Who Let the Dogs Out? (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike (View user info) at 2004-11-19 17:06:12 EST
It's Friday night, my car is broke down and all my friends are already at the neighboring college town at the block party that I'm going to miss, my girlfriend is out of state, worst of all I'm broke.
I had to improvise and fast, my alcoholic tendencies are already making me stoop to new lows.
Grandma:"No Michael, I can't give you your birthday money early, Why dont you just make Regan's(my girlfriend) mom take her to the doctor."
Me:"Ah...forget it, she will just have to suck it up."
Grandma:"If she has a 105 temperature and she is bleeding out her ears, honey she needs to go--CLICK"
---
Looks like Granny isn't gonna pony up the cash for me to get drunk on, so the only viable option I can think of is to drink with the "boys" down the road. Let me tell you something about these guys.
Heated debates begin and friendships end on topics like "The Four Horsemen were better than the Harlem Heat" .They all have mullets companied with a likeness for cut off shirts and L.A Looks hair gel; make no joke, they get their whoop-ass strait from the factory. It's the first of the month too, so they definately got beer and lots of it, only downfall is it tastes like it was cold filtered out of a rhino's ass.
I arrive at the storied shed. Before I enter, The mystique it gives off is the equivical plenty of a bountiful horn of badassdom. Beau the guy that lives there(not really in the house,mostly in the shed) invites me in with his other friends and offers me a beer (Busch Light). At least there wasn't a croud...
Beau: "So you been staying out of trouble brother?"
Me:"Yeah Beau..."-I sip on my beer trying not to sound to stupid.
My senses start to catch up with me as the excitement fades away, I look around and see no less than two cases of empty beer cans strewn out on the ground, serving no other purpose other than to serve as a fair warning "We drink to near death". I suddenly begin to feel like Mickey Rooney waiting to engage mortal kombat with a F16 Fighter jet.
Luckily for me, they must've started their evenings early. I look at these two. They can hardly keep their eyeballs open.
"H-Hey..look wut I found!" the man with the blonde mane, named Ed says to me as he holds up a HUGE bag of fireworks which he had probably had in his hands ever since he got there.
He handed Beau the bag, and we looked through the bag. m-80's, roman candles, etc.
Rednecks only have 3 kinds of parties: Break shit, Blow shit up, Get in Fights; This was a blowing shit up night. It was like a trailor park romance, you knew someone was gonna end up hurt or dead.
By the time we managed to make it out of the shed, I already had finished off my tenth beer and was doing my fair share buzzin. At first we started just letting the m-80's off and the other fireworks. Soon, we started getting much cooler ideas. We thought it would be a great to mix a bunch of fireworks together and put it under a can, under Beau's wifes car, under the porch. Then we start getting into the more advanced ballistics, Beau goes in the house and gets some shotgun shells. I dumped m-80 innards into a foldiers can, roman candles along with a genourus side of gasoline. Beau poors some gunpowder into the cocktail and our masterpiece is complete. Ed combines the wicks of the used fireworks to make one around fifteen yards long. I toss my 16th beer aside. staring through blood shot eyes at my work of art. I was convinced this was the greatest thing I've ever done.
We led the wick under one of his brokedown cars so that we can use to windows as a blast shield, Ed lights to whick. We were like a fucking redneck demolition squad
I never really noticed it before, but I guess dogs like shinny stuff,The fact that we had a huge ass wick didn't help either.
Beau's neighbor, a 80 year old widdower who even said it was cool for us to party is the only close neighbor. Her dog is a Yorkshire Terror which runs around outside till she brings it in at nine or so. It was only 7. About five feet before the fire reached the bomb. We noticed something circling the fire barking at it. In a drunken state of confusion we didn't realized what it was. As soon as the fire reached the top of the can....KABOOM!! The light was blinding, the car shook with the force and there was no more barking
The dog was blown 30 yards across the street in flaming glory, skidded off the backwindow of her car, slammed into the top of her tin roof and ricocheted into the woods of her backyard.
We watch as the fireball fades off from our sight, I hear something huge walk onto the porch.
Beau's Wife(whose camel toe was visible through her corduroy pants): "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN OUT HERE BEAU?!"
Beau: "Get your fat ass back in the house."
She did as she was commanded.
The next thing I remember was waking up in the backyard; dehydrated and with the worst headache ever. Soon as I gathered myself. I realized the wooden basketball goal and dog cage were both in a smoldering heap with nearly all of the grass in the backyard was burnt.
I got up, Beau and Ed were passed as well in different places. I started to walk home and the Old Lady was in her yard.
"Luuuupppiiiiii, Here Luupii come to Mama!!"
Terry.jpg (5 kB) [image/x-jg]
User Reviews
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-11-28 20:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
too many mistakes to +2
Submitted by _brittany_ (user info) at 2004-11-28 17:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...you rock out hard!!
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-20 17:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best 1st post I've yet read.
When I was little, we used to cut open our dad's shotgun shells to make bombs, especially effective when playing with those litte 3" high green army men when you wanted to Drop the Big One on your friend's army- that and balloons filled with gasoline.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a plus two for ya.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52192
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE this shit. Sign me up for a demolition derby.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic first post. Keep this shit up!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Holy Grail of Uber: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52187
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dog was blown 30 yards across the street in flaming glory, skidded off the backwindow of her car, slammed into the top of her tin roof and ricocheted into the woods of her backyard. :-Comedy.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This had some very funny parts. Especially the trailor park romance part.
By the way. You only mentioned one dog.