I'm not the next contestant on "The Price is Right." (1688 hits)
Category: Movies & TVLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.81 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-15 11:38:14 EST
"Anthony Cassidy... come on down! You're the next contestant on "The Price Is Right!"
*Trumpet music plays*
<bep beh buh duh>
<bep beh buh duh>
<bep beh buh duh buh duh buh duh bep beh buh duh...>
I've often seen this scenario in my dreams. I hear the announcer call my name, and I react with shock, then pure elation. Then I wake up and realize that I will never be on "The Price Is Right." It's just never going to happen.
I'll never see Bob Barker standing impatiently on stage as I pave my way through the hordes of rednecks, old people, the unemployed (see "rednecks"), college students, military personnel, and tourists.
I'll never get to run my gangly ass legs-a-flailing down that red runway missing high-fives and grinning like I just got away with a really nasty-smelling fart. I'll never get to feel the companionship of the elite group on contestant's row. It's a sad fact, but one that I'm resigned to for a variety of reasons. Even if I do somehow manage to make it out to the taping, I'll never get chosen as a contestant, and here's why.
1) Bob Barker scares the shit out of me.
It's true. I hate to admit it, but he does. I'm nearly 21 years old, and Bob Barker scares me more than Pennywise the Clown or Cujo ever could. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the fact that he's been kissed by a million different contestants (it's a wonder he hasn't died of infection yet). Maybe it's his imposing stature. Maybe it's just the fear that he's a pedophile in disguise. Or maybe it's that he looks like a zombie whose face is about to rot off, and when it does he'll just nonchalantly reach down and place the flap of skin back into the crease, or stuff it in his coat pocket. He's creepy. I pray to Jebus, God, Allah, Buddha, and Satan every night that he'll die soon.
Said fear of Bob Barker would keep me from going to contestant's row. They'd call my name like they do in my dream, and I'd just sit there frozen. I'd rip off my nametag and run to the bathroom, yelling, "You'll never take me alive, Zombie Barker!!!"
2) I won't kiss Bob Barker's ass on a T-shirt.
You know them. Those people. The assholes who textually fellate Bob Zombie on their T-shirt with phrases like, "I <3 Bob," "Watching the Price Is Right for 30 years and still going strong," and, "Bob, stick a finger in my asshole." Okay, so I've never seen the last one, but that's what they might as well say. I'm not about to be Bob's bitch for brownie points. That fucker isn't even in charge of anything but holding a mic and being a notable figurehead. Fuck you, Bob Barker.
3) If I won't whore myself out to Bob, I've got nothing else to put on a T-shirt.
I'm from nowhere interesting. Let's face it. Rural Iowa is not something to be proud of, unless you're at a NASCAR race or a tractor pull. Sure, people from Iowa have made it on the Price Is Right, but when they do it's usually a college student or military personnel. When the miracle does occur, it actually makes the fucking newspaper here. I'm not in the military, and I'm not about to wear a T-shirt that says "I go to Kirkwood Community College and I R SMRT." If you're not from the University of Iowa, they're going to shit on you.
4) Barker's beauties.
Okay, I'm on contestant's row and I magically get up on stage. Now, it's time to see the prize, and here comes one of Bob's beauties. Oh dear.
"Show him what he's playing for..."
"A MASSIVE ERECTION!"
I'm pretty sure this wouldn't happen, but there is always the possibility. This would be a problem. A huge problem. As in my penis is huge and everyone would be able to see my huge penis through my pants. Now, this wouldn't be a problem for the average Joe. The producers would realize what was happening and simply pan up to film from the waist up. For me, it's going to be a bit more difficult. I'm 6'8, so waist high for me is about shoulder-high for everyone else. They could zoom in on my face, but that would only reveal terrible complexion, shit in my teeth, and a look of shame as I think about Bob Barker naked to try and get rid of my boner. Knowing my luck it would get bigger.
Now, the erection's under control, and I've won my pricing game for a new car, won my Showcase Showdown, and gotten into the big Showcase. This creates plenty of opportunities to make an ass out of myself in front of the Beauties.
"So, ladies, were you impressed?"
"Um, with the fact that an inbred hick like you won a car, maybe."
"Oh, feisty. I like that. Say, whatsay you ladies come help me take it for a test drive. I'll teach you how to drive a stick. And by that I mean my stick. And by my stick I mean my penis. Because it's shaped like a stick. More of a tree really. Not a sapling, either. A strong, sturdy oak. And acorns. Big acorns. But not so big they won't fit in your mouthAGGAINGEHGAIONGWGASDGAWEIOGJAIODSN!"
By the time I'd be done making sexual innuendos and trying to grab their asses, I'd probably be tazed by security officials. They'd have a hard time explaining why the boner contestant is catatonically drooling and his hair is standing up, but that's why it isn't a live show.
5) I'd likely kill someone.
Okay, it's the final item up for bid on Contestant's Row. I've got the third bid. It's a dinette set, and I know for damned sure that it costs roughly 1300 dollars. So, I place my bid as such, and keep a poker face, ready to be excited when my name gets called, but also to prevent that last bidder from knowing I'm going to win.
"1301, Bob!"
"Actual retail price IS... 1327 dollars."
"YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!! I HAD THAT FUCKING DINETTE SET! GRAAAAAAAH!"
I'd go Hulk in an instant. That fucker that just outbid me by a dollar and spoiled my dreams of grandeur would be marching up the stairs to give Bob a handshake or a kiss. Then they get tackled by a 6'8 Iowan with a hard-on for vengeance. After briefly pummeling my victim, I'd be tazed by security officials and spend the day in jail in Hollywood with a bunch of cross-dressers, Mexicans, and a black guy named Tyrone who wants to "be my friend."
I'll never go to the Price Is Right, and Bob Barker will continue to haunt my dreams.
User Reviews
Submitted by cleveland_steamer (user info) at 2005-07-05 15:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The tree reference paragraph made me pee myself. B@W
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-01-22 13:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-13 00:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-17 20:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-11-24 13:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good one.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bigaty-BAM, bitches!!!
+2
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-11-16 22:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
Submitted by Malachy (user info) at 2004-11-16 17:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dumb. Shit.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-11-16 02:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One dollar, Bob!
One fist to the face, gramma!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-11-16 02:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"1301, Bob!"
"Actual retail price IS... 1327 dollars."
"YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!! I HAD THAT FUCKING DINETTE SET! GRAAAAAAAH!"
I've watched many (read everyday for 10 years) episodes when someone does that and I would let them taste their own ass
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-16 02:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not the same without Rod Roddy in his sequined suits.
Submitted by ginger (user info) at 2004-11-16 02:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know them. Those people. The assholes who textually fellate Bob Zombie on their T-shirt with phrases like, "I <3 Bob," "Watching the Price Is Right for 30 years and still going strong," and, "Bob, stick a finger in my asshole." Okay, so I've never seen the last one, but that's what they might as well say. I'm not about to be Bob's bitch for brownie points. That fucker isn't even in charge of anything but holding a mic and being a notable figurehead. Fuck you, Bob Barker."
YOU RULE!!! i pee'd me pants, i did!
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-16 00:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He eats babies, he does.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-16 00:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should be neutered. Not a +2.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-11-16 00:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone that was on the show and they said when they call out your name and say "You're the next contestant..." they ALREADY KNOW they are going to be called!!! What a scam!
After they told me this, I looked for the reactions of the people to see how they (usually) overreacted to their name being called. Yep. They were telling the truth.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-11-16 00:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Linkwhore! +2!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51744
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-15 20:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-15 19:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-15 18:56:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was way better than your B@W post.
***
Eh, I've got no control over it.
I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Thanks to Bart, and everyone who liked it.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-15 18:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was way better than your B@W post.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-11-15 16:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bleaurfublespumintufaloprezniloghawx.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-11-15 13:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-15 13:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they change the prices of thigns often. how can tylenol arthritis relief be 6 dollars AND 13 dollars bob? what the fuck is the deal with that?
if i ever got called, i'd go up to bob, pretend to be giving him a hug, while actuall going to give him a quick dry hump.
take that bob...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. AJ's penis IS huge!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Watch out for Bob Barker...from what I understand, he's a fucking pervert from way back when.
Submitted by Zombie_Reagan (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
will Zombie Barker be my friend? Death is so lonely.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the penis monologue. Damn funny.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stop trying to get me to camp out on your post you dirty hitwhore.
But it was good, thanks for asking.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:04:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
"What's the deal with those microphones that are like three feet long with the little ball at the top? Is it supposed to be some kind of magical price guessing wand? "
He likes long, thin things near his mouth.
***
You'd know, eh, CBG?
How was the birthday?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What's the deal with those microphones that are like three feet long with the little ball at the top? Is it supposed to be some kind of magical price guessing wand? "
He likes long, thin things near his mouth.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-15 12:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When are they going to get Bob Barker and Dick Clark to star in a remake of "Night of the Living Dead?"
I'm looking forward to that.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Barker freaked me out the most when his hair went from jet black to silver overnight.
What's the deal with those microphones that are like three feet long with the little ball at the top? Is it supposed to be some kind of magical price guessing wand?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Show him what he's playing for..."
"A MASSIVE ERECTION!"
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:40:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
have your pets spayed or neutered
---
How right on are you Loki?
<just spit water on my keyboard>
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:45:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51433#956099
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Who cares?
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Barker looks more like George Hamilton right there.
But am I going to whore out my Price is Right post?
Yes.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35308
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-15 11:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have your pets spayed or neutered