A Verbal Bitch-Slapping For the Ages: A Story of Testicular Retreat (1577 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.79 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-11-18 15:40:40 EST
You meet all kinds of crazy people at college. They exist in the day time, but the great ones come out at night when you begin injecting copious amounts of alcohol into their bloodstreams.
I walked into a party one Friday night and saw that instead of people playing regular drinking games that we all know and love, these people seemed to be trying to come up with new ones. After losing a few rounds of "Whoever finishes four shots slowest has to drink" I thought of a good one.
"How about we play an insult game?" I suggested. "You know, two people try to insult each other as much as they can without any restrictions. If the crowd deems an insult worthy, they tell the person who got insulted to drink."
The people there seemed to like my idea, but they also wanted me to go first. Alright, I thought. It couldn't be that bad.
The crowd of people also wanted some guy named Jake to play. He was about medium-sized with blonde hair and a large amount of unkempt facial hair. We stood in the middle of the room with the crowd around us and I waited for him to start.
"Looks like we've got a real dipshit on our hands here," said Jake. "I'll bet you thought it was just some strange coincidence that your parents had the same last names didn't you?"
"I..."
"Drink!" The crowd interrupted me with their roar of approval. I drank my beer and tried to move on from this initial setback with my own insult.
I said, "You are so ugly...um...that..." I realized that the alcohol was starting to really affect me. "You're an ugly bastard."
Jake laughed. "Oh that was a good one, chief. Your insults pack about as much punch as a double arm amputee."
"Drink!"
"Are you beginning to realize how pathetic you are at this?" Jake asked as I was drinking. When I finished he added, "The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket, you fagosexual."
"Drink!"
I finished the second drink and said, "I...you...did you just call me a fagosexual?" I was getting pretty drunk and I couldn't think of any insults.
"You don't even have the dim flicker of intelligence required to qualify as an imbecile," Jake said. "I mean I'd beat the shit out of you, but I'm not sure your brain could process the pain."
"But...I'm actually pretty smart..."
"Drink!"
Jake didn't pause for a second. "Your sister's bedroom has an on-deck circle."
"Drink!"
"You're a shining example of why pregnant women shouldn't work with plutonium."
"Drink!"
"Someone needs to spread toothpaste on their knuckles and punch you in the mouth."
"Drink!"
"It looks like you were spawned by a weird strand of a mutated chromosome as a result of your father humping the decaying carcass of a beached sperm whale right before he humped your mother in a dumpster behind Hooters two days before he accidentally committed suicide by bungee jumping off a bridge without a rope."
"Drink!"
That's when my drunken mind grew clear for an instant of total consciousness. I had the perfect insult!
I said, "I...I have more intelligence in my little finger than you've got in your big finger." I awaited the glorious roar of the crowd telling my opponent that he had to drink like an Irishman, but nobody made any noise. They all just stared at me.
What the hell had I just said? That insult seemed like an amazing back-breaker in my head, but it turns out I'm just a humungous idiot.
"Well," said Jake. "We've got a real winner on our hands. If you keep this up, you have the potential to one day become one of Mcdonalds' 50,000 best burger-flippers."
Shit.
"Drink!"
"I give!" I cried when I had finished drinking. "You win, I give up." I was so drunk at this point that I could barely stand up.
One of Jake's friends patted me on the back and said, "This was probably the most one-sided clobbering since Rodney King. You're a good sport, man."
"Well," said Jake. "I kind of hoped you would have at least put up the tiniest bit of a girlish struggle before throwing yourself to the floor crying, 'Take me now!'"
"Hey," I said. "I...am drunk."
I can't quite remember how I got home, but I sure as hell can remember getting verbally raped by some guy named Jake. Each insult he spewed caused my testicles to inch back a little further into my body to avoid collateral damage. By the time I left, they had dug so far back that they'd grown pretty chummy with my tonsils.
I lost my dignity that night, but at least I got unbelievably drunk.
User Reviews
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2005-04-14 22:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the best thing ive read in months
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:56:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
**I witnessed this Irish roomate I lived with crush a beer bottle against my other other anglo canadian roomate's forehead. The blood was flow was so bad, the anglo started crying. All I did is stand around and look at the ongoing retardedness unfolding before me.**
The Irish making the English cry while the French stand there and shake their head and (no doubt) roll their eyes. If that's not a microcosm of Western European relations, I don't know what is.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-14 22:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had forgot how I liked Jake...hahahaha
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-22 11:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Burp. Meh.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-11-19 01:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta give you credit for being able to admit getting your ass verbally destroyed by a dirtball. Great story and idea
Submitted by kochier (user info) at 2004-11-19 00:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man he had some good insults, but the finger thing was pretty funny, think I'll use that some time.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**I witnessed this Irish roomate I lived with crush a beer bottle against my other other anglo canadian roomate's forehead. The blood was flow was so bad, the anglo started crying. All I did is stand around and look at the ongoing retardedness unfolding before me.**
The Irish making the English cry while the French stand there and shake their head and (no doubt) roll their eyes. If that's not a microcosm of Western European relations, I don't know what is.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting stupidly drunk is always worth +2.
This story backs it up.
Good Stuff.
-Davros
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty damn funny. I will have to remember that game, unfortunatly I will never remember the rest.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:22:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The first insult would be met with 'Can yer mother sew? Get her to stitch this!' followed by the sound of a bottle breaking over someone's head."
pahahahhahaha. I witnessed this Irish roomate I lived with crush a beer bottle against my other other anglo canadian roomate's forehead. The blood was flow was so bad, the anglo started crying. All I did is stand around and look at the ongoing retardedness unfolding before me. It was pretty interesting to see people unevolve.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:07:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm starting to like you a lot.
----
..I like YOU tinactin.
Wanna go campin?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-18 20:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm starting to like you a lot.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-18 18:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Shit
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-18 18:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**You see, the average Scotsman would've smashed a bottle over his opponent's head before he got too much of an advantage.**
That's pretty much how the Irish version would go too. The first insult would be met with 'Can yer mother sew? Get her to stitch this!' followed by the sound of a bottle breaking over someone's head.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahhahaa awesome.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, the average Scotsman would've smashed a bottle over his opponent's head before he got too much of an advantage. That and we'd only get drunk after we'd downed all the alcohol on the premises- just ask any US soldier who's had to go up against the Royal Marines in a drinking competition.
Submitted by Sarcasticus (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a fantastic drinking game.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True, true...
You don't think of uber in the real world?
For shame!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. I'll have to remember those insults... until I become too drunk to recall them and have my ass handed to me, just like you.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
munkey, the problem is that most uber insults aren't insulting to a normalite.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
munkey,
I was drunk! And this guy was quick. After the game, I think I heard him say, "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!" to some of his friends. Also, unlike Jared, I don't think about Ubersite much outside of Ubersite.
Zing?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOHOHOHOHO
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh come on now, Jan. I am disappointed. Aren't you the one who compiled
a -2 listing? You're a friggin' uberer. There are insults worth gold all over the
place here.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like one of these drinking games where once you lose once you just keep on losing.
Wait ... they're all like that! Shit.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My dilemma: If I put in too many details, Ubersite gets bored. If I put in too few, Ubersite gets angry.
Thank God for the review space. I was with three (3) friends who weren't drinking nearly as much as I was. I get shit for it often.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about surrendering. I should know.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who paid for the drinks? Who made up those insults? You, or Jake, mister 'I was too drunk to remember anything but being insulted'.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your insults pack about as much punch as a double arm amputee"
That my friend, is some funny shit!