in all the hustle and bustle of making myself look presentable, I forgot to put away my wang because after I opened the door, I noticed I was still holding my half erect dong.
"Something I can help you with ma'am?" I asked the beautiful blonde who had rudely interrupted my morning ritual.
"Hello, I'm agent Scully from the F.B.I. we've been monitoring your..." She trailed off as she noticed my penis, which had become fully erect again. I decided the best thing to do would be to keep the conversation going, and not draw too much attention to my member.
"Scully? Like the X-files lady? You know, you kind of look like her too." I thought about the X-files porn I had downloaded of Scully getting fucked by Mulder, and my penis began to throb.
"Uh ... no, I'm not that Scully. But listen, we've been monitoring your internet usage, and it seems that you've been looking at a lot of porn. The F.B.I. is a little concerned."
"What? you can't just go through a mans porno records. I have rights, I'm an American citizen."
"Patriot act" Those two words trumped my entire argument. Damn. She was clever, but I wasn't to be outdone.
"Well, is it illegal to look at copious amounts of porn? huh?"
" It says here that on Nov. 10'th you were looking at "naked boys dancing and eating cake". How do you explain that?"
"What? No... do you know Tom from Ubersite?" God damn Tom and his peer-to-peer networking, now I was never going to fuck this Scully lady.
"Look son, You have a problem. According to our records you're looking at approximately 4 hours of internet porn a day. I'm not here to arrest you, I'm here to help you."
"Help me with this?" I asked as i gave my dick a little jiggle. She looked down, and stared at my cock for a little bit. I thought she was going to grab it, just like she did to Mulder in that X-files porn. Apparently I misread the signs because she pulled out her .44 and blew my cock off.
As you might understand, I was pretty pissed about having my peter shot off, so I did what any normal guy would do. I picked up my hoo-hoo-dilly and threw it into Scully's eye. She responded by shooting my balls off.
"There" she said, "Now you like someone I might fuck" She leveled her gun at my face, intent on finishing me off. But before she could pull the trigger, god smote her ass with a lightning bolt.
"God damn gays" God said. I didn't have time to think about why God would use his own name in vain, I had a favor to ask him.
"Hey God" I began tentatively. God was in a smitting mood, and it's best not to piss him off when he's in a smitting mood, "That lesbian bitch shot my cock off ... you think there's anyway you could re-attach it for me?"
"I help those who help themselves" God said. I hate it when God throws down riddles instead of actually helping people. What a punk.
"Well yea, but I really don't know how to properly attach a penis. I mean, there's all sorts of veins and nerves and shit." I was trying to reason with God, but if any of you know God, he can be pretty unreasonable at times.
"Why don't you just pretend to be a woman? I mean, those bullet holes kind of look like a vagina. It should work out."
I told God that that wouldn't work out because I didn't like men. He responded with some bullshit story from the bible about how understanding he was ... something about fire and brimstone. I wasn't really paying attention, what with me missing my penis and all. He said that if I had to be a lesbian, he wouldn't hate me as much as he hates the rest of the gays since this was an extenuating circumstance. I thanked god for all his help, and then went to buy some new clothes and make up, to make myself look pretty.
So then ladies, if any of you are Lesbian/Bi/ or just curious, what do you say we get together and see if we can make some magic? I mean, look at me, I'm one hot bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-11-16 10:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_liquidator (user info) at 2004-11-16 10:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
unsure about the photo, but it got a laugh. Unfortunately I'm now getting weird looks from the poeple next to me in the computer lab.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-11-15 14:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kind of stuff is right up my alley. The writing style, I mean. Not the cross-dressing. Although it would be cool to be a chick with big boobs for a day. mmm mmmm
Submitted by Trion (user info) at 2004-11-15 14:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks I just lost my appetite.
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-11-15 13:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG, How did you get a picture of me?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
<ejaculates>
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd do ya....
In the pooper.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good
things so tasty?
-- Homer Simpson
Brush With Greatness
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase
Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good.
-- Homer Simpson
Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really hot if you pretended the narrator was a girl. Up until the "She noticed my penis bit" it almost worked!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing
defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer and Apu
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-11-15 10:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like
to smack that kid.
-- Homer Simpson