I Don't Swing That Way (1053 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.88 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by funkchomper (View user info) at 2004-11-19 15:26:20 EST
I'm a man's man, damnit. I hike, mountain-bike, scuba dive, make white-water rafts out of Wal-Mart inner tubes tied together, camp out, and clean up after a dump with a pine cone. Ok, a rabbit. But only when I'm camping.. at home it's strictly pine cones. On top of that, I have an unhealthy fascination with breasts. Yes Doctor, I am working on that.
So why am I such a queer-magnet?
I remember when I was about 7 or 8 and my family lived in South Carolina, I had a best friend. Let's call him Adam. Adam and I were inseparable - until the day he wanted to play house and be the mommy. I played along until he said "Come to bed honey!"
I'm sure he didn't really mean anything, I mean, he was 7. Or 8.
The next time it happened, I was 15 and in England with my folks. I'd never been to that side of the world and I learned a lot. Like about the Battle of Britain and how the guys from that bar called "Tommy's" loved my butt and weren't shy about expressing it.
When I was 18 and working in a call-center, those havens for nerds, geeks, bitter old women, and the most annoying human on earth (yes Derek, if you're out there this is you), one of my bosses was an older guy by the name of Jerry. Jerry looked to be in his late 50's, maybe early 60's, and had more than once shown me pictures of his grandchildren. We talked here and there on my breaks, and I kind of identified with him as a grandpa, or at least a friendly older guy, until one night after my shift we were talking and I asked if he was going to be working the next day. He looked really happy that I had asked and said, "Why, yes!" I, thinking nothing of it, said, "Well, see you then," with entirely too much enthusiasm, and Jerry replied with a "See you then!" of his own.
That got me to thinking, and when I got to work the next day I tracked down Annoying Derek and plied him with some questions a la Jerry. My suspicions were confirmed. It figured that on that very day Jerry came up and told me he had been monitoring my calls and we needed to have a review in conference room 3. I got through my last call, made sure those nearest in the cube farm knew where I was going, and headed on down the hall. Our meeting was private, just Jerry and I. Cozy. What do you know, I made perfect scores on all his reviews. He "really liked the way I handled the young boy that answered" my third call. Yuck. Then he put his hand on my leg.
Neither of us work there anymore.
-----
So, I'm walking back from the casino last night at about 1:30 and am approached by the usual pimps and prostitutes. Let me interject here that Jamaica has some pretty good looking females. I turn them down in the usual fashion, and halfway home I happen upon a joker I haven't seen before. His face is smooth, his voice is silky, and his hair is in two large buns, a la Princess Leia (if you could even remotely compare a 225 lb Jamaican man with a tongue ring to Princess Leia). He's wearing a black mesh kind of thing for a shirt, and because of this you can tell his left nipple is pierced with what looks like a bone. Or a boner. It was gross either way. And I think he was wearing Livestrong bike racing pants.
"Firs' trick free fi you, baby."
Gah!
This one's for Shlongy. I feel your pain, man.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a plus two for ya.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52192
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey man, never leave the crib without packin' a gun.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Malachy (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:21:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
Not funny..this belongs on a blog, not on ubersite.
_____________
BTW, I could say the same of your last post. I don't have the energy or the inclination to go -2 it for that though. Bleh.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...those havens for nerds, geeks, bitter old women, and the most annoying human on earth (yes Derek, if you're out there this is you)"
"you can tell his left nipple is pierced with what looks like a bone. Or a boner"
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet you have a real tight ass
oh yeah
you like it dont you
dont you
...
yeahhh
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I Don't Swing That Way (Rating: 1.33 on 4 reviews, last by Shlongy 69 minutes ago)
Ha! I didn't edit that.
Submitted by Malachy (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not funny..this belongs on a blog, not on ubersite.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 16:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny...
I appreciate the sympathy. It's difficult going through life being such a God-like figure.
Should have thrown my name in the title for more hits, though.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You must be right. All this time, and you had the answer for me all along.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man's man? Ha! You don't sound confident in that role at all....
SURE you're not gay... we REALLY believe you.....
And Shlongy.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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