Interview with a Vampire and booooobs! (1744 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (View user info) at 2004-11-17 20:11:17 EST
If you ask me, Tom Cruise just isn't believable as a vampire. Seriously, would the Navy let a vampire reach its upper echelons of aviation? Certainly not! I don't know if it was the three Benadryl and six Sudafed that I just took doing the thinking, or me, but last week I decided that I needed to interview my own vampire.
Where the Hell do you find a vampire...especially one who would talk on record? I started the first place anyone starts when they need to start starting something - the interweb. After a short time searching, I discovered that there was Vampire porn! Online! For free! Sweet! Well, six hours later, the day was over and I was ready to cry myself to sleep watching the Lifetime movie of the week...Uh, I mean, "I pounded like 17 beers, had a threesome (with girls!), and passed out."
When I awoke, I had a rumbling downstairs (if you know what I mean) that clearly said, "Feed us gorditas for breakfast or learn the meaning of pain!" Well, I'm not one to argue, so I headed for the old mall. And when I say "the old mall," it kind of means that there's a newer mall. This is the one that has the Christian book store, the yarn store, and the place that airbrushes cool Chevy vans onto t-shirts. After eating, I picked up my new "Haulin' Ass" flannel, and was headed back to the car when I saw her.
Surrounded by those annoying drippy candles, patches of the flavor-of-the-week punk band, and the token 1976 tour Dead shirts that the 14 year olds love to wear, she sat on a stool, examining her exquisitely black painted fingernails. Of course! The chick who works at the incense, band shirt, UV-poster store! She MUST be a vampire!
Executing this interview would take all of the +3 smoothness that I could muster. I read that vampires were very charismatic (and, from the pictures I saw, like to get naked in basements) and I figured that if I approached her in kind, things would go smoother. Apparently, kids today aren't wearing Diamond Head t-shirts (strike one), and my search for a totally awesome Pyromania shirt tuned up nil (strike two), so I approached the counter doing my best Travolta strut.
I put both hands, palms down, on the counter and looked into the glass case below.
"How much is that Zippo with the pot leaf on it?" She pointed at the sign on the counter that I had conveniently ignored: Zippo Lighters - 18 bucks - must be 18, punk. It really said punk.
"OK, how about that ring that looks like a dragon....can I try that on?" She got up off her stool and as she bent over I got me two eye scoops of vampire boobies. "Must be nice to work here...I bet you have all your nights free."
"Uh, yeah."
"Could you try this on? I think it might fit my girlfriend." She slipped the ring over her thumb and held her hand out on the counter. Seeing my opportunity, I grabbed her hand in mine. It was cold! She was a vampire!
"What's it like to stalk the night and sleep in a coffin?" She recoiled in horror, which, in hindsight was probably from my hot sauce covered hand rather than my line of Stone Phillips aggressive questioning.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" This didn't sound quite as Renaissance as I had hoped.
"You feed on the living! Tell me all about it?"
"I'll tell you to get the fuck out of my store." There was a cool hawk-holding-a-blade-in-its-beak sword behind her that looked rather ominous, but instead she reached for a soda cup next to her. She's drinking blood right in front of me. My mind went into overload.
"Then what's in that cup?"
"You really wanna see?"
"Yes!" For the love of God, yes.
"Here!" The thrust the cup at my face, and following a graceful arc, its contents splashed over my face and chest. I wish this had been a movie, because I would have had them film it in wicked-slow-motion so I could have captured the "Nooooooooooooooo." Awesome (Say it in the slow motion voice if you don't believe me.)
Now that I was covered in blood, and most likely vampire backwash, I ran to the nearest store, which happened to be the Christian book store. The store owner, who also ran the Radio Shack next door, had rigged up a motion sensor so a voice told you that Jesus loved you whenever you broke the plane of the store.
"Oh God, save me, I'm turning into a vampire!" I yelled at the obviously started clerk. "She splashed blood on me!" I fell into the manliest of fetal positions and started rocking back and forth.
"MY BLOOD IS BOILING!" I screamed. "CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?"
He walked over and pulled me, still screaming and rocking, to my feet.
"It's iced tea, you freak. Get the fuck out of my store."
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-08 11:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This IS good. Another diamond in the rough.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What's it like to stalk the night and sleep in a coffin?" She recoiled in horror, which, in hindsight was probably from my hot sauce covered hand rather than my line of Stone Phillips aggressive questioning.
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Now this comment is nothing short of great!
See, you should have gone for the subtle approach!
Nicely done!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-15 16:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty okay
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Nooooooooooooooo." Awesome (Say it in the slow motion voice if you don't believe me.)
HEE HEE HEE!CLASSIC!
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kinda rule.
(I was gonna add something incidental about how I also thought Tom was all wrong for the part, being a die hard Rice fan and all, till I saw him on screen.... well I guess i did mention it.) Your post are too few and far between. +++++++
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"the manliest of fetal positions"
haha!
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's iced tea, you freak."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:22:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the encouragement guys
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-18 06:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great, I love this style of comedy.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-18 05:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nooooooooooooooo."
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-18 05:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
-Davros
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good.
I think the best part was where the owner of the Christian book store calls you a freak and tells you to get the fuck out of his store.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 again cuz that just ruled SO hard.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:45:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
You, sir, are amazing.
----
no no no...it's AWESOME Johnson...not AMAZING Johnson.
Although that does have a nice ring to it. Perhaps my new moniker will be Amazing Johnson.
yes...yes it will
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-17 23:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's how it's done... dayum! I laughed, I cried (because of the laughing).
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-17 23:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Executing this interview would take all of the +3 smoothness that I could muster.
--------------------------------
ROFLHYENA
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-17 22:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vampires suck. But when they have boobs they suck even better.
This post validates your Ubername.
(Gotta get out my Vampirella comic books now. And I was just getting over her.)
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-17 22:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You, sir, are amazing.
______
stay for the pie
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, six hours later, the day was over and I was ready to cry myself to sleep watching the Lifetime movie of the week...Uh, I mean, "I pounded like 17 beers, had a threesome (with girls!), and passed out."
=================
You had me there. It got better.
You, sir, are amazing.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That goddamn Jezebelle bloodsucker used her "Vampyre Magik" to change that poor fuckers blood to a refreshing summer beverage!
Do these fuckers have no shame!!!
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vampires is da quaaaziest peeples.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I came here to see the boobs.
They sucked.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-17 20:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin Funny Johnson