It's Time to Fight Back or Foray Into the Female Locker Room (1067 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by funkchomper <funkchomper.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-17 10:05:55 EST
I woke up this morning with a thought in my head. For a change. Maybe this is what happens when you wake up before 7. Either way, it's kind of freaky. I mean, waking up before 7. It's like another world, man.
While this was a heady experience, I had better stick to the point. For some reason I was thinking of women... and not the usual thoughts, either. I was thinking about Women's Lib. Ah... what an enlightened male - no, they weren't warm fuzzy thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily want my woman barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and I hate glass ceilings as much as the next guy (or gal). It's just that some of this stuff is ridiculous!
I'm sure I don't have to spell it all out for you. You've seen the news: Women fighting to become members of historic men-only golf clubs, trying out to be kickers on football teams, joining the military! Now this last one gets me all riled up. Say I'm pinned down in Fallujah, with my left foot shot to pieces and a piece of shrapnel in my eye - egads!. I want a big husky guy there to drag my 200lb frame to safety, not an (albeit attractive) underfed pinup model. Yes, I'm making some assumptions here: she may not be attractive. Hell, I'm full of it anyway: I only weigh 150.
The last straw was the following article.
NB ruling opens hockey locker room to girls
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1097365845846_35?hub=Canada
Go ahead, take a look. Durn 'progressive' Canadians. Sure, follow Europe's example... we'll still be here to drag you out of any messes you get into with our Assault Wenches. Oo.. that was crude. Sorry.
Now, being as I started out the day with these thoughts in mind and then stumbled across this article a few hours later, I felt a sense of purpose enveloping my very soul. Side note: I call my Hanes "a sense of purpose". Something had to be done about this. Fortunately, I had the Perfect Plan.
I happen to be in Montego Bay, Jamaica, on some business. Been here for about 3 weeks, with a month left. There's a great beach down the road that charges $5 a day for those who aren't members of their Bathing Club. As I would be here for quite some time I managed to obtain a membership and have been swimming there every morning. They have convenient changing rooms, one for men, and of course one for the ladies. I decided to make a stand for men.
I would use the female locker room from now on.
Now this may or may not have been done before. I enlisted the help of Google to find out, but all I ended up with were lesbian erotica sites. As far as I knew, I was the example for men everywhere. I did not relish my position. I knew it would be an arduous fight. Surely I would be ridiculed and despised. I would miss the comraderie of the men's room, and the playful wrestling matches that often erupted when the Peace Corps arrived. This, however, was bigger than me. It had to be done.
I set my jaw, and set forth. I went about my early morning swim in the usual way, though my mind was racing. I wondered if my face was giving away clues to my intention. No matter, I was resolute. I finished up, picked up my festive beach towel, and headed for the locker rooms. Today I made a right instead of a left. Beads of sweat salted my brow like the dew of the morning on a dead fish tossed upon the beach by the night tide.
In the next few moments, I had a revelation. Forget what I said about women in the military; if that husky, dusky Jamaican locker room attendant was by my side, I'd have no worries. I already know she can pick me up. Hell, she could toss me to safety. With one hand. And a panzerfaust in the other, if we were in WWII era Germany.
Oh. I'm banned from the beach.
User Reviews
Submitted by ezphilosophy (user info) at 2004-11-21 03:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:31:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, the mental image of a 'husky, dusky Jamaican locker room attendant' wielding a primitive rocket launcher in WW2 Germany is something I don't experience very often. The way I see it, it'd be like Army of Darkness, but ten times cooler.
________________________________
Thanks, Mike. As a huge Army of Darkness fan myself, I'm proud to have Bruce's badass masterpiece associated with any mental images I helped conjure.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-17 14:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the good words... unfortunately no, I saw nothing past the initial entrance. Damn that woman was fast. And I do believe I know who this Shakes the van driver is... grin.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-17 12:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a girl on my hockey tema bck in the day.
she changed with us.
we saw boob, she saw cock
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-17 11:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been to montego bay
woo!
If you see Shakes the Van Driver, tell him I said hi
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-11-17 11:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-17 11:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-17 11:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-11-17 11:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I admire you for taking a stand...adhering to your principles.
Did you see any pussy?
Submitted by Luckylacquer (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even being female, I still don't get the whole battle for the impinging rights foprtay we've become so accustomed to in this country. That'd be like a Jew suing the Catholic church for not being permitted to attend mass and receive the sacraments. Or the women wanting to join the all men's club. MAKE YOUR OWN CLUB! That's why they're CALLED clubs! They're designed for members who all embrace a similar trait, namely, that of a PENIS. Where will it stop? Apparently not in the locker room. I'd personally prefer to have the whole place to myself, but hey, I'm not ashamed of anything, I just like my personal space. And being around nekkid men makes me drippingly moist :)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know about glass ceilings, but glass floors would totally rock. You could go into the basement and look up skirts.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, the mental image of a 'husky, dusky Jamaican locker room attendant' wielding a primitive rocket launcher in WW2 Germany is something I don't experience very often. The way I see it, it'd be like Army of Darkness, but ten times cooler.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-17 10:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I laughed.