havin' some balm sex (1509 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.14 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chinaski (View user info) at 2004-11-16 23:28:05 EST
Fuck, I hadn't had sex in so long, my dick had finished atrophying into... my palm. Yes, believe it or not, it had been over a year since my penis had tasted the sweet wonderous inner walls of the vagina (or female anus, for that matter, or penis-chute. I mean mouth).
Indeed, I was starting to forget the joys of seeing an engorged, distended purple clitoris quivering like an elephant's labia getting sprayed with a fire hose. And Mr. Penis wasn't happy. Not at all. Would you be happy if a gigantic fleshy alien being vigorously rubbed you past the point of no return, sometimes upwards of twenty times a day*? Until you shot vile-tasting whitish bile from every pore on your head? Ok, bad analogy. Who wouldn't!
Now imagine going to sleep and waking up in another dimension- a dimension where, though still living, rigor mortis has set into your entire body, leaving you as stiff as a hebron banker's tip. Now imagine being dipped time and time again into a gloriously warm, smooth vat of glistening, sweet, wax. Wax that was in fact a tight, nubile pussy. Sucks, huh? Wish you were getting rubbed down by that calloused alien palm, don't you?
Sick bastard. Unlike you, I (my penis) just wanted to be having sex again.
And unbeknownst to me, my penis's wishes were soon to come true.
After a fight with my father, wherein he belittled me (via inarticulate bellows turning into character assaults because I "let" a meter maid give his illegally car parked a ticket, despite ... well, enough of that) furiously, I took off to my friend's beach-house mansion 2 hours away for a week. It would give me time to cool off, and blaze up like a caveman.
I arrived in town, climbed off the filthy, stinky greyhound, and thanked the unconscious bum next to me for the great sex. Then I bussed over to my friend's house for a week of hedonistic fun.
The first thing that struck me when I arrived was the door. Fuck, I always forget- open first. I walked in. What greeted me next was a vision of beauty- a humongous, bulbous trash bag tumbling violently down the stairs and exploding it's contents everywhere, like a humongous, bulbous boil on an unconscious bum's ass, with my teeth sunk deep inside. Bottles broke, rotting vegetable matter splattered, and I patted my dick for a few minutes as means of congratulating myself for my skillz at mental freestyling.
Then I looked up the stairs... only to be visited from an angel on high.
Which is to say, I saw a moderately attractive girl, standing at the top of the stairs.
A girl who did not live in this house.
A girl who did not yet know how amazingly obnoxious I could be, and undoubtably would be, later that night. Once I smoked copious amounts of pot, and my self-loathing at being utterly addicted to marijuana for the past 6 years came crashing down on me.
But for now... I was suave. (For all that skanky hoe knew).
"Hi," I began suavely. "I'm Chinaski," finishing my words by only THINKING "you skanky ass hoe." Nice one! I high-fived myself. Whoops.
But she giggled. Not in that southern californian manner, but in the manner of a girl who's done copious amounts of drugs in her day, and probably spread her legs like a keg of boiling marmalade tipped on a loaf of bread as many times as the day is long.
Hmm, I thought. My penis jerked and twitched in anticipation. Anticipation of the session he was about to experience in the bathroom... it had been over 20 minutes since his last "visit to the chiropractor".
But perhaps it was not to be. The girl, whom we shall call Jens, invited me upstairs. And when I reached the top of the stairs and smelled her rank musk, I knew I might be in luck.
Also, there were beer bottles everywhere. Ev-ry-where. And the two jerks who lived in the house (along with my 2 good friends) were subletting their rooms for the summer... to a couple and some random stranger (she turned out to be an easily manipulatable slut whom my womanizing friend immediately took advantage of. Also, her breasts were large. Commence masturbation). Jens was visiting the couple for a week. Purrrrfect!
Soon night came, and we were all thoroughly trashed. Eventually the couple retired to their room for some heavy sexin', and I couldn't think of a good excuse for why I was pressing my ear against their door and masturbating when caught, so I rejoined the remaining drunkards at the table. Jens looked ready for bed. We went downstairs...
"Here's a blanket so you're not cold on the couch..." she offered meekly.
"Thanks," I replied meekly.
I went upstairs, blanket in hand. FUCK! I forgot I was a raging pussy when it came to getting some!
Well, that was about to fucking change. Time to distend the balls from the lower pelvis. I went back downstairs. Then I went into the bathroom and grabbed some floss. Then I walked into her room (which was my friend's room who wasn't around, where she was sleeping) flossing. SUAVE!
"HHArroow Rhaara lolzorz" I said around my fingers, wincing at the pungent semen flavor of my fingers and sounding like a chinaman high on meth. She smiled. We proceeded to talk for a little while... then it was time for me to go to bed.
"Umm..." I said. "I was thinking maybe I could... sleep here tonight."
"I was just about to say the same thing!" she lied.
"BOOYAH!" bellow-screamed my ecstatic penis.
And we shagged like rabbis. (Intentional typo, those mo'fuckas are HORNY! Take it from a former... whatever Hebron altar boy equivalents are. I actually wasn't one, I just like to fuck Rabbis on the side whom I meet on Adult Friend Finder).
Eventually it was time for her to leave. My cock had gotten quite accustomed to his warm burrow- she didn't make me wear a rubber!!- but she had to go home, back to Vermont.
"Promise you'll visit me?? Pinky swear!?" she begged.
"Of course, my love" I murmured, staring deeply and sincerely into her eyes.
Then I was like, a week late with a letter or something, and she never wrote back.
SCORE!
User Reviews
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-31 23:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I stopped reading at "elephant's labia" you sick beasy lover. More proof you are seriously fucked in the head (not that there is any shortage....)
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-29 21:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Time to distend the balls from the lower pelvis."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny story. You didn't wear a rubber? GROSS.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-17 08:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vile-tasting, eh? I know it was a long time, but damn, man...
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-17 02:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn good story. No rubber man cmon now- this is some random bitch.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-17 01:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo Hoo!
Submitted by RouteTwo (user info) at 2004-11-17 00:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilariously gay, yet utterly funny.