The Meanest Thing Ever, Or How I Got a Kindly Old Gentleman Arrested. (1046 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.67 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve Dusome <sillywilleh.at.yahoo.ca> (View user info) at 2004-11-19 22:51:06 EST
Halloween. It used to rule a lot more than it did now. Me and Alex had just finished looking through his dads dirty magazines, but not the hard stuff. Vaginas are still gross at this point.
I have one of those nifty spiderman costumes. Alex is jealous. His mom made him a shitty bat costume. Hah, sucker.
I am seven. I look at porn, but since I have no pubes all I do is get so horny I shake, and then feel satisfied with the fact that I am a man. It is approximately 6pm. Not dark at all. Oh well. Time to go trick or treating. Door to door. I collect. Kit Kat's, Aero, Toffee, Almond Joy. Wait a second, what the fuck is almond joy? Then there is always that one bitch who gives out raisins. This same old bitch says she thinks alex's costume is nice. What a liar. Everyone knows my costume kicks his costumes ass. Except I took off the mask, it made my face all sweaty, and left a blind spot just big enough for me to not notice a car careening into my face.
I get to a nice big white house, and I says to myself "Self, this is a pretty big fucking house. This cheap bastard had better give out a good haul." I go up to the door, and he answers. It is an old guy. Somehow old people have all the nice houses. And somehow old people always wind up in my stories. I reach up into his bowl, as it was too high, but something isn't right.
No, he didn't pull the "Pink Grab Bag Suprise", sickos, the candy all felt too big.
This dumb bastard was giving out ENTIRE, REAL SIZED chocolate bars. Something wasn't right. Nobody was this stupid. What would make this guy go out and buy some WHOLE CHOCOLATE BARS for us little kids, when he could just as easily eat them himself. Now at this age, it is out of my mind to think maybe he has diabetes or something like that, or he was lonely and wanted attention.
Whatever, I take it, and give him a stare of death. Giving old people the stare of death is my specialty. I inform him that I am a true webslinger, and that I will find out what he is doing. Also, I inform him that "The jig is up".
Several pillowcases later that night, the police ask me if I have seen anything suspicious. I now realise they meant things like home-wrapped rockets, or pins in tootsie rolls. Tending to dramatise, I informed him about the mysterious old man, but I threw in a few bits. Like how he invited me into his house in order for me to get more candy, and him randomly taking pictures of me.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that.
He got locked up for the night, on suspicions of child pornography and pedophilia, and I got a new toy, because my mom had no idea how to handle the situation. All in all, accusing someone of molesting you is a very profitable ordeal. I reccommend it to anyone. And I know I fucked up spelling "reccommend", I just can't remember how it is spelled.
User Reviews
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-23 00:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor old guy.
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-11-22 17:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was waiting for someone to say something about that to someone else.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-11-20 18:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I look at porn, but since I have no pubes all I do is get so horny I shake
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Doesn't Coulaincourt do that?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:55:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
who watches porn at seven?
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I know, seriously, who waits until 7?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-11-19 23:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:55:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
who watches porn at seven?
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hang on a second...."Hey son...turn that off, you can't watch that for another year yet"
Ok, it's under control now. Now, what was I saying? oh yeah, funny...
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if he had been wearing that "preist collar of intimidation" thing they all wear
u coulda owned that big white house
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who watches porn at seven?