The Official Newbie's Guide To Ubersite! (2663 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kai (View user info) at 2004-11-17 16:21:47 EST
Hello! Welcome to Ubersite! We are so glad you have taken time out of your busy day to
come and visit our little site on the 'net. Please, take a few moments to scan and commit
to memory this post and it's contents, to help ensure that your visit is a pleasant and
productive one. Press ctrl-d to bookmark. Before you know it, you'll be part of our happy family too.
My name is Kai. I, along with my best friend Bart, own Ubersite, and run it and maintain
it. I thought of it and designed the layout, and Bart the 'puter nerd makes it look so good.
Together we have created a forum for the popularization of creative thought and free
expression reign supreme, and the QUALITY of ALL the posts submitted by the public
are, well, awesome. We take great pride in all of our regular contributors who work so
hard to make Ubersite what it is today.
There are a few things you should know about Ubersite before you start posting, to help
facilitate your transformation from "NoOb" to well rounded Uberuser. These are things
everyone must eventually do to "Earn your wings" at Ubersite.
First, you may notice the conspicuous absence of any RULES. Simply stated, there are
none. We were worried at first, then pleasantly surprised and then AMAZED at how well
people behave when you do not fence them in with silly rules - after all, rules are made to
be broken! You will discover for yourself just how well like-minded individuals can work
and live together harmoniously in cyberspace; At Ubersite, issues such as racism, sexism,
political infighting, and even personality conflicts simply DO NOT EXIST! The idiots
weed themselves out almost immediately, as soon as they find out that there is nothing
here at Ubersite for them.... they go away.
The following is part dictionary, part glossary and part encyclopedia; you will also notice
that Uberusers (you included!) will hopefully also contribute your thoughts about how to
get the most out of Ubersite. So without further delay, I present you: The Official
Newbie's guide to Ubersite!
FIRST: the first thing you have to do is go through each and every one of these posts
(http://www.ubersite.com/u/kai070169) and give each post a rating of "+2" . Think of this
as your frat house pledge duty. This is more of a ritual than anything else, everyone does
it for good luck BEFORE posting a thing; think of it as Ubersite's literary version of
kissing the Blarney Stone, 'cept that once you are done, you will be an excellent
WRITER! Read the posts if you like, but you may want to speed scan and just get those
+2's out of the way ASAP so you can start posting. Please do not deviate from tradition, this is a MUST DO!
As a new poster, be sure to let everyone know that "This is my first post EVER" either in
your post's title or at the beginning of your first post; this will insure that your
contribution will receive MAXIMUM support from more well seasoned Uberusers, who are here to help, support and guide. Content of the post is secondary
to letting us know THIS IS YOUR FIRST POST. Think of it as a HUGE birthday party,
'cept you don't have to wait a year for it! For many users, their first post is their crowning
glory as well as sentimental favorite post. It's definitely something special.
Next is your camwhore. You'll notice that we aren't afraid of adult language here at
Ubersite; we use language and common vernacular (including expletives) in ALL it's
forms to it's maximum benefit. This also goes for photos. As a new family member, we'd
love to "see" you, so kindly post a picture. Ladies, please do your best to make it SEXY
(topless is fine if you're still too shy to get honest about your body). Men, all we ask is
that your photos NOT show an obvious erection, as we work to maintain a healthy
balance between NUDE and LEWD. Underage? Not a problem! Just don't make it an
overtly sexual pose. We will always accept you for who you are, and that which you one
day hope to become.
Speaking of Images, kindly keep in mind that many people will be AT WORK when
reading your posts. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE place the letters "NSFW" (Newbie, safe
for work) in the title of your post if there is NO ADULT CONTENT, otherwise those
readers at work will NOT READ your post, under the assumption that there may be
something naughty there that the boss might object to. Once folks get to know you, you
won't have to do this, but keep it in mind for new. Let's play safe! REMEMBER: pic of
your new labia piercing - FINE! Pic of your kitten playing with a ball of string: NSFW!
NSFW! NSFW! Why post it if you don't want as many people as possible to read it?
NEWBIE - SAFE FOR WORK!
Of course, the best way to learn is by DOING: get your post up as SOON as
you can! Rush it! Be sure to look for these handy dandy senior Uberusers to
guide you along the way - they have all the answers!
Chippolate: Ubersite's conscience, always on the lookout for new posters
who need help and encouragement with new posts, and to applaud the
longtime users who struggle with producing quality material on a consistent
basis. Read his archives, it's all excellent - and be sure to look for his
response on your first post!
Shlongy: another top notch writer, he's professional but won't name his
publisher. We're just glad to have him! A definite asset to Ubersite!
Koolmag: His name says it all! Probably Ubersite's most inspired AND
inspirational writer, and the subject of countless posts. Only Koolmang can
reconcile the irony in making a universal appeal to ban free speech.
Melissaitdoesntmatteranymore.at.hotmail.com : A relatively new user who has amazed
us all with her wit and insight, as well as super writing style. *NOTE* many Uberusers
include their e mail addresses in their names, feel free to contact them with love letters,
questions, or Internet offers which you feel may interest them.
DonkeyOnTheEdge: our resident authority on all matters spiritual, including cosmology,
ontology, and the obtuse sciences. A Hawking-level genius who has made his brain
available to all of us, and we thank him!
Fat Tony: Metrosexuality got you down? Fat Tony's the MAN to help strike a balance in
this crazy gender bending world of ours. And he makes looking good look so easy....
Degreeless Capibera: A real sweetheart who loves to love. Once she takes you by the
hand, she will never let go! A great source for inspiration, or just a chat when you are
feeling down.
Caulaincourt: AKA Mr. Nice Guy. French Canadian/ Pseudo European, what he lacks in
proper hygiene he makes up for with sheer writing genius. Gotcha!
Bigmike: Who says you can't recover from sexual abuse? As both a past victim and
victimizer, Bigmike knows the tough road, and shares his insights. Just read his posts on
his anal reconstruction surgery (how he lived with an injury like that for years, I will
never know!) and you will understand how luck we are to have him with us today....
Lojope: Ubersite's badass biker girl, often criticized for outrageous "SHOCK" posts that
lack insight and feminine touches... but we still love her. What she lacks in talent she
makes up for with a GREAT camwhore...
I could go on & on, but the rest is for you to explore! Be sure to check out the comments
attached to this post for additional kind words of encouragement as well as other insights
as to how to get the most out of Ubersite. And most importantly of all, HAVE A NICE
DAY!
User Reviews
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2007-01-06 12:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*albino*
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2007-01-06 12:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's say I'm a 15 year old person who happens to look like a 21 year old person. Let's say that then let's also say that I put up a picture of myself holding my genitals or something nasty like a butthole shot or maybe even a money shot on another person who is, let's say 15, as well. Let's say that again and then say "hey where did the abino go hoo haa hoo haa I like beans and christmas time hoo haa hoo haa."
Then what? Who gets in trouble and who doesn't? What would happen to this web site if such an atrocity were to happen and what would happen to all the people that viewed said post.
Would it matter if it were labled nsfw?
I do not intend to do anything of the sort and would not suggest that anyone does either. Just a hypothetical question that arose while I was reading this.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-06 11:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First time i've seen this.
I'm older than you, so STFU n00b.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this gets a +2 for "newbie" safe for work
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sarcasm, thy name is Kai
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:11:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
? I try to be an honest as possible.
Nothing is more honest than saying that I am love with a girl, that is younger than I, by 4 years...
I am under 20...
I never would have expected it, but I guess when you know someone for a long time, shit sneaks up on you.
-----------------------------------------
Uh, what?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-28 12:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arew you fookin kidding im drinuk
Submitted by ronin828 (user info) at 2005-04-16 08:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
On the dildo scale, a +2
In the real world, ------------------------2
Asshole
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-16 08:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Question - when do I cease to be a noob?
Am I there yet? Am I there yet?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-16 08:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sick of seeing this one posted everywhere.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-15 23:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for all your help!
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-03-22 23:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shmeddie (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh,sure -NOW you tell me. Fine. I'll consider myself chastised. Thank you, may I have another?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
'As a new poster, be sure to let everyone know that "This is my first post EVER" either in
your post's title or at the beginning of your first post; this will insure that your
contribution will receive MAXIMUM support from more well seasoned Uberusers'
- hahahaha, good one. shame i didnt spot the irony first time i read this
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Habeeb says he didn't understand the rules the first time round and wants a 2nd chance - Unban Habeeb!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just wish i'd read this months ago
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-31 11:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har...
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-31 09:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking homo.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-31 01:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great!
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first I couldn't understand why this didn't have NSFW for work in the title, as I couldn't see any adult content. And then I noticed that you've ended with a huge pussy.
I'm cooler than you.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-24 03:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:46:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT OLAS!!!!
---------------------
Um, Vivian? We know that's you.
Really. You're not very sneaky.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT SIDEBURNS.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol great stuff
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You = The Man
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-19 11:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:37:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:08:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry BigMike - I promised I wouldn't mention the surgery again, but I needed the content...
I'm still trying to figure out how I got on this post. You could have at least picked on Mick or Bart. :)
Now whenever I think of Lojope, I am going to hear "Born to be Wild" in the background.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As well you should, Mike. As well you should.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:08:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry BigMike - I promised I wouldn't mention the surgery again, but I needed the content...
I'm still trying to figure out how I got on this post. You could have at least picked on Mick or Bart. :)
Now whenever I think of Lojope, I am going to hear "Born to be Wild" in the background.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-11-18 05:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh NOW you tell me all the stuff that would've helped when I started.. ahh. I managed..
good writing.. but..
you didn't mention me (sob)
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-18 03:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dervel is the bestest at everything"
----
Best quote ever. Well done, good work.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What impressed me the most was that there isn't one single swear word or curse in the entire post. That's a first for me, I think!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-17 23:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:25:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
If only Uber had a welcoming committee...
_____________
These days, the newbies bring their own. "Oh, guys, I post on a website! Come read my stuff and you can all post too!"
This post was funny as fuck.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-17 23:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAA only you can get away with this.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 22:33:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, no. NOW WE'RE DONE.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-17 22:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound as if you've won something. I'm taking the opportunity to say:
Get Cancer and Die.
That's all...we're done.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 21:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh! A few friends, and no damned cats!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 21:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well ya know Chip, now that I have your attention, I doubt there will be any more problems... I've been through this before.
My unbalanced approach to you has gotten you to shitcan the stupid comments for once & call for an ease in tension. Mission accomplished. I mean, I'm glad you thought of it...
And by the way, my effrort on this post? About a 1.5 on a scale of 1-10, which is about average. Strange how all of a sudden effort doesn't count in your highly impartial "I only rate the post (content & effort), not the author" creedo. Or was it just your flawed perception that made you rage against my posts?
AAh, peace in the Ubersite Valley. I love it! I owe Chip a Pabst if he makes it to Vegas next year.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-17 21:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks so for the Cliff notes. For weeks I've stared blankly at NSFW, puzzling.
Did it stand for Nasty Stuff Fair Warning? New Strange Female Writing? Never Steal From Wal-Mart? With your post, you've scratched an itch I couldn't reach.
Let me now bask in the afterglow.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe how much you've gotten your panties in a twist about me -2ing you. Do you have any friends that aren't cats? I pity them, if you do.
Seriously though, chill out.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot. God thats hot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Apparently you're not...you're just a dipshit- I've been telling you that for months.
I, on the other hand, am well on my way to "legend" status. Read it and weep, shitforbrains.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You forgot me you congested bastard
I am an uber legend
-2 die
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 19:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry BigMike - I promised I wouldn't mention the surgery again, but I needed the content...
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good. The name dropping wasn't necessary, but it didn't detract TOO much from the post.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT OLAS!!!!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was genius..
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Anal reconstructive surgery.
That's the funniest thing I've read all day, well except for this:
"and give each post a rating of "+2" . Think of this
as your frat house pledge duty. This is more of a ritual than anything else, everyone does
it for good luck BEFORE posting a thing; think of it as Ubersite's literary version of
kissing the Blarney Stone, 'cept that once you are done, you will be an excellent
WRITER! Read the posts if you like, but you may want to speed scan and just get those
+2's out of the way ASAP so you can start posting. Please do not deviate from tradition, this is a MUST DO!"
Good thing none of those +2's will count.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If only Uber had a welcoming committee...
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-11-17 18:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
? I try to be an honest as possible.
Nothing is more honest than saying that I am love with a girl, that is younger than I, by 4 years...
I am under 20...
I never would have expected it, but I guess when you know someone for a long time, shit sneaks up on you.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM Mr.Nice Guy. I'm the only honest person on ubersite.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why'd I get mentioned?
I think I've tossed you some +2's when they were warranted.
Is it because Shlongy is "Must See Uber"?
Either way, I don't really give a shit.
I'm even increasing my rating.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally someone recognizes my midget tossing as spiritual.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez, what about "donitsu2002" the creator of all things Awesome IE: UberDirectory!
shafted yet again... *sigh*
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:02:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
All that namedropping, and not so much as a reference to me! I'm going to go to my room, cry, and write poetry about how the world doesn't appreciate me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually had a hard time picking who I would use - don't wanna give fame to idiots and didn't wanna tease anyone who couldn't take it. You're too civilized and likeable to taunt!
Chippolate -2'd me and insinuated that all I do are picture posts, so I wrote this for him.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh come on! I'm badass! Seriously! Guys? Don't you think I'm badass?
....Guys?
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Impressive. I could've used something like this when I signed up!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rule.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All that namedropping, and not so much as a reference to me! I'm going to go to my room, cry, and write poetry about how the world doesn't appreciate me.
Submitted by Asylem (user info) at 2004-11-17 17:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture is what did it.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
As a "noob" id like to say this is a great site, i found it by accident and have found somewhere to post my crappy writing ty.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ah yes, a fresh young pussy.
oh i'm fucking hilarious, because it's actually just a kitten. har har. i hate my job.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4:38 PM..... I'm going to hurt someone before 5.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Did I just get insulted?
Did I sense just a small hint of sarcasm?
Hmmmmmmm....This wasn't bad though.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed, you show once again that you are at the top of the ladder. But, watch your it's and its...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loser
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was ready to rate this down with a barrage of 2- when i read the first two paragraphs, but then i read the rest.
Funny stuff.
Submitted by Arafat.of.the.land (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cripes. fuckedcompany eat your heart out.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
slowlyritting, my long-time friend, have I ever let you down before? READ THE FUCKING THING - I WROTE IT JUST FOR YOU!
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-11-17 16:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!