The Night of Vomit or Why Civies Shouldn't Drink With Any Branch of the Armed Forces (975 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.42 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by funkchomper (View user info) at 2004-11-20 13:16:42 EST
All of my stories have been true. At least mostly true; I may have spruced them up a little here and there. For example:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51897 - My adventure for the rights of Men everywhere. 96% true.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51958 - A dark story following the meteoric rise and fall of my gambling career. 99% true.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52170 - A hasty verbal collage of my experiences rebuffing the advances of homosexuals. 95% true.
The following is 100% unadulterated truth. Not from concentrate.
Christmas time, last year. My girlfriend is excited - it's her favorite holiday. Plus we're going up to North Carolina to spend it with her family. I'm excited too, I love road trips and it's still hot in Florida. As for Christmas, I'm somewhat of a Grinch. Whatever, I'm happy that she's happy, so off we go.
The trip up is uneventful. She sleeps, mostly. We arrive at her mother's house and settle in. The next few days are restful and jam-packed with good food. Her mom's lasagna makes me wonder why I don't like this holiday. All is well. I even helped Lauren pick out the X-mas tree.
The 25th arrives... even better food. Gifts, family, good times.
The next day is her brother's birthday, and the day after that is mine. Stephen and I have been good friends since he came to visit us and I took him to a demolition derby in Bithlo (the forgotten red headed toothless step-sister of Orlando) and we got all rednecky. He's a few years older than I am and calls me the lil bro he never had. I have an older brother already, but another one doesn't hurt.
[Without anyone noticing, I deftly switch to past tense.]
I'm not much for giving gifts, so I asked him what he wanted. He (predictably by now) responded with a request for beer. He was in a frat, and had been in the coast guard, so he basically substituted Yuengling for water. I thought that sounded like a good gift for me, too, so we ran down to the corner gas station in his Jeep and picked up a 24 pack of something cheap. I can't remember the brand, but it was a few shades lighter than Coors.
That night we had some local pizza, good stuff but very thin and greasy. You know what I mean: I picked up the box and there was a wet spot on the table. For dessert Lauren's mother served ambrosia. Do you know what ambrosia is? I don't. It's like a fruit salad kind of thing with coconut. That went on down to mix it up with the greasy pizza.
For our second dessert we had our birthday beer. At the time I wasn't much of a drinker, but I held my own. We ended up at 11-13, his lead. Buzzed and with nothing better to do, we went to bed.
I was sharing a futon with Lauren and she didn't stir when I crawled in at about 11:30. By 11:31 I was asleep.
At 12:30 I was awake. The first thing I noticed was a noise coming from my belly. It sounded like a Teddy Ruxpin stuck in reverse. The next thing I noticed was a mouthful of vomit. My cheeks bulged with it, but it just kept coming. The Hoover Dam my lips were not. I destroyed my pillow. This woke up Lauren. Somehow she escaped the deadly splatter and sat up quickly. "Dave, are you allright?"
I couldn't answer for two reasons: 1. I was still very, very drunk. 2. I was still coughing up pizza crust, bits of pineapple, chewed up cherries, and freakin' cocount. Lauren loves me. She pushed me off the bed and changed the sheets. I sat on the ground in a daze until she kicked me and sent me to the bathroom to clean up. By the time I found my way back the place was spotless. She gave me a squeeze when I slurred out all the apologies I could muster, and we crawled back into bed. Once again I passed out pretty quickly.
20 minutes later I hosted a repeat performance. My pillow was ruined again. Lauren went and got her brother to show him the carnage he had caused. I would have defended him, but I was deep in the throes of guilt and stomach spasms. He sympathized and went back to bed. Lauren did her oil-spill clean up job on the futon again, and said "Well, at least you're all cleaned out." Sleepytime again.
At least the third time I had the decency to aim for the floor. Being on a futon meant we had ground clearance of about 20 inches. Her mother's house had wood flooring. By this time I had already regurgitated every solid thing I had eaten in the last few days, so I was down to pure liquid. This did not diminish in anyway the intensity or amount of this third ejaculation. The splatter effect was astonishing. It splashed onto my face, our suitcases, and the sleeping cat in the corner of the room in a wondrous display of fluid mechanics. "Um, Lauren, I dididagin, I'm sorry."
That bastard Stephen didn't even piss once that night.
User Reviews
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-11 21:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-21 19:31:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love vomit stories.
This must be why no one charged with DUI eats.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33596 slightly off point...but just
call me a linkwhore.
____________
BTW legallady, thanks for sharin'. I liked it.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-11-21 19:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love vomit stories.
This must be why no one charged with DUI eats.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33596 slightly off point...but just
call me a linkwhore.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-21 11:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
15 is a lot to me.. I'm usually the beer-nursing type.
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2004-11-21 07:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You fucking wussy americans!
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-20 22:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to say it, but the most I've ever managed was 15 pints in one night, start to finish. I think that was five in the evening until 3 in the morning; but then I don't normally drink. At all.
Never mind that I'm 190 lb (85 kg).
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gainesville eh.. that's not too far. How'd you make out this hurricane season, anything?
And another reminder: I am not glorifying excessive drinking, just sharing an experience. Still, drunks are funny. Being drunk is funny. Well, till it's annoying, or dangerous.
Don't drive drunk, people.
There, now I don't have to worry about THIS when I campaign for public office.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-11-20 16:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:03:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
My record is 18 Budweisers (Kind of like cold piss in a bottle, but with a little alcohol and worse flavor) in one night. I dind't throw up that night, but I was hung over as hell the next day.
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DAHAM, lightweight! i used to drink an 18 pack of Bud every day just to get me warmed up for the fifth of vodka i would also polish off that day. no bullshit. minimum requirements for my alcoholic ass in a day was always an 18 pack of Bud. it got pretty costly to buy an 18 pack every day, but my alcoholic manager when i worked at a grocery store would take home two 30 packs of Busch every day. one for him, one for the wife.
on the weekends, it was a 30 pack suitcase and whatever else was around.
my record for beers in a night without passing out is 37. BEAT THAT!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-20 16:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was gonna give you a +1 because the rating is low for some reason. But hell, its not that bad at all. Good writing
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gainesville.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, we live in Winter Park - well, Orlando. Where are you at?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where in Florida? I'm there too, which is why I ask.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm usually a Bud man myself. Yeah, so it's piss... I don't care. Goes great with steak.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-11-20 15:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My record is 18 Budweisers (Kind of like cold piss in a bottle, but with a little alcohol and worse flavor) in one night. I dind't throw up that night, but I was hung over as hell the next day.
I've only thrown up twice while still drunk, I usually get mine the next day. The first time I had some Captain morgan, then a couple shots of Aftershock, then some shit called Iron Jack (this kid brought it back from venezuela, I didn't read the bottle or anything, but it tasted pretty much like 151) then finished the night with a quart of old english. You can imagine why I vomited. The second time I split a handle of Ketel one with one of my friends. He was the designated driver. He had a couple drinks, i had about 3/4 the bottle. I have since learned to control my drinking.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
People who drink too much are idiots, plain and simple. Would you bee proud if you OD'd on crack, too? Oh, that's next weekend...
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:29:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is actually for your girlfriend for having to clean up after you 3 times in a night... that girl ought to have a goddamned halo and be followed by a choir of singing angels.
________________
I totally agree.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Why didn't you go park your ass by the toilet for the night? Why didn't your stupid girlfriend get a bucket for you after you already puked once (let alone twice??)
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is actually for your girlfriend for having to clean up after you 3 times in a night... that girl ought to have a goddamned halo and be followed by a choir of singing angels.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-20 14:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha... I should point out that the combination of pizza and ambrosia with beer is what most likely set off this reaction.
And yes, I live in Florida. Still.
Submitted by Proud-To-Own-Testicles (user info) at 2004-11-20 13:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The only lesson here is that American beer is like Love-In-A-Canoe, It's Fuckin' Near Water.
And 11 beers...phh, I have that with my corn flakes. Come back when you finish off a whole scarborough-suitcase.
NEXT!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-20 13:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I laughed. Let this be a lesson to you... Humiliating/messy experiences should be avoided at all costs... Unless you immediately post about them on Ubersite. Then it's all good.
Are you from Florida, or was that just a didn't-want-to-vacation-there sort of thing?
Submitted by JohnnyACDC (user info) at 2004-11-20 13:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you suck, me and a bunch of my army buddies had what you had out in some country bumpkins garage one night. I drank over 20 CANADIAN (5%) beers and puked all over his sheets too. I was so drunk the next morning, i had to be placed in the shower to get the puke off of me, and i didnt realize i was in a shower for about an hour. I didn't even know where i was i was still so drunk. When i got home i took a cold shower for two hours, then...OFF to schooL! lol.