Why You Shouldn't Make Fun Of Your Chemistry Teacher's Legless Husband (4589 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 92 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-11-19 15:10:55 EST
In highschool, everyone has that one cool teacher that you can say everything too. The whole class usually jokes around with this teacher, is allowed to cuss in class, and enjoys being in that class. In my cast, it was my 9th grade teacher-- Mrs. Patterson.
Everybody in class joked around with her and traded insults, although she did have a line that could be crossed-- that line kept moving.
Stupid line.
I was usually the person to cross that line, not because I meant to. I just don't know when to put my foot in my mouth at times.
Mrs. Patterson's husband lost his right leg in a motorcycle accident years earlier, and she was prone to joke about it. Unfortunately, I didn't know the stopping point when arguing with her. Usually when I walk into her class, she'd pick a play fight with me.
"Oh look who it is. It's Justin. I guess they'll let anybody into this school these days."
"I guess they'll let anybody teach here too."
"Ooooh, you got me. I bet all that free-time you have at home alone comes in handy when coming up with good insults for class."
"I bet with all your husband's free time, he enjoys using you as his second leg to get around."
That was the only cheapshot I had, her husband's lack of a leg. If she didn't want me to use it as ammo, she shouldn't have loaded my insulting gun with it by informing me of his handicap. On this day, I had crossed the line and ended up hanging out in the principal's office all day.
Lucky for me, the principal was absent that day (he was having an affair with a married teacher), so I had fun making false announcements. Everyone got suspiscious when I kept calling the hottest girls in the school to the office. I eventually got lazy calling each girl one announcement at a time, so I took a shortcut.
"Yes, this is the principal. I'd like the girl's volleyball team, tennis team, basketball team, and Varsity cheerleading squad to report to my office. You're in trouble. You've been very bad girls. Teehee."
But that got old once I got caught. I think the 'teehee' tipped them off. And the fact that I didn't sound like an elderly black gentlemen who happened to be principal.
After several days of suspension, I was allowed back in class with Mrs. Patterson. Earlier in the morning, it was quite hot out, so I wore a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops to school. As the day wore on, it started to snow and the ground iced over very fast.
I walked into class freezing. Mrs. Patterson saw this opportunity and took advantage of it.
"Well looky here, Mr. Justin doesn't know how to dress for the weather. Ya know, if you had been watching the news last night instead of listening to your hippity hop maybe you wouldn't be freezing."
I wanted to put my foot in my mouth, but she opened up herself to this one. "Your husband loves hippity hop. That's all he does when trying to get around."
The class snickered as I walked to my desk. Mrs. Patterson shook off the comment, adjusted her Cincinatti Bengals bobblehead on her desk, and quietly got to work grading tests. She was the biggest Cincinatti fan, being from Ohio and all.
Then she started in again.
"Justin, I bet you don't get much sex."
"Neither does your husband, I bet he gets tired of trying to please you with that one leg."
Needless to say, I had to finish my test outside in the snow. She actually made me move my desk outside in the snow. The assistant principal walked by and smirked.
"You talked about his leg again, didn't you?"
"You bet your right leg I did."
The next week, Mrs. Patterson walked into class as we all sat down. She adjusted her little Bengals bobble-head doll one more time, then sat her large posterior in a chair. Unfortunately for her, that old chair gave in and one of the legs snapped off. She fell to the ground as the class burst into laughter.
I should've put my foot in my mouth.
Should have.
"Mrs. Patterson, at least now you've got a leg for your husband!"
She stood up, dusted herself off, and sat at her desk.
"Justin, why is it that you always target my husband? He may not have a leg, but he can do anything he wants."
"He can't be a punter for the NFL."
I couldn't have made a worse comment.
"Excuse me Justin? Did you just say my husband couldn't kick for the NFL?"
Stupid me, shutup now.
"Er.. I take that back. He could kick for the Cincinatti Bengals. I'm sure they'd take him."
And my family wonders why I failed her class.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-03-05 09:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn it man, you have some of the best posts on this site.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Decided to read this one before reading the following ones.
Just got reprimanded for laughing at my desk and CLEARLY not working.
Well worth it.
Too bad I'm gonna get yelled at when I laugh at the rest of them.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Winner!
Submitted by SkyLaR (user info) at 2005-07-08 14:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-01-10 03:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just the title, man just for the title.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2005-01-10 03:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wasianstar (user info) at 2005-01-10 03:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy shizzat burnside keep it rollin
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-06 10:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-27 22:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-25 09:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love you
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2004-11-25 05:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You talked about his leg again, didn't you?"
"You bet your right leg I did."
LMAO.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-25 04:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God I love your stuff sideburns. You're so consistent. I worry that I'm gonna run out of material one day, but your posts just keep coming...
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-25 04:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The expression for holding back is biting your tongue. Putting your foot in your mouth means you go ahead and say the insult, then reget it afterward. You must have used the incorrect expression three different times throughout this post.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-11-24 09:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh beautiful.... Burnsy you kick ass
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-11-24 05:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read in a few hours...Virology can get kind of boring.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-11-22 19:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where would we be without cool teachers?
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-11-22 14:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I once got suspended for humping a schoolbag. And for pissing on the kindergartners' play structure. I forget now why I did it, but I don't regret it.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-11-22 13:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2004-11-22 12:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely made me laugh out loud in econ
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-11-21 21:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A, man.
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-11-21 20:58:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-11-21 20:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As i've said before, this guy's the only reason i come to ubersite.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-11-21 15:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grand.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-11-21 15:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BUT BURNS lol ur dialog is funny but not reel.
I dun think dey speek inglesh in the check rep. dude BUT LOLZ NEWAY!!!
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2004-11-20 05:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a teacher like that too. We would argue with her for days...though none of us got sent to the principals office. I miss those easy days sometimes.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you call a guy with one leg?
-Handicaped
what do you call a guy with one leg?
-it depends on what his name is.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read that twice. Man that ruled.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
His ghey ass is from South Carolina, where I know for a fact that it isn't like that.
Why? Why are you lying to me Justin? YOU'RE CRUMBLING MY WORLD AROUND ME!!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK YOU BURNSIE
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, I write a post and everyone analyzes the dialogue and gives me negative rating because it's not novelesque and you can't tell the difference between the styles of me and my teacher?
Fuck it, I'm drunk. I ramble on when I'm drunk.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Earlier in the morning, it was quite hot out, so I wore a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops to school. As the day wore on, it started to snow and the ground iced over very fast."
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You sure this is 100% true, bro? Where the hell do you live?
----------------------
Zod, just so u know, thats not uncommon in Maskamachewskets here....
idk if sideburns is from this wonderful state
but yeah... thats how its been for a month
PS sounds like one of my teachers
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anywhodiddle, I'm out for the weekend.
Going to party in Tallahassee, baby!
Ok, actually.. in Marianna, or whatever.
I'll be looking for you, Insanethemind.. MUAHAHAHAHA
*ahem* Later Uber!
Submitted by Jerems (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Czech Republic
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
I don't know that I totally believe it, though.. you really are a nice guy. Usually.
Ok, so maybe I believe the story.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While having a couple of beers with some friends the topic of one of their fathers (lost both legs to diabetes) came up. Most of the group hadn't met him and asked what he was like. Everyone responded with comments on his sense of humour, inner strength, kindness etc.
I said "short" and I'm the bad guy.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Earlier in the morning, it was quite hot out, so I wore a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops to school. As the day wore on, it started to snow and the ground iced over very fast."
--------------
You sure this is 100% true, bro? Where the hell do you live?
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.....just beautiful...................thanks for the laugh....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy likes talking in the third person.
Like Rickey Henderson. And Prime Time.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is 100 percent true. I would give you her number to call and make jokes about her husband, but I think that'd be the line crossing thing I was talking about.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
unlikely, but funny.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:07:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know...something about this just wasn't that funny...I think it was mostly all of it.
But you're still one of Shlongy's favorite writers here.
Maybe you should just leave out all references to my pal Marvin Lewis' team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
don't speak in third person, it's really fucking annoying.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:35:05 (#)
Ranking: -1
Work on your dialogus more, it's pretty weak. Your teacher and the student use exactly the same style of speaking, which is unlikely.
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Maybe the dialogue is wrong because the story is fake, idiot. It's supposed to make you laugh, not ponder the inner workings of the human language. Lighten up.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still funny second time around
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know...something about this just wasn't that funny...I think it was mostly all of it.
But you're still one of Shlongy's favorite writers here.
Maybe you should just leave out all references to my pal Marvin Lewis' team.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as hell, but since uber likes to
jump down peoples throat, i'd like to
say, you said in the title he was LEGLESS,
which means he has no legs, but you said he
had one
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate chemistry.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't there, but I heard about this...
I had this teacher for Junior year chemistry named Lowney. He was about 5'5 with a receding hairline. He looked like a leprechan, but he was ripped. His calves were huge. I'm quite sure he would destroy me in a fight, and I'm in pretty good shape myself. Anyway, a kid yelled out at him while wrote on the board that "his wife left him for a better man!"
Lowney turned around, said that his wife had NOT left him for a better man, and resumed writing on the board.
Good shit.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any post that even mentions Ohio gets a +2 from me.
Plus I love me some teachers like that.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. With such a good rapport, I would've boned her. Husband or not.
Submitted by great_angst (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:28:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the fact that EVERY SINGLE ONE of your good insults involved her husband's leg. I bet that pissed her off even more, that you could get that much use out of one thing.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Point taken, Mr. X.
But also realize that it's a comedy post, not a romance novel.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Work on your dialogus more, it's pretty weak. Your teacher and the student use exactly the same style of speaking, which is unlikely.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thaumaturge-- Were you the good kid?
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...your -1, rather.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's always one of you in every class. Hail.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Friday, Shay. Loosen up. I'm not hating on your 1. I wouldn't believe this were true either. Just don't expect me to keep my foot in my mouth when you say something like that.
I'm sorry, I can't keep my foot in my mouth babe.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that is funny stuff...
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sophmore year I called my chem teacher "cap'n".
He flipped out and sent me to the office.
Cap'n.
?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch... any news on that e-mail sender?
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Admittedly so. Which is why I don't post. I'm all female sweetie.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
C'mon Shay. Take it like a man...er.. woman. Or whatever.
I'm only messing around with ya, babe...er..dude...er...whatever.
Just because you can't cough up something half-decent, don't cry babe.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You ruthless bastard.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not crying. Just trading a friendly insult with someone. That's all.
Don't you cry, now.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, that was pretty cool. I assume it was supposed to insult me or make me mad in some way. Why would you jump on one person that gave you a -1 when everyone else gave you a 2, it's my opinion, why don't you stop crying?
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus mothafuckin' two.
I'm just in a good mood because I got a car. Shite, I'm awesome.
Well, you'd get a +2 anyways.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you are ruthless. Very funny.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:22:15 (#)
Ranking: -1
Ehhh. I don't believe any of that.
---------
That's what I said when you pulled down your pants and told me that vagina was real. I kindly explained to you that cutting a vagina out of Hustler magazine and taping it to your nutsack doesn't make you a woman.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just another manic Monday. Wish it were a Sunday, that's my fun day.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ehhh. I don't believe any of that.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes it's funny to cross the line. Other times, you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut.
I suppose in High School though it's always funny to cross the line.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet stuff.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the Bengals reached their peak with the Icky Shuffle. Quit trying already!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL's post inspired this one, actually.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a strange coincidence with this post and GLALL's. Good stuff. When you get a chance, check out my last one.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha! Definitely +2 worthy.
I'd say Bored at Work, but I am not the man who makes it happen.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:15:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Amputee post friday's that rocked
-------------------------------------
APT BABY WHOOOOOOO!!!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You bet your right leg I did"
Man o man this shit is cracking me up!!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amputee post friday's that rocked.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Er.. I take that back. He could kick for the Cincinatti Bengals. I'm sure they'd take him."
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Hey! The Bengals have a good kicker! We need an offesive line for Christ sake and a defense that doesn't give up 500 rush yards a game!