No, really, I have it all under control. (1375 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.86 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-19 02:01:40 EST
I spend too much time in the car. Don't get me wrong; I love my car. I love my car in a way that I'm absolutely certain is psychologically unhealthy and morally questionable.
But it's damned near summer here. I'm sick to death of driving for three hours a day through the heat haze shimmering off the road. I'm tired of half hour detours because large sections of the landscape are on fire. I've had it with stupid radio competions (ring up and tell us the worst thing you've ever done to your husband or wife) and people that weave in intricate little patterns all over the road because they're using their mobile phones to enter stupid radio competitions.
</accidental rant>
I spend too much time in the car. Therefore, it's currently all I have to post about. Enjoy, or don't. Your call.
GAMES TO PLAY WHILE DRIVING:
*Roadkill Spotto.
The scoring system: 3 points for a wild goat, 2 for an emu, 1 for a kangaroo.
Conditions: You still have to be able to tell what it is. You can't point to a rotting heap of liquefied flesh stretched over a couple of bones and claim it's a goat. The animal must retain its original shape to be counted towards your score.
It doesn't count if you're the one who ran it over.
No, you can't positively identify it from the smell as you drive past. No, you can't. What the fuck do you mean, "emus smell like chicken"? Fuck off. Get out of my car. I don't care that you're only seven. Don't "But Mummy" me. You're walking home. Well, you'll think next time, won't you? Damn right it's a long way. Stop crying.
*Headlight Chicken
Dark night. Back road. No streetlights, and no other cars. Turn the headlights off and see how long you can stay on the road.
(Note - also known as "A Fucking Stupid Thing To Do", "The Meds Should Have Kicked In By Now", and "When Is Mummy Coming Home?")
TEACHING DRIVING SKILLS TO THE LESS FORTUNATE
There is a patch of road betweeen here and the city. It's only two lanes, and always very busy. The speed limit is 80kph. Overtaking on this road is suicidal at best and flat out impossible at worst.
I always sit at 84kph along here. Not for reasons of personal or public safety (did you READ the headlight thing?) but because there's always a speed camera* along here somewhere, and I just paid the last speeding ticket I got.
[*Note - by the time you see the flash and pass that little green sign that says "You have just passed through a speed camera", it's too late to slow down from 130kph. Trying will only result in bad vibes from the five car pileup behind you.]
So, there's me, happily buzzing along at 84, singing very, very badly to Jet because it happens to be on the radio. I don't know the words, but fucked if that's gonna stop me.
The car behind me does not want to do 84kph. The car behind me would really, really like to do the speed of sound. The teenage driver politely lets me know this by laying on his horn and flipping me the bird. I see him in my rearview mirror. I smile, wave, and ease off the accelerator. The needle points to 80.
He loses it. He hits the steering wheel and his face is contorted in rage. I can see his lips moving as he curses me. I'm not sure where he wants to go, but I'm worried about his blood pressure. It's a hot day.
I drop to 76. His face is red, and if he were any closer to me he'd be firmly up my ass. I drop to 73. This is the point at which his temper reaches critical mass. It can't sustain itself any longer, and he backs off. His face is sullen and cranky, but calm. I take it up to 84 again.
I need no thanks. It's the joy of teaching that I love.
AN INVENTORY OF MY CAR
*3 empty Iced Coffee cartons.
*A Dome Coffeeshop cardboard cup, in which the remains of a very nice latte have just invented the wheel. Another week, and they would have found the secret of fire.
*14 small infant sized socks, of the kind babies like to pull off their feet and chew. (Total number of matched pairs: 0. Possibility of adding this phenomenon to my current investigations into quantum physics, along with "What the fuck is this all over my toothbrush?" and "What is that smell?" : high.)
*1 decapitated Barbie Doll.
*3 shoes that do not belong to me, or anybody I know.
*The handbag I accused my sister of stealing and demanded that she replace.
*1 large dead beetle. I showed this to my son who immediately claimed it, saying "I wondered where I left him."
*Something that smells like sugar and probably used to be a lollipop.
*5 notes from my son's teacher that he 'forgot' to give me.
*A bird's nest.
*A Christmas card from last year.
*$53 in gold coins.
*Seven screwdrivers. (The boy again. "Why are these in the car?" "In case I need to take something apart." "Like what?" "It's better if you don't know.")
A LAST WORD ON THE BOY
He came to me the other day and declared "I'm a tween, Mum." Thinking he meant 'twin' and that he was having some kind of sibling displacement problem due to his little sisters being twins, I prepared to explain that he wasn't any less special, blah blah blah. He stopped me by rolling his eyes.
"Not twin, tween. I'm a tween."
"What's a tween? Why do I have one? Can I take it back to the shop?"
"You're not funny."
"........sorry."
"Good. A tween is between a kid and a teenager."
"You're seven!"
"Yep."
"You're a baby!"
"I'm a tween."
This may have something to do with the other day. We were buying shirts for him and I was stunned to realise that they don't have A) Bob the Builder, or B) Sesame Street on size 7 shirts.
You know what they have? Skulls and sleletons riding skateboards, and all these things with labels on them.
I gave in and let him choose. The next day:
"I'm ready for school."
"That's not your school shirt."
"It's blue."
"It's not your school shirt."
"But it's blue."
"But it's not your school shirt."
A little while later:
"BUT IT'S BLUE!"
"AND IT HAS A DEAD PERSON RIDING A SKATEBOARD AND YOU'RE NOT WEARING IT TO SCHOOL!"
We compromised. He wore it under his school shirt. When I picked him up that afternoon he'd taken the school shirt off and put it in his bag.
"When did you take it off?"
"When I got to school."
Compromise is for suckers.
In keeping with total randomness: A pretty picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God this is great.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-19 07:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need no thanks. It's the joy of teaching that I love.
That about sums it up.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 14:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad Ashley
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-02 14:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm and aren't I the idiot? Do you realize how long it took me to see that 0?
i suck
bad Ashley
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2004-11-30 20:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 For effort alone.
I have to try that.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-30 20:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:43:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading posts like this make me want to nibble your ears... whispering sweet nothings... kiss and lick your neck... slowly slide your shirt over your head... run my hands down along your beautiful breasts... gently make my way down to your stomach....
...and blow a big slobbery raspberry on your belly button.
==================================================================
I...I...never mind...
good job! <runs for a cold shower>
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-11-25 09:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really know what I've just read, but I liked it.
Crazy australians having bush fires in the winter.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-11-21 21:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what they have? Skulls and sleletons riding skateboards, and all these things with labels on them.
I went through this directly after becoming a (step) mom for the first time. I feel you...er your pain. I feel your pain.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-20 12:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That wasn't my car... but a +2 for leaving the bottle...
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:20:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is 0 Celsius here. So -2 for reminding me that is is warm elsewhere.
+1 for playing the "Roadkill" game.
+3 for being the only person who doesn't count self-kills.
But do you take away a point for (insert most common RK beasts here, pigeons in my case)?
-Davros
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the fuck do you mean, 'emus smell like chicken'? Fuck off. Get out of my car. I don't care that you're only seven. Don't 'But Mummy' me. You're walking home."
hahahahahahaha
and "TEACHING DRIVING SKILLS TO THE LESS FORTUNATE" is one of my favorite pastimes
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:10:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see the inventory of my car... from a pair of folding chairs through a sleeping bag to a number of asorted goods including a NBC suit and 3 pairs of boots.
___________
There's also a bottle of very nice wine that D gave me, and that I left there when you gave us a lift home.
I'd forget my head if it wasn't bolted on.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, Circe. I can do everything to you that lojope can, and some other things too. Like, I can stick my tounge up my nose. That's talent right there.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see the inventory of my car... from a pair of folding chairs through a sleeping bag to a number of asorted goods including a NBC suit and 3 pairs of boots.
great story, as always
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading posts like this make me want to nibble your ears... whispering sweet nothings... kiss and lick your neck... slowly slide your shirt over your head... run my hands down along your beautiful breasts... gently make my way down to your stomach....
...and blow a big slobbery raspberry on your belly button.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-19 10:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother used to keep a checklist of confirmed kills on his sun visor.
I asked him why the hell he would ever even concieve of something so evil and he simply smiled at me and said "Roadkill's always a bonus"
He made me so proud that day.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i was a tween!!!
7 years ago.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"AN INVENTORY OF MY CAR"
This was some of the funniest
shit I've read all week.
Thank you!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I drop to 76. His face is red, and if he were any closer to me he'd be firmly up my ass. I drop to 73. This is the point at which his temper reaches critical mass. It can't sustain itself any longer, and he backs off. His face is sullen and cranky, but calm. I take it up to 84 again."
I am the queen of brake-checks. I made someone swerve off the road last week, woooo!
This post was awesome, and a nice read on a Friday morning.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Such a great writing style.
A+....errr, +2.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They should make socks that are attached with elastic bands so we don't lose the one, especially for children... Where have they got to walk to anyway? Oh, that's right, they've gotta walk home, wondering what they did to piss you off.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-11-19 09:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The scoring system: 3 points for a wild goat, 2 for an emu, 1 for a kangaroo.
Well thats fucked it then. No score draws all over the UK. Unless I go to a Longleat safari park then I can bag me a mangy old camel and a lion with a nervous disorder.
Hmm, then they don't count if I run them over? How about if its in reverse?
Failing that, can I substitute them for rabbits, hedgehogs and pheasants?
I saw my mate fat paul get run over once, he was running home for another packet of crisps.
True story. He cried like a girl, how I laughed.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-11-19 08:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I thought that having legos, hot wheels, and chewed gum stuck to the floor of the car is bad.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awko - I'm pretty sure we didn't miss out on anything. Except, apparently, Hillary Duff.
BigMike - Oh, that is so cool. I have to teach the babies that one.
Teephphah - You're very, very welcome. Thanks for the brilliant compliment.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-19 07:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got to work on a dreary, rainy, complete pissant of a day . . . thank you for this. It was all shades of awesome. Seriously, I think you've covered pretty much every facet of the awesome spectrum. I started smiling at the second sentence and haven't stopped yet.
Thanks again. You rock.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or you can play roadkill bingo.
You figure it out.
As usual, awesome post Circe.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tween? When the fuck did tweens come into this world.
Was I ever a tween? Did I miss out on some important part of growing up?
Should I go back and rediscover my inner tween?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-11-19 06:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate you.
It's nothing you've done, but god damnit I want summer again. Fuck this rainy gloomy cold shit we have right now. Also fuck the dozen feet of snow and negative windchills we have to look forward to in our immediate future.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-11-19 05:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha good one
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-11-19 04:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"BUT IT'S BLUE!"
"AND IT HAS A DEAD PERSON RIDING A SKATEBOARD AND YOU'RE NOT WEARING IT TO SCHOOL!"
And then he wears it anyway. God, I love kids like that. As long as they're not mine.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-19 04:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah +2 for story +2 for shandy's response!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 04:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - Dolphin. Sausage. Microwave. Dear God, how I want you.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-11-19 04:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How many points for an endangered komodo dragon?
How about a Yangtze river dolphin?
Okay, I admit I hauled the river dolphin out onto
the highway and left it there, just for the chance
to videotape it bursting like a sausage in a microwave
under the wheels of a gigantic dutch truck full of beets.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-19 03:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"AND IT HAS A DEAD PERSON RIDING A SKATEBOARD AND YOU'RE NOT WEARING IT TO SCHOOL!"
Oh god have another one... ha ha ha
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-19 03:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need no thanks. It's the joy of teaching that I love.
+ mother fucking 2!!!!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 03:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen - Hillary Duff? Oh, no. No, no, please no. If I put him in the chest freezer, will it stop him growing?
Also - thank God it's summer and the twins are 18 months old. Goodbye, annoying little socks. Hello, sandals.
Submitted by dreamgirl1013 (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
omg, thas so funny! ima play those games wen i get a chance. lol.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
14 small infant sized socks, of the kind babies like to pull off their feet and chew. (Total number of matched pairs: 0. Possibility of adding this phenomenon to my current investigations into quantum physics, along with "What the fuck is this all over my toothbrush?" and "What is that smell?" : high.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I buy them all in the same color, so they all match. Except we received this frilly pair as an accompanyment to a little dress. This pair was white and had a lacy cuff. Sure 'nuf, I can only find one of those. Stupid miniature socks. Socklettes. Ugh.
Hillary Duff is the idol of most 'tweens, or so I hear...
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's the joy of teaching that I love" cracked me up.
The days are certainly getting hotter, a point which my car which lacks any air-con is happy to show me everytime I have to go somewhere.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*1 decapitated Barbie Doll. "
ah ha!
i wonder where that head could have gotten to...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who posts at 2 AM?
__________
Somebody who is in a timezone where it's 3 pm.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, you can't positively identify it from the smell as you drive past. No, you can't. What the fuck do you mean, "emus smell like chicken"? Fuck off. Get out of my car. I don't care that you're only seven. Don't "But Mummy" me. You're walking home. Well, you'll think next time, won't you? Damn right it's a long way. Stop crying.
___________________________________________________________
That's really fucking funny... We've tried playing the most boring and pathetic game you could ever imagine: you take something you see in the ditch and turn it into some strange, messed up form of Latin. Like a tire...Tirus Inditchus. I need to get out more.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-19 02:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who posts at 2 AM?