i pwn n00bs (2219 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.06 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DJMattB241 (View user info) at 2004-11-18 00:43:35 EST
i pwn n00bs, and now you can too!
It started off simpl enough. I was having a conversation with ComicBookGuy, and, you know, it came up that i totally pwn n00bs. He said he wanted to be cool like me, and maybe it would lead to scoring with the ladies more often?
So i said "sure!" and set about telling him how to den00bify. Then it occured to me that i would end up telling all kinds of people this advice, so why not make a post about it?
Step 1) Pick your gametype
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Basically there are two types of games: Games where you control multiple units, and games where you control one unit.
The multiple unit games usually come in the form of RTS (real time strategy), where you're in control of an entire army, that you build up and upgrade yourself. You sort of play the "overseer."
The single unit games largely come in the FPS (first person shooter) category, although there is the bastard stepchild MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game).
So once you've chosen FPS's as your gametype (unless you're ghey, then i can't help you, and you can just go play WarCraft 5:Ghey Orcs!!1 or Command and Connquer My Ass, and leave us regular folk alone), you're ready to move onto the next step.
Step 2) Pick your game
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A wise man once said, "If you want to pwn, you must pwn at all games." While this is true, it's stupid to start off playing ALL games. Who has that kind of money? Nobody, that's who. So pick one, get good at it, and move on.
There are basically two types of FPS's on the market: those with real-life imitated guns, and those with futuristic sci-fi guns. This comes down to personal preference.
If you're over the age of 80, or are missing 1 or more arms, then stick to the real-life games, such as CounterStrike or Battlefield: Lojo's Ass. These games have realistic timed shots, slow plodding movement, limited action, and are chock full of "OMG LEET SNIPER HAXORS!!!11"
If you've got a need for fucking SPEED, then stick to your huge awesome tricked out kick ass futuristic FPS's. The entire Quake series falls into this one, as does Unreal Tournament, and (uh..) Halo.
Personally I prefer Unreal Tournament 2004. Nothing says "dude i fucked your shit UP" like smearing a guy on the pavement with a Manta. Or doing a double jump wall dodge headshot.
Anyways, so once you download the demo for Unreal Tournament 2004, you then have to find me online and allow me to teach you how to be not a n00b in person.
Sound the bell. School's in, sucker!
Another wise man once said: "You can like, take a n00b to like, water, but you can't like, make a n00b drink... you know?"
I've given you all I can give from here.
The rest... is up to you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love j00 Matt, but you betta recinize WarCraft, Beotch!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-18 10:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When you die in counter strike you don't respawn until the round is over.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-18 10:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
its great that no one took my mocking of other games too seriously...
I've head in counterstrike that when you die you have to wait 10 seconds to respawn.
is this true?
that would ruin a game for me.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-18 10:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love Unreal 2004, I hardly get to play though. I only have gotten bout half way through the regular game. Now if I do play it's only online so I can play a quick game and leave. I'll look you up the next time. It's obvious what my name is, my avatar? Homer Simpson...oh yea!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is true, shlongy. Video games do re-enforce my love for you. But they are just a catalyst, not the source, of my burning lust for your hot gentleman's body.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-18 09:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's been confirmed, by the genius' at NASA, that playing computer games is for fags, geeks, and virgins, and continued play guarantees you will remain one.
I mean, professorfucktard is all the evidence that you need to know that this is true.
Submitted by The_T_Man (user info) at 2004-11-18 08:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Counterstrike is a very fast game. In fact, most of the realistic games kick ass too. What makes the realistic games as good. Simple. In DoD you get a bolt action rifle...with a bayonet! That way you can charge old-school. You run up lob the grenade, jump into your enemy and slash his intestines out. Anyone who can pwn with a bolt-action rifle in DoD, or Battlefield 1942, or anything else (except for the awp in Counterstrike that thing is for pussies)for that matter deserves respect.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-18 08:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-11-18 02:47:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
No idea what you're talking about, but I like the RTS games like Warcraft and Starcraft.
I gave up on Battlefield: Lojo's Ass because it was just too easy.
Oooh... I hope she doesn't see that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Haha! Please. You know you gave up because you keep getting distracted by Level 3: Get In Durae's Pants.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-18 08:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i'd like to remind you that the terms "pwn" and "n00bs" came from games like Warcraft and Starcraft. You Halo worshipers better recognize!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-18 07:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have been playing cs:source all day. Soon as half life 2 emporio has finished downloading i will be able to play that as well.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-18 07:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HL2.
Playing it.
Not sleeping.
Hands shake.
Trousers damp.
Boxers brown.
Seat laminated.
Floor covered.
Mother pissed.
TV fried.
Urine soaked.
Through floor.
My fault.
Damn games.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-18 05:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all like a foreign language to me but +2 for the picture.
Is that an actual game? Online?
The graphics look cool.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-18 03:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe it was called battlefield:pockmarked shitstained crater
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-11-18 02:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No idea what you're talking about, but I like the RTS games like Warcraft and Starcraft.
I gave up on Battlefield: Lojo's Ass because it was just too easy.
Oooh... I hope she doesn't see that.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-18 02:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu sucked until I saw the avatar. Now you rock.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-11-18 02:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lousy n00bs...always getting pwned.
Not having a very fast/good computer, I stick with slightly older games, like Alien VS Predator 2. But that is still a very fun game. Look for Boogiekillya. Or my friends, Shermokillyou and Dockillyou.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2004-11-18 02:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get cable... Your ping will be like 50-60.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
going to play some UT2k4 ONSLAUGHT.
If anyone wants to join me, add *TheVoid to your buddy list. with the *
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that was just a freak accident.
honestly, my ping is usually 150 or so.
no one believes me.
i wouldn't believe me either if i was getting killed by HEADSHOTS all the time.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
UT2004 kicks ass... Although if I get my ass handed to me once more in Invasion, there's gonna be a mass murder.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
gotta question ur pwnage when everyone elses ping is like 8 times yours
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This +1 is for Bender and Bender only.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Best way to pwn n00bs is to tell them how you are playing a cracked game on an official server, whilst they paid $50 for the privelege.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you have the lowest ping there asshole
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
UT 2004 Rocks i play that and drink so much beer i can pass out in my chair, i play Vietcong too but i like to be serious about that one and not drink so much, well thats a lie ive passed out playing that too.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am complete
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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