Comedy Series - HR (Part 2) (613 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Amusing (View user info) at 2004-11-16 18:06:32 EST
An excerpt from a live performance
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I'm in line to go through the metal detector. What does a metal detector detect? Mmmetal. Can't we figure out that coins, and keys, and all kinds of shit is made out of metal? No? Well, I can but the business man in the nice three-piece suit, Brooks Brothers outfit and the nice shoes and $150 briefcase can't seem to do it. And he's always in line ahead of me.
Goes through <Eeeeee> and makes the u-turn.
- "Sir, do you, ah, have any keys..."
~ "oh, I'm sorry. Ah, must be my keys"
Digs into his pocket and <whaaboom> pulls out keys like a janitor or a jailer. Twelve pounds. Big ass ring of keys. Everyone goes "Whoa that's a lot of keys man". I'm surprised it didn't pull his pants down to his ankles. So he goes "Okay, here I go again". And I'm timing him.
This should take, no time. You should not even break pace. Throw your briefcase on the thing, walk through, don't set it off, grab your thing and go on to your fucking gate. But oh no, not this guy. I'm standing behind him "I really want to go. I really want to go." I don't have any keys or change in MY pocket, because I know it's a fucking metal detector. He's done this eighty times like everybody else. He goes through again, "Eeeeeee".
- "Sir, uh, any other metal objects in your pocket".
~ "oh, oh, I'm sorry Ma'am. I've got some change".
Pulls out of his pocket nine, ten weeks worth of laundry quarters. <boooom> Pulls out twelve pounds of quarters. Everyone is impressed, "That's a lot of... change". Another two minutes have been taken off my life.
I really... want to give him a foot up the ass. I race right through, gab the backpack and I don't even stop walking. I, I know what to do with the metal detector. This isn't rocket-science; this is a fucking metal detector. Okay, I know, maybe I'm overreacting, but on a day to day basis getting barraged by dumb-dumbs it's just more than a man can bear.
Then we have the "I am too chicken-shit to check-in my luggage so I'll take a fucking overseas steamer on the plane and try to wedge it above the seat but I can't do it so I'll stand in the fucking isle for 90 minutes while everyone else stands there like a bump on a log waiting to sit down". Or, when they do finally cram the thing in there, with the help of three other people, no one can figure out how to sit down in 13-a. They walk in the isle holding there little boarding stub like delicate information. They look helplessly lost. They look at it, and they look up. Look at it and they look up. I feel like grabbing them by the back of their collar taking the ticket... "Okay, watch. Eleven, twelve, thirteen! See?!? A...B...A..B..A...SIT THE FUCK DOWN SHUT THE FUCK UP!!".
Which I think should be one of the two little lights up there. Where they have the seat belt icon and the don't smoke icon they should have the "Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up" light. 'Cause I don't know about you, maybe it's only my experience 'cause I'm overreacting bad karma boy.
But it's always my experience that I'm sitting in the isle seat, because its easy access to the men's room if I need to go in there, and a guy gets up from his seat and has to have the long drawn out conversation about his friend's laptop. He's bending over, that big bubble butt, looking at his friend's laptop and I make a right-turn with my face. My nose gets stuck in the guy's ass crack. I'm stuck, I can't get loose.
Have you ever heard guys talk about their computers like they're talking about their cars, like they're talking about the sex they had?
- "Oh, that's a six-oh-four-E microprocessor chip in there. Oh, that's fast as hell that thing"
- "Wow, that active screen is really bitching".
- "Well, yeah, I got a 4 gig in my laptop"
- "Yah, uh huh, I feel a slight tingling in my ass. Well, anyway when we get to Nebraska we're going to kick ass in those carpet sales. We're gonna sell those guys a whole bunch of carpet. Give it up. High-five!"
Meanwhile I'm "mrmph mrmmmph mrmm" and then <ding> the "sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up" light goes on.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, the pilot has instructed everyone to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up."
~ "Well Don, I gotta go. I gotta go sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up." "Oh sorry, man. Is your face okay? Okay, well uh, gotta roll."
I endure these morons, surrounded by them. I get out of the plane. My next boondoggle, my next obstacle in my path, towards an efficient straight path to the baggage claim... the moving sidewalk.
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Henry Rollins
User Reviews
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The MAN
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Henry Rollins = my future husband
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-16 19:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew this was Henry Rolling because I have this on my computer somewhere.