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123 Things Mike is no longer able to do at work: (800 hits)

Category: Humor

Rating: -0.06 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Fert (View user info) at 2004-11-17 12:58:51 EST

OK so what if i was reading skippy's post and got inspired it was funny! Everything on this list was done by me at least once while i worked there,

Explanations of these events:
A) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended.
B) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do.
C) Was the result of a clarification of the above.
D) I was just minding my own business, when something happened.
E) Things that have been silently understood as not acceptable.

To explain why I haven't been fired, I'm funny and my last job was at the US Post Office so I don't think they want to make me upset. (Actually it finally happened as of Nov 4th, 2004 I am officially unemployed.)

I am not allowed to make up manager specials.

I will refrain from doing my pole dance on the sales floor.

I am not allowed to play hide and go seek during a power outage.

I will refrain from making forts in the stock room with merchandise.

The security cameras are not following me, if they were there's a good reason.

I will refrain from hitting on customers. Especially when there husbands are near by.

I am not allowed to give discounts based on how cute someone looks.

I am not allowed to answer the phone and pretending to be Applebee's.

I will refrain from singing along to the music videos at work.

I will refrain from slapping any of my co-workers on the ass.

I cannot unplug the phones to have a cook out.

I may not have a football party while at work.

I will refrain from offering maintaince services for things that don't exist.

There is no such thing as blinker fluid, winter and summer air for tires.

Hitting on the ISM girls is not part of my job description.

"Other duties as assigned" on my job description does not mean I can choose what they are.

I will refrain from having rubber band fights.

There aren't any subliminal messages in the music at work.

The voices I hear on the p.a. are not voices in my head, so there is no need to assume the fetal position.

I will refrain from paging {Csm to the men's room, customer waiting}.

I will refrain from talking with a Japanese accent.

I will refrain from having sword fights with the Styrofoam.

I will refrain from doing the 'Mr. Roboto' dance during someone else's sails pitch to make them laugh.

Wednesday isn't hump day and therefore I cannot claim holiday pay.

I do not get 'that time of the month'.

I cannot hire a team of trained monkeys to do my bidding.

The pressurized oil machine isn't meant to be used as play thing.

I am not allowed to use the oil machine to see how far I can make it shoot.

I am not allowed to go within 5 ft of the oil machine, ever - under any circumstances.

I am not allowed to use company merchandise to make bootleg movies.

I am not to watch 'Boon dock Saints' while working.

I will refrain from using any power tools.

I will refrain from grabbing my co-workers ass even if she did grab mine first.

I will refrain from bringing in soundtracks from Disney movies and re-enacting them on the sales floor.

I will refrain from taking pictures of management and photo shopping them for amusement.

I can not watch the Simpson's on all the TV's on the sales floor.

I will refrain from taking field trips to the mall on company time.

A novelty throwing disk is a Frisbee not a cleaning product. No matter what the box claims and cannot be claimed as a work related expense.

The paper bags in the ladies room is for girl related items and no further explanation is required.

I am not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious reasons; on the basis is that the world in going to end more then once.

Not allowed to trade company assets for magic beans.

I will refrain from quoting Dr. Seuss as product features.

If something makes me giggle for more than 10 seconds I should assume I'm not allowed to do it.

The keys in the lost and found do not belong to me, nor are they for an imperial walker.

I am no longer allowed to give lap dances while at work.

Even if they are free.

I am not a lesbian trapped in a mans body.

The ladies room is off limits even if I'm invited.

The chairs in the ladies room are not there so the girls can practice lap dances on one anther.

A ruler is not a light saber or a weapon of any kind and should be treated as such.

I will refrain from playing crouching tiger hidden dragon while at work.

It isn't polite to say "I do not speak Spanish I speak English, Welcome to the United States, Bitch" in Spanish to customers looking at the shinny rims.

My Sgm is not a cyborg sent from the future to make my life miserable, nor is he malfunctioning.

I will refrain from taking candy from strangers.

I will refrain from putting AOL disks in the microwaves just because it looks cool.

I will not use the AOL CD's as Frisbees.

Playing Frisbee golf is not appropriate while working.

Nate is not gay; I should stop telling people he is, even if it is to get him dates.

I am not allowed to get phone numbers off of the computer for dating purposes; it's for business use only.

I am not allowed to make long distance calls to old friends, while working.

I am not allowed to call local friends while working.

I will refrain from calling the watch lady's in the mall asking what time it is.

I am not allowed to put my SGM on hold and then transfer him to the pa when he's talking to me.

I will refrain from adding sound effects after I page someone.

I am not allowed to play my music over the PA system.

I am to refrain from making out with female co-workers in the office.

I am to refrain from making out with female co-workers anywhere in the store.

Even if it's my day off.

I am to refrain from doing any April fools day pranks that require more then 5 min. to clean.

I am not allowed to pack my managers office full of packing peanuts, EVER AGAIN Even though it was hilariously funny (And expensive)

A slacker is not a super hero and probably not the best costume to wear to work for Halloween.

Blue jeans and a T-shirt do not qualify as a costume.

I am not to accept candy as a form of payment.

I will refrain from asking my managers if there on crack, especially in front of customers.

I will refrain from informing management of there mistakes, its mine for not understanding there thinking behind it.

The customer is always right, unless there wrong in which case I cannot tell them I must count to ten really slowly and get someone else to talk to them.

It would not be funny if a customer bitch slapped any management figure.

I am not to encourage any such event.

I am not to tell management I would laugh and then call security when I was finished laughing if said event would ever occur. Most likely cause I wouldn't stop laughing for a long long time.

I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

I should refrain from listing to the voices in my head over management.

No, the pants are not optional.

I am not allowed to drive customer's cars around the garage in circles.

I am only allowed to drive a customer's vehicle directly into the garage in the shortest possible path, not the other way.

I do not need to drive in every cute girl's vehicle into the garage to see how nice it smells.

The only thing I may do to a customer's radio is turn it off.

I am not to perform a quality check on a sound system.

Nor am I to bump it while driving into the garage, no matter how funny it may look.

I am to write real problems on the Qsc's even if it's the customers real wording of a problem.

I may not challenge my coworkers to a stapler fight at dawn, especially if I'm not going to show up.

When a customer upsets me a proper response is not to threaten to kick them in the head.

Customers who swear, use vulgarity, and say rude or offensive things are not to be forwarded to Applebee's.

I am not allowed to forward any calls to the district manager's cell phone,

Nor my boss' or store managers.

If a customer comes in and says he's going to take the store to small claims court, I am not to mention our team of highly trained monkey lawyers will defeat him.

WHEN a customer comes in and threatens to sue the store (Happens more then you think) I am not to offer my services to help them in there case. Especially if I would be doing nothing legally wrong.

I am not allowed to play into a customers delusions that there is something wrong with there car.

If a customer comes in and smells of pot I do not have to call the cops out of moral obligation.

I'm only allowed to talk to customers to inform them about issues relating to there vehicle not for any other purpose.

I am not allowed to circulate internal memo's I am not a manager and don't need to tell everybody about every little thing.

My manager is allowed to listen in on my calls to quality check me, not the other way around.

If I suspect I'm being phone shopped I may not ask to be sure.

I must continue with the phone shop when it's obvious it is one, even though I'm busy as hell.

I must use my name when answering the phone, not anyone else's especially H. Simpson.

I am not allowed to rewrite the phone procedures, they were written for a good reason and I should follow them like everybody else.

I am not allowed to make up my own forms and insist everyone start using them.

There is not a hazing procedure for the new techs.

I am not allowed to barricade anyone in the break room with stacks of tires when they piss me off.

I am not allowed to store use anything anymore, unless I have the express written permission from the store operations manager.

Sony and Hollywood do not have a satellite in orbit to steal my ideas for cool new products and movies, even though they come out with nearly identical products a year after I think of them.

I am not allowed to theorize why it would suck to be a 2 dimensional being on paper ever again; it has nothing to do with my neither job nor evolution.

I am not allowed to write un-recognized holidays on the calendar.

SAB (Slap a Bitch) is not a holiday nor should it ever be celebrated at work.

I am not allowed to use the tire markers for anything but there intended purpose.

I am not allowed to use the label maker ever again.

I am not allowed to fine coworkers for leaving the counter a mess when they leave.

I am not allowed into the back shop anymore.

I will refrain from sneaking up on co-workers.

I will refrain from hanging around and just talking to co-workers while there working, even if I'm not clocked in.

I will refrain from imitating anything I saw in a Madonna video.

I will refrain from doing anything I saw in a cartoon once.

Security does not keep a profile on me and I should stop demanding they show it to me.

It is not acceptable to place shoe size or wide width stickers on the happy area of my pants.
-This is the one that got me "Released" so I wouldn't recommend doing this-

User Reviews

Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-04-26 22:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I cracked up, even if no one else did.

Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-04-26 21:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:08:52 (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-23 03:48:31 (#)
Ranking: 0

This really was worse than spam's post.

Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Blah

Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-23 03:48:31 (#)
Ranking: 0

This really was worse than spam's post.

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-23 04:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

some good ones in there. Esp. w. the giggling for 10 minutes bit.

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-23 03:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

This really was worse than spam's post.

Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

wait. I get it. this was supposed to be funny.

Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1

'Their' not 'There'

I find it ironic that one of your statements was about speaking English.

Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-11-17 15:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Phew....

I read them all.... now my head hurts.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Good job Flanders

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I have had the week from hell.

This made me laugh so hard, I spewed soda on
my computer monitor. Thank you!!!

Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

123 Things Mike is no longer able to do at work: (Rating: -1 on 3 reviews, last by zakalwe 5 minutes ago)
Submitted by Fert (View user info) at 2004-11-17 12:58:51
123 Things Mike is no longer able to do at work: (Rating: 1.4 on 5 reviews, last by the_lone_stranger 9 minutes ago)
Submitted by Fert (View user info) at 2004-11-17 12:37:54

heh.

Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

well, fuck 'em. i laughed.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i like it because i used to be a car salesman too. read my car salesman post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/47393

apparently we ARE all scumbags.

Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Mike is no longer allowed to post this shit.

Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1

Shame surfing this site wasn't on the list.

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

This killin time
Is killin me
Drinkin myself blind
Thinkin I won't see
That when I cross that line
And they bury me
Well I just might find
I'll be killin time for eternity

-"Killin Time" by George Strait

Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Always a classic:

Die