Disturbing Things Girls Have Told or Done to Me (156002 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.76 on 195 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2004-11-18 21:00:28 EST
Since the age of 4, when, in preschool, a girl named Jenny asked me to wake her up from naptime by tapping my penis on her forehead "the way daddy does," I think I've become some kind of metaphysically creepy-random-comments-from-girls magnet. Here's a few examples.
7th Grade:
The very first week of school.
Girl: You have a penis, right?
Me: Uhm, yeah. Why?
Girl: So, if you hold it straight out, you can make it look like a exclamation point, right?
Me: Uh...sure...
Girl: And if you kindof curve it, it'll look like a question mark, right?
Me: Theoretically-
Girl: But only I can do a period!
And with that, she yanked up her skirt to show me her blodd-stained panties.
This blew my little 13-year-old mind. It both turned me on and freaked me out at the same time. Later this girl got suspended from school. Aparantly she was so excited to be the first in her class to have a period, she ran into the middle of the boys' dodgeball game, and whipped off her shorts so they could all get a good look. A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety.
9th grade:
My first sexual experience that actually involved nudity. While we're fondling each other, she asks me if I like Diet Coke.
Me: It's allright.
Girl: Well, I LOVE it. How 'bout you go get me a bottle of it?
I go downstairs and grab a 20 ounce bottle from the fridge. When I return, she says it's too cold.
Girl: How 'bout warming it up...by rubbing it on my tits?
So I began to rub her vigorously with the bottle. Soon enough, she asks me to shove it inside of her. She really enjoys it, and so do I because I KNOW that, with this girl, I'm definantly going to get off. That's when it gets crazy.
She rips out the bottle, opens it, and begins filling her vagina with Diet Coke. I swear, she nearly empties the volume into her vagina. I had seriously underestimated this vagina's liquid retention volume.
Girl: YOU LIKE DIET COKE?!?!?!? OH YEAH OH YEAH DRINK IT FROM ME!
I was noticebly freaked me, but I did want to get off, and I didn't want my first load-blow to be into 18.7 fluid ounces of a 0-calorie beverage. I began to go down on her, until she said the exact wrong thing.
Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!
I don't know how she did it with 16-year-old voice, but she sounded exactly like the Kool-Aid man from the commercials. I glanced at the wall, half-expecting him to burst through and over me a fruity beverage. I was extremely turned-off. She could tell, too. As she sat up to see what was wrong, she twisted her body in such a way that Diet Coke shot out of her vagina and all over my face, chest, and groin. And it was at that sticky, low-calorie moment that my parents chose to pull into the driveway.
User Reviews
Submitted by systemm-zer0 (user info) at 2008-12-28 14:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-11-06 08:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just saw this on /b/.
Was this a copy + paste job?
If so, my faith in the glorious Uber of old will be forever tarnished.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-10 21:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans on a 9th-grader ever, under any circumstances, coming anywhere close to a 16-year-old girl unless she was completely butt ugly... this story kicks ass anyway.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-09-17 19:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-17 18:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I'd read this when it was first written, years ago, because now, in a post-Dane Cook world, all I can think of is:
" 'Ooh yeeeeah!' Oh no! You glass bitch. You glass bastard. And plaster falls in your big stupid head."
Accompanied with prancing across the stage and, I imagine, explicit writhing up against a stool.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate diet coke.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's the type of girl you marry.
Seriously.
Submitted by Tom_Tom (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been looking for this forever, I remeber reading this a few years back
Submitted by rycke (user info) at 2007-09-05 01:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thumbs up!
Submitted by DiamondEyes228 (user info) at 2007-04-16 22:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha. what a freak.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-01-22 09:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember this! Hilarious!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-22 08:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH YEAH!
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-01-22 08:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-22 08:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ridiculous.
Submitted by Dieter (user info) at 2006-12-22 15:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am drinking a diet coke from a 20 oz bottle right now!
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-22 14:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
b@w worthy beyond all imagination. I've got shit-heads lookin at me funny over my cubicle walls I'm laughing so damn hard. The fuckin Kool-Aid man killed me.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OH CRAP THIS IS GAYER THAN SHLONGY IN AN ALL MAN ALL GAY FAGGOT PARADE WITH FAGOTS AND SHIT
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-03 23:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny...but I'm the Kool-Aid man, biotch.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-11 20:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think ive read this before somwhere, maybe here...so, have a +2
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-11 20:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally found this
Submitted by Gargamel (user info) at 2006-08-11 19:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Richly entertaining. I'll always get turned on by the Kool Aid Guy from now on.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Let's spam this to most heated.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU LIKE DIET COKE?!?!?!? OH YEAH OH YEAH DRINK IT FROM ME!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the all time greats. What a fantastic story.
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God thats F*cked up
Submitted by frankenstein (user info) at 2006-05-11 04:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
MMMMMMMMMM.....
Submitted by stocksy (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have you ever been able to drink a diet coke again
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr T chuckled at this. THEN HE DECIDED TO CHUCK YO ASS!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-02-09 08:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Yeah!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-23 14:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have I really not rated this before?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-01 19:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just thought you might want to see how awesome you are.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-07-29 23:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, nevermind, sorry, I jumped the gun. The guy wasn't claiming ownership or creation of it. Just thought it was cool, which makes me happy.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-07-29 23:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:14:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://ninjapants.org/files/oh%20yeah.gif
--------------------------------------------------------------
Are you shitting me?
That's fucking TWICE I've been fucking plagiarized! What the fuck is this?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-29 19:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A girl named Jenny asked me to wake her up from naptime by tapping my penis on her forehead "the way daddy does."
_______________
The world is a fucked up place.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-29 18:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://ninjapants.org/files/oh%20yeah.gif
Submitted by wanderingaimlessley (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think i'll skip dinner tonight.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU know Mindy too?? That sucks.
Submitted by bizzy (user info) at 2005-07-08 07:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You must be so fucked up by now...
For more Kool-Aid man fun, check out http://www.danecook.com
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-06-23 11:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-21 11:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read before, yet never rated, I missed this.
Submitted by Nips_Mc_G (user info) at 2005-04-20 23:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety"
Fucking classic.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-14 09:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-08 00:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God...
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for the love of all that is holy, this was fucked up.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-18 20:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funney
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-18 20:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
bs
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crap. You know, I leave for awhile and I get dragged back in by a morally unredeemable, totally worthless and thoroughly disturbing story like this.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-01-27 19:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-01-25 20:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!
---------
Even if you just made that up, it's too funny.
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-01-16 01:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wierd, but funny.... cheers...
Submitted by Silja (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im amused.
But then again, I amuse easily.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cooter cola
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee
Submitted by icon (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ.. that's comedy.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-12-28 18:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read. If this sort of thing actually happened to you, then surely you would have grown up to be a serial killer or child molester and the ensuing tales of assrape and violence would have been far more entertaining than this pile of shit.
Submitted by NinjaSpeed (user info) at 2004-12-22 07:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-13 16:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know if it'll get all the way up there, but it would be pretty cool. I like reviews more than hits though, because then I can get feedback on what I'm writing.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-10 10:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Headed for top 20 MVM?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-08 10:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I don't know if I quite understand über... This was funny, and most definitely deserved a +2, but Bored at Work!?
I have pretty much come to realize that Bart's mood is the determining factor in B@W.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-11-30 16:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety.
Awesome.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-11-30 11:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-20 18:19:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering this was your first post, I think you have a lot of potential, kid. But its easily visible that youre not experienced enough to be "good" yet. In this post, you have two unconnected stories (except for the fact that they both involve girls). Each of these ideas could have been developed better (especially the second one) and longer posts.
But you'll get better as you go along.
I look forward to reading your next posts.
But don't expect to get on the Most Heated list everytime you post something remotely funny. This should've dropped off the front page with 15 reviews, but you got lucky. Don't expect it to happen again.
This comment is funny, considering.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-11-29 17:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-29 16:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, it has been done. See Jimbo, Smurfs, and one or two others that have slipped into the oblivion.
Submitted by Nigeyboy666 (user info) at 2004-11-29 09:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not Bad. I had a girl that every time she "came" she used to piss all over me! the wife wasn't happy about the state of my trousers but i dont have to wash them right?
Submitted by BlackJesus (user info) at 2004-11-25 03:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I don't care. I'm still smiling like a Jesus."
-skitty
Amen, brotha.
Submitted by Return_Of_Surge (user info) at 2004-11-25 02:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont belive the story, see my stories, belive it or not, arnt true, but they are beliveable, but i like vaginas and koolaid, so here goes my vote
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-25 02:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you're going to hell. Or she is. Or that's just really really really odd.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-11-24 14:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen better on B@W, but it's not bad. You could have told a couple more, if you had them.
OOOOOOOHHH YEAAAH!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-24 08:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W.
Only problem, there is only one way to go from here.
-Davros
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-11-23 22:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that this is listed under romance.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-11-23 21:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, B@W on a first post. Has that ever been done?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-23 14:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still awesome.
contrats on b@w.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post. Girls are strange come to think of it, I will never be able to drink coke again.
Submitted by skitty (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hate ubersite... But this---This is fuckin' hilarious.
I'm on the crapper right now and because of your post, I forgot to check how much TP I had left before dropping the bomb.
I don't care. I'm still smiling like a Jesus.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the best first post ever. Still one of the top 10.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-23 09:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:49:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on possibly the best first post ever.
===========================
Don't listen to the haters, this was great. Even better because it was your first.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-11-23 06:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and why wouldn't it deserve to be on bored at work...funny, easily digestible, awesome punchline...it's the goods.
of course, i'm one of those who didn't deserve to be on it either (got on with an ebay listing)...maybe i just like to defend the insititution.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-11-23 06:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it was good...than "oh yeah" sent it over the top.
Submitted by geeohcities (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic, I laughed like hell
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This didn't deserve B@W.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-22 20:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking bastard. B@W on yourr first post...
I'm going to hunt you down and shoot you. With a potato gun. No, really.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-11-22 18:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great post, not sure it deserves B@W.
It was fucking good though.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-22 15:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by YourMom (user info) at 2004-11-22 14:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, man.
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2004-11-22 12:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-22 09:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna add to this little piece of history by posting a story that is palindromic (by words, not letters)
Its called "Jump".
"Jump."
"Now?" said boy.
Girl responded "We must."
Boy said "Now? but..."
Hand Grasped hand
"Together?"
"Agreed"
"Together"
Hand Grasped hand
"But now?" said boy
"We must" responded girl.
Boy said. "NOW!"
Jump...
----
There, wasn't that cool?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-22 09:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your website sucks as well, ryu, it isn't clever or funny or amusing, it is just shit
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-11-22 08:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<rant id = "jealous dipshit" type = "silly">Fucking shit, first post awesomeness? Goddamn you and your great post. Asshole. Grrr...
I've been on a blazing hot streak of Uber-Postage and I STILL can't get on B@W! My life is in-fucking-complete until I get on there!!!!
</rant>
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-22 07:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was pretty fucking average for an ubersite post. And by average I mean shit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-22 05:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
fucking hell, first post ever, straight on B@W what a debut!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-22 04:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heavens to Betsy.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-11-22 01:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's been a while since I laughed out loud like this.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-11-21 20:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow that was so disturbing I almost soiled myself. You lucky little shit.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-21 14:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2000 hits on a first post is amazing. Bastard.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-11-21 13:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This must be B@W.
Submitted by BlackJesus (user info) at 2004-11-21 01:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are these elements of surprise that I have witnessed indeed real? Do I see before me people that stand aghast at the thought that someone could visit a site as nothing more than a newcomer and yet still manage to produce quality reading material? When you walk outside, do you gawk at others for being able to walk and not crawl?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Weird.
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-20 18:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering this was your first post, I think you have a lot of potential, kid. But its easily visible that youre not experienced enough to be "good" yet. In this post, you have two unconnected stories (except for the fact that they both involve girls). Each of these ideas could have been developed better (especially the second one) and longer posts.
But you'll get better as you go along.
I look forward to reading your next posts.
But don't expect to get on the Most Heated list everytime you post something remotely funny. This should've dropped off the front page with 15 reviews, but you got lucky. Don't expect it to happen again.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-11-20 13:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Atleast it wasn't New Coke.
Submitted by degree451 (user info) at 2004-11-20 12:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite funny on its own, but it really reminds me of the episode of the family guy when the cool aid man bursts through the courtroom wall.
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-11-20 07:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for not putting more, you said sexual experiences, not just one.
dont leave us hanging deliver the goods
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-20 05:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All kinds of kickass.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-11-20 01:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck?
Submitted by phredde2 (user info) at 2004-11-20 01:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lovetohate (user info) at 2004-11-20 00:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That shit's awesome as hell.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-20 00:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stop bragging about your cum secretion properties Dead_0hi0_Sky
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had seriously underestimated this vagina's liquid retention volume."
haven't we all been placed in this situation before?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just now saw this:
"Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-11-18 23:17:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you realize you're a genius?
____________
A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety
____________
I actually had to tear my balls off to stiffle my laughter."
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH YEAHHH
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To answer a few questions and maybe a few concerns:
Comicbookguy: I think I am one of the few Americans fortunate enough to never have seen more than 5 minutes of a Jean-Claude Van Dam movie at any one time, and I consider myself lucky for that fact. People have tried to sneak them in on me. But I did like the "Time Cop" TV show. It had Bruce Cambell from the "Evil Dead" series in it.
Adman: I was born in late September, so I was fifteen in 9th grade. I was born 3 days after the cut-off date, so I was the oldest non-held-back kid in my grade. Most people are 14 during the fall of their 9th grade year, which is also your freshman year of highschool. The girl I was with was a 10th grader who was almost exactly one year older than me.
BLITZKREIG_BOB: I would've, but I didn't start drinking 'till I was 16. If the situation happened today, I would most definantly do it. I think it would be pretty hot to do it enough that you could tell my friends that I got drunk out of a girl's vagina.
loki: I'm not gay because, despite it forcibly showering me with a sticky beverage, I still have an indominable attraction the vagina and women in general.
Phallic_Cymbals: If my parents EVER joined in on any sexual exploit of mine, I would pull an Oedipus and stab my eyes out. Then I would burn down the house and kill all witnesses, and eat their brains so no one in the future could access their memories or something. I'd end it all by touring our nation's schools as a motivational speaker, encouraging our children to never EVER have any kind of sexual activity within a 500 yard radius of their parents. No one should have to witness that.
Saxon and hidden101: No, I don't have the second girl's number, but her name is Mary. She has blond hair and green eyes. She looked a little bit like Alyssa Milano when she was on "Who's the Boss?" Her dad was in the airforce and she moved a week after our little encounter. Apparantly, right before leaving for a new town, she does some crazy sexual thing with no inhibitions, since no one will hear about it wherever she goes. Last I heard of her she was living near Warner-Robbins airforce base in Georgia.
Deathjester: Did not know that. Is semen base?
Hairycoo: As someone who drinks a lot of Diet Coke and has been covered by it on one occassion, I can attest that yes, it is sticky. It took forever to wash out.
JenBee: After some of the girls I have been with, I put all girls through a strict screening process for fetishes and crazy religions. So the wedding would have to be a long way off. Remind me to tell you sometime about the girl whose wedding-day religious custom was family scrotal tattoos.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Holy Grail of Uber: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52187
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome... so wait, how to grades work in America, 9th grade=16 years old? Over here 9th grade is like 12... that would have been even more hilarious.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Grade-average ages
k-4,5,6
1-5,6,7
2-6,7,8
3-7,8,9
4-8,9,10
5-9,10,11
6-10,11,12
7-11,12,13
8-12,13,14
9-13,14,15
10-14,15,16
11-15,16,17
12-16,17,18
I started when I was 4 because my b-day Is in september. Some people manage start later because of b-days. My sister turned 6 while in Kindergarten because her b-day is in January. I was 17 when I started college.
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doh
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could very well be the funniest post here.
hahahahahahahhaha
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius material, priceless women... great post!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit, do you still have the second girl's number?
GIVE IT TO ME.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on possibly the best first post ever.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny reading.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a first post?!??!
You astound me Time Cop.
Let's get married.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent first post!
Submitted by IamNotTheWorldTradeCenter (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird. Strange. Awesome.
One Calorie.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was all kinds of awesome... more... more...
Submitted by teemonee (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I doubt this went down like that...but i don't give 2 fucks, it was hysterical....
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
diet coke isnt sticky so this cant be true
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is too fucked up to be bullshit...J
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have put a little rum in there and shook her around first.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
i dont know what to say
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd?
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome... so wait, how to grades work in America, 9th grade=16 years old? Over here 9th grade is like 12... that would have been even more hilarious.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap, how are you not ghey?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-19 01:39:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
True or otherwise, this story is awesome.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha will never look at diet coke the same again...
Submitted by snackdrag (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen similar happen on MANY OCCASIONS! it's funny cuz it's TRUE! and cuz people hate cuz!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-19 08:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-11-19 08:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had seriously underestimated this vagina's liquid retention volume. "
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-19 08:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GROSS
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent first post. I hate you.
Submitted by ckoewing (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, fucking wow, lol, i think thats the only sexual thing i've have never thought of. but then again, there may be more, thow em out there...
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you for making me laugh so damn hard!
Is that semen on my floor... or urine?
Submitted by Scarlett13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fucking yeah!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude.... this is one hell of a first post, you motherfucker!!
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I apparently also made that underestimation...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The acidity of the cola is not good for a lady's hoohaa. Vaginal secretions are a pretty strong alkali.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-11-19 04:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sticky stuff
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
its shinnanegasdflasjasdfh thing but its still funny, hence the 0.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-19 01:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True or otherwise, this story is awesome.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-19 00:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was my cue for nite-nite.
I'm having to think of what I do before bed now, brush, flush, check the Freezer for Schwan's ice cream. This messed me up--and not in a wholly bad way. (Wish we'd grown up in same neighborhood.} G'nite.
Submitted by kochier (user info) at 2004-11-19 00:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-11-19 00:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
I'm still crying over here.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-11-18 23:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you realize you're a genius?
____________
A lot of balls instantly dropped, and not just those of the dodging variety
____________
I actually had to tear my balls off to stiffle my laughter.
Submitted by Timberwolves_At_New_York (user info) at 2004-11-18 23:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply hilarious
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-11-18 23:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommate just banged on the door and said she could hear me laughing all the way downstairs and just what the hell was so funny that I had to laugh like a maniac.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first post.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:52:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
AND ANOTHER
HOLY SHIT
THAT WAS AWESOME
Shennanigans though
------------------------
What the hell do you mean by "shennanigans"? This hardly comes off as an alter.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet post, man. Funny as all blue hell!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i read the rest of it, its awesome
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since the age of 4, when, in preschool, a girl named Jenny asked me to wake her up from naptime by tapping my penis on her forehead "the way daddy does,"
+2. I am gonna go read the rest now
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you still have that girls number?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wickedness
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!
---
Okay, I fell out of my chair laughing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-18 22:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome. Post more of these and maybe I'll consider giving you another +2.
Submitted by dreamgirl1013 (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow, thats uhh, special. lol. u have strange taste in girls man.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AND ANOTHER
HOLY SHIT
THAT WAS AWESOME
Shennanigans though
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your parents joined in, right? Right?
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will overlook the fact that your username is based on a Van Damme movie and give you a +2 because this was very funny. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good thing it wasn't diet cherry coke
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Does this remind anyone a leetle bit of comicbookguy's classic about spider man?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Disturbing? Somewhat.
Funny? Hell yes.
-Davros
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh yeah...KoolAid here, bringin' ya fun...KoolAid's got thirst on the run...with a big wide happy ear-to-ear KoolAid smi---iii-iiile...with a KoolAd smile...a KoolAid smile..."
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A man.
Farklin' A.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...you drank it? That's just weird, man.
More! Give us more!
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She rips out the bottle, opens it, and begins filling her vagina with Diet Coke. I swear, she nearly empties the volume into her vagina."
I swear. BAHahahahahah
Little subtleties like those crack me up so bad.
+2 this was very entertaining.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a sucker for the Kool-Aid man.
Submitted by DataForge22 (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just somewhat weird enough.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly girls...
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who's weirder, you or the girls.
Submitted by Magra (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!
Another classic
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only I can do a period!
---------------------------
Classic.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Takabrash (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is beautiful
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-18 21:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i cracked a grin.
what a freak