Tom vs. A Charger Girl (3206 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.97 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-11-18 14:30:15 EST
When I was in the Navy, I was stationed in San Diego. A few of the guys in the squadron lived off-base, in an apartment complex that happened to also house several members of the San Diego Chargers cheerleaders. One Saturday night, the guys decided to stage a little get together at their apartment.
As many of you current and former military folk here at Über know, military parties tend to get a little "out of hand". And of course, things tend to get REALLY out of hand whenever my friend Tom is prominently involved. So, as my fate seems to always go, Tom and Nick flew out to visit for the week.
Wow, what a shock. Things started out very pleasantly. We brewed up a few batches of Jungle Juice, people showed up, people got hammered, people laughed at each others perceived faults. A good time was being had by all. Nick was positively unobtrusive, and Tom was in the thick of things, laughing and having a wonderful time. Until the Cheerleaders showed up.
Now, this is in no way meant to disparage ALL professional cheerleaders, but these women were complete bitches. But let's be fair to them, they were exceptionally stunning to look at. There was a group of five or six of them, and it became completely obvious within the first 5 minutes that they had crashed the party in the aims of making fun of all of us homely looking, destitute Navy boys. Clearly they had never done it before, because as any military man will tell you, don't ever make fun of a group of military men to their faces. They will then make it their mission in life to heckle and demean you until you fucking cry. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just saying, that's the way it is.
Some choice exchanges during the party:
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Cheerleader: I would have thought this apartment complex was too expensive for military people.
Military: Yeah, well, four of us are going in on this place.
C: Really? I live in one of these apartments all by myself.
M: That's probably for the best.
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M: Hi, I'm Tony.
C: Don't talk to me.
M: No problem.
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C: What a bunch of losers here.
M: Shut up, whore.
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C: I could just go to the Volcano Club. Why am I here with all these ugly guys?
M: Because you're fucking stupid.
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C: Nice shirt.
M: Nice smell, fishbox.
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Now, to his credit, Tom held back from Berserker Mode for almost the entire night. Then one particularly dim bulb girl thought it would be funny to lead Tom on and then ridicule him in front of everyone. So she walked right up to him and started talking to him. I didn't say a word. I thought (and who wouldn't?), 'Hmmm, this ought to be entertaining'.
C: Hi
T: Uh, hi.
C: I'm Allie.
T: Tom.
C: So Tom, what do you do?
T: I go to school.
C: Really? I go to San Diego State. Where do you go?
T: Sandhills.
C: I've never heard of that. Where is that?
T: North Carolina
C: Wow, North Carolina. What are you doing out here?
T: Yeah, see that guy over there?
C: You mean the ugly tall guy with the man boobs?
T: Yeah, that's Jimbo. My buddy Nick and I are out here visiting.
C: So, what are you majoring in?
T: Um, I haven't decided yet. Right now I'm just sort of getting my general ed requirements out of the way.
C: Wait a second. Is Sandhills a Community College?
T: Yeah. Why?
C: AHAHAHA!! YOU GO TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE!! WHAT A LOSER!! AAAAAHAHAHA!!
The whole place went silent. Not because anyone aside from me and Nick knew what was coming, but because the girl was shouting in such a shrill, annoying manner that you couldn't help but stop what you were doing and observe the event unfolding. Tom's face grew downright malevolent and he whispered in a most disturbing manner:
"What's that you said?"
C: "YOU GO TO A COMM-"
T: "BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAWWW!!!"
And Tom heaved an entire pitcher of Jungle juice directly into the Cheerleader's face. Of course, it went into her mouth, choking her. It went up her nose, suffocating her. And it went into her eyes, blinding her. Suddenly she was staggering all around the room like a drunken chimp, desperately trying to make it out to the back patio. As she was gagging on Jungle Juice and fiercely rubbing her eyes, she ran face first into the sliding glass door, sending her to the floor in a pathetic heap. As she lay there helpless, her cheerleader friends rushed to her aid, while the rest of us laughed our collective balls off.
Because that's what you get for fucking with Tom.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-01 00:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 09:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
re-read it, not vomit at all..
but +2 anyways, becuase she deserved it.
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for choking the bitch with vomit.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-08 19:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boo yah, bitches!
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-02-22 12:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-01-22 08:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man. Please tell me this was a really, really long time ago and Tom lives no where even close to Pinehurst anymore. I'm scared.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-22 08:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me wanna fuck eskimos in the steaming jungles of Brunei.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-11-24 10:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:55:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever get tired of Tom stories, you can slap me.
i second that
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heehee. I don't like cheerleaders.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that Jungle Juice stuff looks pretty potent. She still has part of that wall stuck to her face.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 Tom, and I can't wait to use some of those insults.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badass
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-18 19:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is awesome.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-18 18:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Navy boys are sooo much cooler than cheerleaders.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-18 18:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So, after this, did she finally relent and fuck Tom?
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-18 18:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAH nice. Go Tom.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom - 1
Cheerleaders - 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:56:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:43:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed your Tom stories.
------------------------------
I will have to go back now and check these out.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:43:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed your Tom stories.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever get tired of Tom stories, you can slap me.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"homely looking, destitute Navy boys"
I doubt that very much. If I were at that party,
I'd would have kicked little Ms. Cheerleaders
ass.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jungle Juice, from http://www.ubersite.com/m/34368
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jungle Juice?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom is teh r0xxorz!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take a wild guess here, but was the apartment complex 'La Mirage'?
Because I've been to THOSE parties!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's right. We'll sit and heckle you until you cry. Just because its more fun than monopoly.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must use some of those lines.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed your Tom stories.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C: What a bunch of losers here.
M: Shut up, whore.
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AWESOME
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-18 14:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
M: Hi, I'm Tony.
C: Don't talk to me.
M: No problem.
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Best line ever to use with stuck up whores. Jimbo you are the man!